Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Cutting family out of their life-
Has anyone had any experience with totally removing someone out of their life after giving it some obvious serious thought and after trying everything possible to rectify the issue?
Did you have any remorse or guilt over the situation?
Did it make you (at least) feel any better about the situation?
What/if any was your last resort option before cutting someone out?
Re: Cutting family out of their life-
DH cut FIL, stepMIL and his half-sister out for over 8 years.
It was very difficult at first. Things like FILs first birthday that dh didn't call, Christmas, etc. were difficult. Also, there were family members (SIL, aunts, etc.) who tried to pull dh back in, make him feel guilty, etc. Once SIL (not the half-sister) "surprised" dh with having FIL at a party. DH left. Also, extended family gatherings were difficult b/c dh would only go if the other family members were not there. He wasn't going to go to someone's party and make a scene about "I'm not talking to you," etc.
However, after about 18 months, dh said that he did not miss the drama (or, he had actually started appreciating the drama-free life). After that point, it was not hard at all, and sometimes I would remember things (FIL on Father's Day) when dh didn't remember at all.
He recently re-connected with those family members, after 8 years, but is happy that he made the decision to cut them out for so long. He thinks it was the healthiest option for him / our family.
I haven't spoken to my grandmother, and by extension, anyone on my father's side of the family, in more than four years. To make a long story short, she's a narcissist who has emotionally abused everyone in the family, especially my mom and dad, for decades. She attempted to create an enormous amount of drama surrounding my wedding, including being a complete _asshole to my husband, and that was the last straw for me.
It's the best decision I've ever made in my life. She's never going to change, and there's nothing I can do to make her be a decent person. I got tired of her manufacturing arguments out of thin air and having to explain to her that my every action in life was not meant as a personal insult to her. My life is infinitely more enjoyable without her in it- I don't miss her at all, and to be honest, I won't be sad when she dies. Some people are just jerks, and I happen to be related to one of them, but I'm not obligated to subject myself to abuse because of it.
I think if you do this, you have to realize you're probably going to go through a version of the stages of grief. You're going to feel guilt, you're going to feel anger, and you'll probably have moments of missing the person too.
Go into it expecting this and be prepared!
But to what SueBear said, in time, I think the lack of drama will end up being SUCH a relief, you'll realize it was all worth it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
that is a perfect point- honestly I have been preparing myself and have been already experiencing those stages of grief already...
I seriously just need OUT of the drama as it is really starting to impact me and my family negatively.
I haven't had contact with my mom in over 10 years. I don't know that I could constitute it as "cutting out" since it may have been more of her decision than mine, but just to give you some insight...
At first I was a mess. I couldn't see mothers & daughters together without hiding away in a bathroom crying. Holidays, birthdays, even weekdays brought up painful memories. It was a long, painful journey and I know that it will forever effect me. However, I am somewhat grateful for the experience. I think it has shaped me into who I am and made me stronger.
Whenever I get sad or nostalgic & miss her, I just think that that ONE phone call to her would cost A LOT more than that brief moment of grief. I would be letting a toxic individual back into my life again and my whole world that I have built for so many years would unravel.
It isn't a decision that you can just "make up your mind on" and then continue life. You're going to 2nd guess yourself --a lot. BUT, if the price of the relationship is costing you more damage than good, then it's a hard truth you have to swallow.
GL!
My partner and I cut my SIL out when I was 12 weeks pregnant with our son.
It is a long story, but she has had many opportunities to right her wrongs and she hasn't.
It is hard. It has been 3 years and I still struggle with feelings from the situation. Cutting her out was the right thing to do, but it creates a lot of tension in the family. Like a PP said, I was pressured by DP's family to make amends with SIL. I am not the one who did something wrong. SIL was. I have made it clear that SIL needs to be the one to apologize.
SIL has recently started sending DP pictures and cards. It is irritating. I wish DP would send them back as "return to sender" but at least she isn't responding to them.
It sucks because we have to miss out on a lot of family functions if SIL is there. It pisses me off, but at the same time she's a witch and I do not want her around my son.
You can PM me if you want to chat more.
the blog
Partner to J | 02.15.05
Mommy to C | 02.18.09
Your story hit home for me. I also cut my mother out of my life. But I don't know how to get past the hurt and anger. Any advice would really help.
Mrs. D,
With each day you will grow stronger. Some days feel like the next is getting easier and some, you will have a breakdown and feel that you are regressing, but ultimately, it is a journey and you have to let your body/mind have those breakdowns in order to grow & learn.
I wish I could say that one day you will "move past it", but it isn't something that you get over...ever. DH and I have been through a lot together - all without my mom in my life...death of loved ones, serious surgery/health issues, our wedding, standing on our own 2 feet at a young age...and now, I feel that I could use my mother in my life more than ever as we are faced with infertility issues.
Do you have adult female role models in your life who you can lean on? An Aunt? Close friend of the family? Friend's mother? That helps. I had women in my life that I have strong bonds with help me plan our wedding & that made things easier. It still stings, knowing that your own mom should be there...but you just have to accept that she isn't.
You have to have a "clean" break too. Cut ties completely. No calls, visits, "halfway" conversations about everyday babble, letters, pictures, etc. To cut someone out means that they no longer exist...to you. Last I heard, my mother was living 2 hrs away from me...so the fact that I won't bump into her at the grocery store or see her at a holiday gathering w/my family helps. If your situation is different, it's best to keep distance on your side. If your mother is still local, I'd avoid family gatherings where she will be at...even just for a while, until you can gain strength.
I have my aunt I talk to often, she doesn't live close by. I also have friends that are on my side. The problem I have is...I do not know how to let go of the grudge and anger. I truly believe it is affecting my happiness. I am so damn angry and hurt. She not only hurt me, but she hurt my 15 year old daughter, and for that the anger I have is unbelievable. How any grandparent can just disown her own granddaughter - and for some stupid a$$ reason is beyond me. And to make matters worse - she has a close relationship with my older daughter.
We do live in the same town. Only live 15 minutes away from each other. I do not see her, but want a relationship with my father and since he still is with her - I don't get to see him as much as I would like.
I was told my a friend to go get a book on "self help". Probably wouldn't be a bad idea, I just haven't done so yet.
Stacy....
I am sorry for throwing my dirty laundry in your post.
I really hope your situation works out for you in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. Good luck to you.
I'm sorry for your pain & that you are dealing with this. That would be very hard, especially because your pain with her is still very much in the present. At least my pain with my mother is in the past. I only resent her in the present, because she isn't involved in my life. There is never an excuse to hurt your children and that can be unforgivable.
Your situation doesn't seem as practical to make a clean break from - at least at the moment. There are still other family members involved that have relationships w/your mother connecting you two in an indirect bond.
I lean on my DH a lot...he is an amazing supporter in my life. I am very fortunate, with my past history with my family that I have him. He is the most solid person that I know and I admire him for many reasons. If you have your Aunt that you are close with and is on your side, that's essential. You will need someone on your side to help you through the "bad days".
Find an outlet - an escape from reality. I journal a lot. I joined a gym and go to exercise classes < this especially helps to keep my sanity. Find a therapist that you are comfortable talking with to help work through the anger. I am currently in between therapists, but can tell you - it is a helpful tactic in aiding with your anger, resentment and even stress. They cannot eliminate it from your life, but they can teach you how to live with it.
GL to you!
Thank you so much for your time, and your advice. I greatly appreciate it. : ) It honestly helps hearing I am not the only one going through a situation like this.
I have two daughters and can not amagine my life without them. I don't care what they did to me, I could never write them out of my life. It is very hard for me to understand how a mother can hate their child so much, and then "their" child. Shame on her!
GL to you also! And thank you again!
PLEASE --- not at all. We are going through something very similar- it was nice to read that- (not that I am glad you are going through it) - No worries!
I agree with this. I have "cut" DH's brother's wife out of my life for now. I wouldn't say that I have completely shut her out but she has hurt me so bad over the past few years that I can't subject myself to it any longer. And going through this I have seen the many different stages of grief. I have been sad, guilty, angry, and most of all missed her cuz a part of her is a very sweet and kind person just not to me and DH. If she wants to come back in my life, I would probably let her but on my terms. . . I would be very untrusting of her and her motives, etc... Hope this helped. If you are being hurt by whoever it is that you feel you need to cut out, than by all means do. Try to do what you can but there is no need to keep subjecting yourself to harm..
I cut my MIL out of my life. I struggled with it at first because I was missing out on seeing the rest of his family. DH's sisters would call and try to guilt me into things. The whole, you should forgive her because she can't help it. She was well aware of what she was doing.
It sucks because I haven't seen my SILs/BILs in three years either. I have completely missed our nephew growing up. I have no connection to him. It still makes me sad at Christmas when I am trying to buy something for our nephew.
On the other hand, I don't miss the abuse from MIL. I don't miss the sick feeling I would get days before seeing her or the tears when I would leave her house and she had managed to be hurtful again. Holidays are drama free. I am finally enjoying the holidays again. DH & I used to see a counselor to help deal and it was worth it.
I cut ex-MIL out of my life after DS was born. She called my ex-H incessantly after DS was born demanding he go to her house constantly. This was after 4 years of similar behavior in which she would not stop harassing ex-H and accusing him of neglecting her and hating her if he said he wanted to spend a weekend alone with me.
So with DS being the most important thing in my life, I told her I was done and cut her out of DS and my life. I felt awful later on because she ended up having a stroke 3 months later, and passing away from related complications shortly after that. I do feel that it was the best decision for DS and my health at the time though, and I wish ex-H would have done it for his sake. He refused to cut her out and prioritize DS and I, which is one of the reasons we are no longer married.
You will feel SUCH a relief once you pull the trigger. Just say no to toxic people and move on. You'll have a happier life for it, even if you feel guilty once in awhile.
My 2 sisters and I recently cut our father out of our lives.
It was a pretty easy decision given the situation, but we still feel like crap about it. But it's just easier than dealing with the drama, lies and bs that his new girlfriend has brought to our lives. And since he's decided that he'll believe her lies about us instead of actually discussing the situation with us, we've decided we're better off without him.
Not entirely sure what we'll do if he ever decides to try to "get us back" or if she leaves the situation.
I feel better about it because I know I won't have to deal with his girlfriend because she's a psycho. But I am also sad at "losing" my dad.
I tried to talk to my dad about the situation a few times and he basically told us we need to get over it and be nice to his girlfriend... Which is funny, because we've never been not-nice to her.. We've just called her out on her lies and drama.
I haven't spoken to my mother in almost a year....Actually I think today has marked the exact day we stopped speaking to each other. Mine and my mother's relationship has been rocky since I was little. She has emotional and sometimes physically abused me. Although we have had some good times and good laughs. But what did it in for me was the way she treated my husband. Every time since I have been dating my mother has hated and ruined every relationship I was in. So when I told my parents that I was getting married my dad seemed pleased with the situation while my mom held a grudge and judged my husband from day one of meeting him. I remember that night I stood up for my husband because my mom was saying mean things about him and I couldn't stand it anymore. I then proceed to try to talk to her calmly about the situation and all our past situations. All she wanted to do was clam up and not say a word to me. At the time I was living with my parents (this happened before me and the hubby was married) and I told my mom that I was moving in with Anthony (husband). Every since then she hasn't talked to me, I have tried calling her several times no answer, I'm going to try next to write a letter and send to her. And maybe I might get a response back. Do I feel guilty or remorse for what I did, some days I do, but I also feel like I want to live my life the way I want too. I have forgiven my mom for what she has done to me, and now all I'm asking from her is her forgiveness. And so far no words from her. So as of right now my mom has been out of my life for a year.