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need advice re: tantrums
So the kid has major temper tantrums now. At least I think they're major because he tends to do this while we're out in public and it's hugely embarrassing.
He will throw himself on the ground, scream at the top of his lungs. He kicks. He makes spaghetti arms so I can't pick him up easily. If I do pick him up he pushes away from me so hard that I'm afraid he's going to fling himself to the ground.
I ignore this behavior. I continue shopping (this is usually when it happens). Sometimes I can calm him down but it takes a while. During this time I swear it feel like EVERYONE is giving me the death stare. Then of course I get the old ladies who come over and tell me what is wrong with my kid. IE: He needs a nap, he needs a cookie, he needs his diaper changed etc. I want my kid to stop screaming more than anyone else in the store, it's mortifying.
So, is ignoring it the right thing to do? Am I wrong to keep shopping? Should I be leaving the store because he's screaming? Should I just not give a crap about the death stares? I'm starting to feel like a bad mom.
Re: need advice re: tantrums
I have no advice, but I'm sorry. I am bookmarking this post, because I know we are getting there. We are only at the cry for a few seconds when you take something away stage...but I know it's coming.
I bookmarked one of your posts that was like It gets better right? from when Tommy was first born. I would read it like everyday weeks and months later when I was going through the same thing. :-)
Is it realistic to put down the cart and leave the store?
I have no idea the reality of this b/c we're not there yet, but Big Lar and I discussed that if this was happening, we would take the kid and leave. Or go sit it out in the car til she settled down.
Is he old enough to understand if you take him and get down on his level and tell him you're leaving if he doesn't settle down? I have no idea developmentally if this works for his age group.
I guess I fall into the 'throw enough shiit against the wall and some of it's going to stick' camp as far as tactics go, kwim?
Honestly, I would try to avoid all shopping with him unless you HAVE to if this is something that is happening each time. You'll drive yourself crazy being worried about if he'll freak, when he'll freak, what should I do if he freaks, and so on. Can you do any of your shopping after R gets home from work? I realize this isn't feasible all the time but it sure will help your mental health at least until he gets past this.
Hunter never threw temper tantrums so I can't help you there BUT...
I remember it like it was yesterday. I lost my sh!t in Genuardi's once when I was younger. I remember the coat I was wearing, I remember my mom's coat and I remember my mom walking up to the customer service and saying, "I'm really sorry but my daughter is being out of control and I don't want to disturb your other shoppers. Do you mind having someone put these items away?" My mom left the cart at customer service and literally dragged me out of Genuardi's by one arm and me laying on the ground kicking and screaming. I remember being pulled out screaming and everyone watching. Oi. My poor mother. Anyhoo... we got home, my mom told my dad and ~*WHAM-SMACK*~!!!!!! I never did that sh!t again. Trust.
Well, I have thought about leaving the store but dh works 12 to 14 hours a day so I'm on my own all week with the kid. If I have to go to the store to get something I have to take him and I can't just leave without getting what I need. By the time dh gets home at 9 or 10pm I have no energy to go shopping and most of the stores I need to go to are closed.
I really have no problem just ignoring him but the death stares make me 1. second guess if ignoring him is the right thing to do and 2. makes me feel like THAT MOM. You know the one who lets her kid act like an animal and is oblivious.
I feel like at 18 months he is too young to be having a tantrum just to be bad. I feel like he is doing it out of frustration. Like after today's little stunt he passed out as soon as I put him in the car seat, so I feel like trying to comfort him and finishing my trip as quick as I can is the best thing but as usual I second guess myself. I guess those shooting glances of "shut your damn kid up" really make me feel bad.
I only lurk here but my son is the king of store tantrums. Not just with me, but my mom too. But hes also a severe behavioral case too.
When he was little (hes 9 now), I would take my cart up to customer service and ask if I could keep the cart there because I would be back in. With a screaming toddler in my arms they would accept without a second thought. I would go out, buckle him in his car seat and stand outside the car while he had his little fit. I didnt want to listen to that mess either. He could still see me, but he realized soon enough that he was not going to get what he wanted and that he wasnt going to get my attention until he chilled out.
This happened many many times before he finally got it. But of course his behavior issues started at 18-2 years months old. Long before he truely understood why his behavior was unacceptable. The only thing I could do to maybe avoid that was to make sure he had a snack and a nap before any lengthy trips.
HTH!!
I obviously have no experience but can maybe time your shopping visits for after lunch or after a nap so it lessens the chance of him being tired/cranky?
#1 12.11.11
#2 10.23.13 EDD
I agree. And I certainly don't have experience here but thinking about the 18 mo in my life, they aren't doing it on purpose. I think scheduling trips around nap, hungry times is best. GL! I don't envy you!
ditto the scheduling your shopping trips around his "good" times of the day for this age.
But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, Jonathan is tantrum king regardless of time of day/nap/hunger/etc. He is at the age I just think he is being bratty and trying to get what he wants, Tommy is not there yet and hopefully won't get there ever. But JD has been doing this since he was 1.5 and it has only gotten worse.
When I am out running errands, I am usually alone with the Thing 2 and 3 and time is of the essence to get done what I need to do. Normally, I just ignore him and continue my shopping. I am over the death stares and stranger's comments. I just try to move as fast as I can and pray he stops. eventually he does. I know this doesn't help you, I'm sorry.
Jonathan Dean 4.5.08
Anna Capri 5.4.11
I feel your pain, sort of. DD has not yet had epic tantrums in public but we get a lot of the more minor screamfests and poorly staged coups. She could care less if I walk away and leave her so oddly what usually works for her is two things--reasoning and distraction. Yes, reasoning with a 2 year old, I dont get it and it does not work at home, but it works in public, go figure.
I typically get down on her level right next to her but I dont touch her. I calmly talk to her about how I understand she's frustrated about x,y,z but its not appropriate to act like this in stores etc etc and then I offer her a distraction like....why dont we go look at the books or do you want to sit in the cart with mommys purse (she loves my purse) or do you want to go get a snack etc. and usually she snaps out of it and acts "normal".I just have to make sure I word it as a choice for her to make and not a demand.
My two favorite examples where I was shocked that this actually worked: (1) about a month ago she had a breakdown next to a display of CROCS because she wanted to take off her shoes and put those shoes on but I knew I wasnt buying her a pair so I kept saying no and asking her to come with me to look at other things. She proceeded to lay on the floor next to the display and scream and cry and grab at the shoes while she flailed around. Our discussion ended with "are we going to calm down and shop like civilized people now?" and she said "yeah" and stopped the mayhem and followed along the rest of the day. (2) She got upset over something at Target and literally screamed and cried and laid spread eagle in one of the main aisles....everyone was looking of course. I squatted down next to hear and said something like "I know you want to play with x,y,z and we can do that after we're done shopping if you like, but if you lay here someone is going to run you over and you will get hurt and I dont think you'd like that and I would be sad too. Why dont you get up and come with me to look at halloween costumes?" and she was all for it! I was astonished that it worked!!
Other times DH or I just carry her out of the store screaming like a banshee, and sometimes she calms down and we come back in and sometimes not, but the person left in the store quickly finishes the shopping while the other handles the beast. Since we often go shopping together, we have that option, whereas you may not.
Thanks for all of the suggestions. I will be storing them all in my bag of tricks to use for the next shopping trip
I also think that I get easily overwhelmed when he does this because I'm alone and I have people staring me down or coming over to us and asking what's wrong with him and he feeds off of my frustration. I guess my mommy skills are just a work in progress.
everyone's mommy skills are a work in progress. dont't beat yourself up. i still don't know what i'm doing sometimes
as far as tantrums go- i try to bring snacks, toys, anything that will cause a distraction. but when a tantrum's started there's really no stopping it, you have to let the kid get it out and move on. screw everyone else and their evil eyes. you have to do what you have to do and any parent should understand. i find the best way to avoid a tantrum is to work trips around nap times. avoid going when he's tired or hungry. also i'm not above bribery- i'll tell her if she's good, we'll get a treat, or watch a movie or special tv show she likes before bed that night. i'll tell her this before we even go in the store so she has incentive to behave. sometimes you have to do whatever works!