Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Hosting a holiday...invite inlaw etiquette?
If hosting a holiday, do we have to invite BOTH sides of the family?
My husband and I already determined that we're spending thanksgiving with my side, xmas eve with his side and day with mine.
I just mentioned having xmas day here, and my husband said "my side too right?"
I would like to not merge the inlaws/holidays until we have kids. Plus we don't have the room.
I told my husband to tell his parents we're spending eve with them, day with mine, then he says "what if they ask where?"
Whats the etiquette on this?
Thank you!
Re: Hosting a holiday...invite inlaw etiquette?
I don't think there's any specific etiquette. So much depends on your individual situation. Some people have families where all the in-laws get along so why not merge?
Others have really different personalities and traditions and merging would be weird or worse. I think you and your H should just talk about how you want to do it. There's no right or wrong way, most important is that the two of you are on the same page, or can work out a compromise you both are happy with.
I will say, though, that it does seem like your side is getting a bit more of the holidays--all of Thanksgiving and all of Christmas Day. I do consider Christmas Eve as special as Christmas Day, based on my family's traditions. But even so, yours is getting more. That can be fine--maybe his family is more difficult to deal with, or your family would be just your parents alone without you there, whereas his is filled with tons of kids. There could be reasons for the way you are doing it but it doesn't necessarily sound like he is on board with it.
Since you don't have kids then I don't think you should have to have both sides just because it's at your place. We have kids and still do every holiday with either his family or mine. We only have everyone together for DS's birthday.
We don't make our families socialise together because it's just a little awkward and not that fun for anyone.
Who you invite to your home is your business, there is no rule that says you have to invite both.
I think it would be a little rude and nosey of your in-laws to ask where you will spend christmas day, as it would sound to me like they were digging on whether things were, "fair" or not.
It does however, sound like your parents get to see more of you this year over both holidasysIs this normal? Will you switch it up next year?
We will most likely be spending Easter with his side. I always ask my husband what he wants to do, and his family doesn't seem to have plans on all of the holidays.
If its awkward now, its going to be awkward even after you have kids.
Especially based on your updates - no, just because you're having your family over to YOUR house doesn't mean you now have to invite his family. Talk to him about it- why does he seem to think this?
He's the one who picked Christmas Eve. All he needs to tell his family is "we'll see you Christmas Eve. We're spending Christmas day w/ Kirssart's family". Period. Are they really going to ask "WHERE will you be?"? I doubt it!
As far as merging... if your families getting together is awkward, realize that even after you have kids, you dont' HAVE to merge the holidays. Sure, it's easier on many levels, but if it's going to make everything less enjoyable - is it really worth it?
I know plenty of people who have kids who don't merge the families. Especially if you think about it - do either of you have siblings, and if so, are they married? What do they all do for the holidays? even if they arent' married now, assume the eventually will be. They'll have their own IL's to see, and the "merging" may end up being only w/ your parents - if even that, depending on what your siblings want to do for the holidays too!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I merge families for Thanksgiving. I would not dream of doing it for Christmas. It is such a personal holiday, it would be wierd.
For years we had Thanksgiving and did not invite the ILS. We only invited them when we got a house and had enough room. I never felt bad about it when it was too tight to have those extra people.
I don't think it comes down to etiquette perse, but moreso, whatever you & your DH are comfortable with. There is no right or wrong here. Sure, PP's have mentioned that you & DH are seeing your side more than his, but, if that's what you both agreed upon & are both Ok with, then that's how it will be.
Do not merge families if it will be awkward for all. DH's side & my side are completely different. Therefore, we try against merging. We have tried it in the past & it just made the holiday/event...well, kind of a downer. DH's side is very conservative & to say that they're quiet & antisocial would be an understatement. My family are talkers and love to drink, play games and mingle. When DH's side is around, they feel "forced" to talk & my family feels "forced" to tone it down. Both sides are out of their comfort zone.
In the end, you & DH have to start creating your own traditions. Don't keep score about who's side gets to see you most - that will just tear down the holidays for you both & make seeing them a chore. As long as you're seeing both sides at some point of a holiday or there is a rotation (his side - Thanksgiving, your side - Christmas, etc.), then all is fair.
Yeah, unless you have one of those movie families where EVERYONE gets along, I don't see why you would ever merge the holidays.
My own family doesn't get along with each other.
My parents and BILs will be meeting for the first time ever later this month at DS's Eagle Scout Court of Honor. We had a small wedding and MIL doesn't fly, so she never came out to our house before she died 15 years into our marriage. We always went to her.
There is no etiquette for family holidays, every family figures out what works best for them. Is there a reason why you don't want to merge the two families? Just from reading your post it seems like you don't want to spend much time with his family...which is ok as long as that's what you and your H wants.
Remember, when you got married you and your H started your own family (whether or not you have kids yet). It always seems like splitting holidays causes stress. Just communicate and decide what works for you two.
"I just don't want to merge until I have children." - Well, apparently it is not all about what one person wants...he obviously wants to merge. I wouldn't make this a war between your wills.
You don't have to, but I think you should - especially since you think you'll want them together once you have children...why bring strangers into that rather than have them see and view one another as an extended family? Honestly, I think it would work out better for you as both a daughter and a MIL as well as for your children if you were to take the opportunity now to foster ground where everyone will see one another as real-people rather than simply DIL's parents or SIL's folks. That way, in the future, when things do have to be one-family on a specific holiday only, they are going to be less likely to be hurt since they'll also have somewhat of a working/social relationship with one another.
Besides, apparently your plans weren't all that well known if your husband is clarifying that he understood "at home" was going to be with both sides. He wants them there, you know that now, you can make room or he wouldn't even think it was supposed to have happened like that anyway. I think you are putting him in an unnecessary position if you make this an issue.