Sex & Romance
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He just wants me to lie there
I've only been married a couple of weeks, but every time we have sex my husband just wants me to lie there. Is that normal? He barely lets me do anything, and has told me to "stay still" before. It makes it really hard for me to get there because I get bored as soon as he's in. Even sometimes when I do adjust somehow he'll tell me "that's not helping". What should I do? Is there something more I should/could be doing?
I know I'm not experienced, but somehow I always thought this was supposed to be a two people thing...
Re: He just wants me to lie there
This sounds like he's got a fetish of some kind.
If you are not comfortable with his request? DO not comply -- and tell him point blank that his request is creepy, you do not like it and he shold not make that request again.
Motzie is spot on. Talk to him --- and let him know how uncomfortable you are with his request to just lie there.
He should be fine with that.
If he is not?
Consider rethinking him.
No way shold you do anything you do not like or are uncomfortable with, either emotionally and/or physically.
One more thing....wow -- when did this behavior and weird request begin? Were you and he sexually active before you were married?
If this is recent behavior, I would not be happy with his request.
ANd if you and he were virgins before you wed, this is another wonderful reason why virgin marriages should not be advocated. If you were sexually active before you and he were wed and this sh!tty request of his surfaced then, you very easily could have called it quits, cut your losses and moved on.
There's nothing you should be doing; he's the one that's not behaving normally..
You need, as others have stated, to have a serious, sit down conversation with him. Sex is, indeed, a two person thing, and if he only wants to have sex with someone who is as still as a corpse, I'd be looking into annulment. Creepy.
Thanks everyone for your concern, neither of us were virgins, though my experience was much more limited than his. We didn't start sleeping together though until we were married. Maybe it is some form of ED - because he isn't a pervert and I know he loves me very much. He won't let me be on top though because last time I moved some way that hurt him and neither of us were able to finish.
I know you are all right and I definately need to talk to him before this becomes the norm in our marriage, but I don't know what to say - I'm horrible at communicating in general, but I struggle to tell him he's boring or not pleasing me, because I don't want to hurt his feelings or discourage him from having sex with me at all. Ideas?
Thanks everyone for your concern, neither of us were virgins, though my experience was much more limited than his. We didn't start sleeping together though until we were married.
Why were the 2 of you not sexually active?
How about some backstory to that one?
Was he sexually active with his former girlfriends at all? What was going on with that?
His behavior isn't healthy --- I don't want to go there on what it is I am thinking -- and if he refuses to cut it out and have a healthy two-way sexual relationship with you, I agree with the PP: get this marriage annulled.
I know you are all right and I definately need to talk to him before this becomes the norm in our marriage, but I don't know what to say - I'm horrible at communicating in general, but I struggle to tell him he's boring or not pleasing me, because I don't want to hurt his feelings or discourage him from having sex with me at all. Ideas?
What you say:
"Honey, I am not comfortable with your demand to just lie there during sex. This is not making me feel comfortable and I will not do it anymore.
"This does not bode well for us, or marriage, or our sex life. I want you to see a sex therapist with me. And I also want us to get marriage counseling for this issue.
"I want a happy healthy sex life and I want it with you."
To me, this would be a dealbreaker. There would be no 2 ways about it. However, this is up to you which way to proceed.
If he refuses, I'd be out the door.
I can imagine how overwhelmed you are and how you feel, being you just married him --- at very best, his behavior has to stop and he HAS to see a sex therapist with you --- he also needs to see a marriage counselor with you. And the "just lie there" bit has to END, period.
And counseling for YOU -- please nip this in the bud before his behavior starts to eat away at your self esteem.
I don't want to go there on what it is I am thinking
I thought the same thing when I first read the post...
I agree with pp's figure out wth is going on with him and fast.
Ditto. If my husband made me just lay there and took all control I would be 100% uncomfortable physically and emotionally. And I am worried about what is going on in his head that justifies this behavior. Does he pin you down and hold you there, or does he just do his thing and politely request that you not move?
There is a fetish that is attached to this -- I am all for fetishes -- harmless ones --- but once they begin to creep out your partner, there is a big problem with the fetish.
The OP's problem is another reason why I do not advocate relationships that are celebate before marriage.
I'm not saying to give it out to every guy you can find before you are married and become the town punk, but wow....it's clear that her H has a big problem and his kink is destroying their brand new marriage.
There are 2 solutions to the problem:
Realize that this is a dealbreaker and get the marriage annulled stat
Demand that he get to a sex therapist and a marriage counselor or the marriage is over; get an annulment.
As you two become more comfortable with having sex with each other you will find ways/ positions that work for both of you. There is no shame in trying new things and asking "do you like it when I do this" while experimenting.
Disregard TM's post. She has some very distorted views on sex and jumps to some pretty outlandish conclusions.
I agree with this. You need to communicate with him what you are feeling. Otherwise it will go on forever like this & you won't ever be happy. If you've only been married for a few weeks & you're having problems in bed & not talking to him about it then you're going to have bigger issues later on. Communication is KEY!!!
BFP #1:10/31/10 DS born 6/22/11 BFP #3:4/24/12 DD born 12/31/12
Uh, WTF? She's tried to experiment and her H tells her to stop and not move. He's clearly not interested in communicating and figuring out what works for her because apparently this works for him.
And Tarpon gives good advice.
It makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. Your partner should respect that and not make the request again.
If he does, another story.
Hey now! Dont make fun of TM! You never know, It could be a sick fetish. Maybe he pretends.... Well, I wont go there. I just think they are having bad sex. Not all couples jump in the sack and have amazing sex right of the bat. They may need to just work on it. I still think she should gain some education and surprise him. Then they could learn how to satisfy eachother.
I kind of take offense to the way everyone is assuming they were virgins and that's why he's behaving this way. H and I were virgins and we have amazing sex.
This.
OP I hope your conversation(s) go well with your H.
::coughcoughKamaSutracough::
It sounds like your husband is just overly focused while lovemaking, and he is just doing what he knows.
Share little suggestions with him, BUT only one at time, things that will make it more enjoyable for you.
(Try putting a pillow under your lower back, to change the angle.)
And when communicating use "i" statements like: "i feel like you arent including me when we make love, especially when you ask me to hold still. I would feel more involved and loved if....."
Good luck!
BeansNGreens=
Four know on, eye will doubel cheek my gramer just fore u ! PLEASE
TarponMonoxide=
If it was spelled right would you know where to find a copy? lol
Don't diss it til you try it! I'd bet money on it. If you'd give the book an openminded chance, you just may like it. Your husband may love it! If the two of you would read it together I would almost guarentee it'll spark a fire under your butts. To anwser your question though, (twenty8), you could give the worlds greatest head but if your lover isnt willing to learn (read the book) with you than unfortunantly Id have to say you may be left wanting and wondering why you put forth so much effort to help your sex life. But if you give him a gift that you learned from the book and he loves it, you would think because he wants to please you to, that he would jump in the boat with you! It would take alot of hard work but it would be fun too. I completely think it would be the answer to your problems:) I recommend "Karma Sutra" to anyone wanting to learn. Good Luck:)
baaaahaha yeah, outlandish, my foot!
and since you've been around for all of 34 posts, i am sure you are the best judge on TM's "distorted" views on sex..... eyes rolling right out of my head....
HUH?
Bad sign.
I don't think it's relevant whether or not they had sex before they were married. Just like in any area of the relationship, you must work together or the pairing will not go well.
It sounds most likely that he is having trouble not ejaculating too soon. I know anyone can be defensive when bringing up sex issues, so pick a time when you are both happy and in a neutral place, like at the breakfast table, to gently say "I love being intimate with you, but something has been bothering me. I can't enjoy sex if I cannot move, so please tell me: are you worried that you will ejaculate too soon? Because if you are, we can work on that."
It's true - there are methods that partners can do together, or the man can do alone, that will extend his time during sex. The simplest is having him masturbate earlier in the day, as this has been shown to make men last longer.
Don't give up on your marriage too easily. Good luck!
i'm amazed at the amount of people who suggested getting rid of your husband just because he is doing something weird in bed. marriage is way more than sex, people! If your husband was in an accident and became paralyzed, unable to have sex any more, would you leave him? Marriage is WAY more than just sex. If OP is in LOVE, then
That being said, I don't think he should be behaving like that in bed. It may be hard, but you two need to sit down and chat about it. Ask him why he asks you not to move, and instead of telling him you don't like it, tell him it is so much better for you when you can move around too! He should be open to talking about how he can please you more. If he is being purely selfish, then maybe it is a deeper issue. If he is having pain during a perfectly normal sexual position (girl on top shouldn't cause pain) then maybe it is something more than a sexual "perversion." I would suggest at that point him seeing a doctor, or the 2 of you going together to sex therapy.
First and foremost you should talk to him about it! I understand your fears about hurting his feelings and turning him off to sex completely, so just make sure you are not criticizing him, and make sure he understands you are giving him tips to help please you better. If you stay quiet about it, it will never get better.
Good luck!
Jeanie,
Excuse me for saying so but I think you're getting alot of poor advice on this board. I applaud you and your husband for abstaining before marriage. My husband and I have been married for 2 months and we did things the same way. That being said I understand your frustration. It can be difficult getting two people to sync up sexually at first, and at times it's even emotional. But I doubt I'll ever enjoy getting practice with any other activity more than I enjoy improving our sex life.
I agree that you and your husband have a problem. I say "you AND your husband" because once two people are married, it's no longer "your problem" or "my problem" it's "our problem". This makes you both responsible to work together on a solution. I would hope your husband would have this same, patient attitude if you were the one experiencing difficulty expressing yourself in an appropriate sexual manner.
I agree with the ladies here who suggest you both go and see a counselor/sex therapist. A word of caution: Be very careful who you select to have such intimate access and influence in your life. A word of personal advice, pick up a copy of Dr. Kevin Lehman's book: Sheet Music. My husband and I read it together a week before our wedding. We laughed hysterically at times, and had some really deep conversations at others. I've read several books on the subject but this book has helped us the most. I couldn't recommend that you and your husband sit down and read it together more!
Most of all, do not consider an anullment/divorce. Think how shallow your husband's love would be for you if he asked for a divorce because you weren't accomodating him sexually as often as he would like. It may seem like a huge deal to him, but most women would be outraged. In the same way, your husband may be fairly oblivious as to how his behavior makes you feel. If he is aware, he probbaly feels embarassed or even inadequate. Have a talk with your husband, just remember to be gentle. Sex is a very touchy subject for men!
I wish you both the best!