Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.
I wonder if he wouldn't have sex with her, and told her she was unattractive. That'd make someone vulnerable to someone who felt otherwise.
Not that I condone cheating, at all. But... I wonder.
It's not like I said hey this guy is going to be my husband. I just never met a guy that would do that for a girl he hardly knew.
Why did his first marriage end? Do you know?
I have brought that point up to him a few times, and asked if he treated her the same way. He said no. I do believe him only because I met her and she is very manipulative.
Since I'm fairly sure you had no idea what his heart was when you first saw him, yes. It was about looks. There is absolutely nothing wrong about not finding your spouse physically attractive anymore. What you choose to do with that information is up to you. But this idea that you always have to find your mate hot even if they put on lots of weight and completely change the way they dress or present themselves is crap.
ETA - I'm not saying that him saying "I don't find you attractive anymore" isn't hurtful. But the fact that, if what you say is true, that he was honest with you and didn't say it in the context of "I don't find you attractive anymore and I want a divorce/have been cheating on you/and add this to all the other craptastic stuff I do" actually makes me have a bit of respect for him. He's trying to bring this problem up to you with hints, and when that didn't work he just straight out said it.
We COULD give this guy the ginormous benefit of the doubt and say "Perhaps he sucks at presenting how he feels and his comment went over like a fart in a crowded elevator."
At any rate, he could have expressed himself more positively: "Honey, I'm worried about you and your weight. You're gaining quite a lot and I am worried about your health" -- the very last thing he should have said was "I am not sexually attracted to you anymore."
A weight problem? Perhaps. A self esteem problem? Definitely.
An H problem?
100%.
Decide what you want to do about HIM. Tha'ts the bottom line.
Fvck it, I'll say it... I'm overweight and ADORABLE!
Fat doesn't mean ugly. Get that thought out of your head right now. If your H thinks fat = ugly, that's on him.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I knew a very very large woman who was gorgeous -- every hair in place; always was looking sharp --- it's all a matter of self confidence and self-worth.
Same went for a guy I knew; he was very large also -- he never had a lack of dates. Again, it was self confidence. And he was a hell of a nice guy, too.
Give thought to a makeover and a new haircut -- it should lift your spirits.
Soe does writing a brag sheet.
A guy I know who is a job counselor advocates a brag sheet -- write down every accomplishment you've ever had, from the time you were a kid up until now. You'll have a novel or novella by the time you're done --- you'll be amazed at what you have done in your life.
include EVERYTHING, even how many cookies you sold as a Scout, your first dance recital, an A you got in such and such a project, etc.
It'll also do wonders for you for your self esteem, too.
I have to reply to you even though I know you've gotten a ton of good advice already.
Your past DOES NOT make you a horrible person. You're human. Humans sometimes do things that aren't the healthiest, they test boundaries, and they learn. My therapist defines it as the difference between "guilt" and "shame." She defines guilt as acknowledging that you made a mistake, sometimes mourning what you did because it was wrong, and then forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to move on. Shame is when you can't let go and continually punish yourself for what you did.
And the stupid thing about punishing yourself, is that it pretty much just prompts you to repeat your mistakes over and over again because you've talked yourself into believing that "you're bad" and "that's what you deserve."
It's so hard, and believe me, I work on it every day, but have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself. You are who you are, so you may as well enjoy spending time with you.
And really, pretty much all of my most favorite people in the whole wide world are drunk sluts (self included) :-p
That just added a whole new light to the subject, thank you.
i call bs on this. if my h said something off hand and i said i wanted a divorce over it, he'd be falling over himself to fix things.
i think your h said this as an easy out, he was already one step ahead of you contimplating separation
You know that is what I thought too. How could he not change something he knows bothers me so much? Maybe for the same reason I feel like I can't fix the problem that bothers him so much?
I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said no. I told him that it would probably be a very long time until I would be able to be intimate with him. He told me that he knew, and he would be there when I was ready. I really didn't understand this yesterday but after we talked last night I really had the answers I needed.
I have a feeling your self esteem has been in the crapper your entire life. But you used drugs/alcohol/inappropriate sex/etc. to medicate yourself before. Now you "hide" behind your weight.
I have a feeling your husband, since you admit that outside of this issue is a great and supportive partner, probably had to say something shocking to get your attention.
I think it is a million years past time for you to start taking yourself seriously, and decide that you are actually a person worth knowing and loving. That will involve getting yourself to a therapist IMMEDIATELY. That also means getting your physical health under control, treating your ulcers, getting the Depo taken out if need be, and YES. Getting on a fitness and weightloss regimen.
Stop blaming how you feel on everything around you, and then using that excuse to let your appearance take a big nosedive. You need to take some ownership over what is going wrong in your universe and take the steps to right the ship.
Trista, It sounds to me that your husband probably is usually a good guy, but made a HUGE mistaking in
1. feeling this shallow.
2. actually verbalizing his shallowness.
My guess is that he's around a lot of guys who think that this kind of behavior is tolerable. He needs to learn that it's not. I'm not sure he can learn that from you, (because he seems like the type of guy who isn't really taking stock in what you think, which is the core of the problem,) so if he talks to a professional, that would be great. (FYI, when I went to therapy for depression I hit up a psychiatrist who was of my religion and it helped a lot.)
And, like others have said, it's not a bad idea for you to go to a therapist as well. It sounds like you've been through a lot.
I have to agree. You don't sound like you were a "horrible person" at all to me. You sound like you were probably a young adult who took the partying a little too far. "Horrible people" do a lot more than things that hurt themselves. Yes, what you were doing was bad.. but it was bad to you.. and it sounds like you've come out on the other end of that now. The important thing is you take care of that and make sure you stay "on the other side." If anything is going to drive a person into that kind of life it is a low self-esteem.. if you think you are worthless, what will be your motivation to keep yourself clean?? IMO, you are going to want to deal with that very quickly.
From one person who gained a ton of weight due to a medication to another.. it SUCKS! There are days when I am disgusted with myself! But, I have to realize, its not my fault. I can't help that the weight was put on. But, what I have to keep doing is working to get and keep myself healthy and try to get the weight off! You gained 60 in 3 years.. I gained 40 in 6 months on Celexa! It was horrible! I was dieting, exercising, I had changed nothing about my life and the pounds just kept piling on. I got off the med about 3 months ago and the gain stopped, but I have to tell you, its been killer getting the weight off. But, you have to keep valuing yourself or you are just going to fall into a depression and then you're right, the weight gain may not stop!
IMO, you shouldn't even be focussing on what your DH said to you right now. You have to take care of yourself first. Get yourself to a place where you can love yourself. I think once you do it will be much easier to figure out if what he said was out of love ("wake - up call if nothing else had worked") or something that was just cruel and you can't live with..
But, do we know he didn't say this? I'm wondering, OP, has he been saying these things to you? I could see where if he kept saying these things over and over and didn't feel like he was getting anywhere he may feel the need to say "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore." Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can come up for air. I'm not saying he was right.. I'm just saying I need more details to know if he was meaning that from a place of caring or from a hurtful place..
And I stand by what I said before.. you need to take care of yourself. You seem so full of self-loathing.. and no one deserves to feel that way. No matter how "horrible" you think you were. You need to love yourself.
I think this is one of the most insightful posts I?ve ever read on TheNest. Girl, even the hardest comments (I saw SueBear made you kinda upset) have gold in their words. Each word is written from a side of our experience, trying to get you out of the mess you feel.
I think, as the minority of the women, that your husband can be a nice person but said an absolutely horrible thing to you. And it?s his fault he put it that way, but it?s not a fact he spelled out of nowhere.
I also agree with someone who wrote that you should not make a decision on your marriage just yet. The bottom problem is that you don?t love yourself, in consequence, you also don?t feel loved by that special someone.
Getting personal counselling is URGENT, as Urgent as going to the ER if you fainted and banged your head. Stop posponing it, please. Don?t wait for more answers here, just go to counselling and come back only to tell us that you feel better, you?re getting healthier and that things are working out for you personally, and because of that, all general things are better.
I really hope you get healthy and you find a way to feel better with yourself. Look how much you?ve left behind, you shouldn?t feel haunted by your past, but proud of what you?ve overcome.
Speaking as someone who's done some pretty *** things myself, I can safely say that every single person on here speaks the truth.You cannot and will not be able to love someone else until you love yourself, and that's just the flat truth of the matter.
Some pretty awful stuff happened to me before I met my FI. I won't go into details here, but just know that I didn't feel I was worthy of love either for a very long time. I will tell you that stable, good men who want healthy relationships will absolutely not go for a woman who doesn't have any self-esteem to speak of. I went through some pretty dark days before I met FI. Trust me, I don't feel anything but proud and blessed that I'm still even here.
From a religious standpoint, I can tell you this: God loves you. No matter what you've done. If you've prayed about it and asked forgiveness for it, you have a clean slate. Your past is your past, and the best thing you can do is leave it there. Nobody, but nobody, has the right to judge you on what you've done unless you've committed a crime.
Find a therapist, please. Studies have shown that our physical and emotional states are very closely linked. You absolutely cannot wait on therapy. It will start to affect you badly if you do, even worse than it already has. Don't make a life decision about anything until you've been going to therapy. Make sure that you're comfortable with your therapist and that you trust them. If it hadn't been for my therapist I could never have taken a chance on FI.
Best of luck to you- my thoughts and prayers are with you.
And all these sounds like excuses, even if you say they aren't.
God thinks you're beautiful. I suggest reading Proverbs 31. Measure yourself by God's standards. Whatever you do, don't become bitter; smiling in adversity is far more attractive.
I also agree with those suggesting therapy. I'm no relationship expert, but you want to nip these type of relationship issues in the bud before they develop into something worse.
I work as a therapist and I will say to you, it sounds like you, like many people, have a lot of things you need to work out, but it also sounds like there is a lot going on for you, and in the contemplation of dealing with all these things, you've come to a place of paralysis. I also "hear" you saying that you "don't have time" to focus on this because of your medical problems. I would guess that taking some time to work on some of these issues with a therapist would have benefits for you from an emotional AND physical standpoint. All of these problems exist in one vessel, your body, and dysfunction in one area inevitably will affect other areas.
The main thing to me that sticks out if your vilification of yourself -- is someone that sleeps around and does drugs truly a "horrible person", or maybe someone who was engaging in unhealthy behaviors as a way of trying to make themselves feel better?
Okay, I won't start counseling you myself, but I will tell you, as a clinician, I see lots of good starting points for you - the potential is there for you to improve the way you look at yourself and your world, but only YOU can make the decision to take that first step. Good luck to you.
Your emotional issues ARE a medical issue, and if all of your other medical issues have a place on your priority list, then your mental health ought to be at the top. You sound like you are (emotionally) in a very low place right now, and if you can't make time in your life for caring for yourself, then there's nothing else worth spending time on. Your mental health is affecting your physical health, your marriage, and probably other areas of your life, too. I know it feels like a major committment to see a therapist, but from what I've read, it sounds like a committment you need to make in order to live your life. Even if it's only an hour a week, you will probably find it helpful. And I think someone else said this, but a little bit of excersise will probably help you, too.
Your marriage does need work, and I agree with some comments that he may not be deserving of you if he really is saying that he's not attracted to you because you're "fat and ugly." However, people in depressed states often distort reality or read incorrectly into what others say or do (this is where therapy comes in.. you may need to identify how you react to situations, and whether or not your perceptions reflect what others intend). If he were to say, 'Honey, I'm concerned about all the weight you are gaining (et cetera) and noticed that we aren't as close anymore. I'm worried that we aren't attracted to each other anymore," I can see how that can be hurtful, but it's not the same as, "I just can't be with you because of how fat you got."
Sorry for echoing others, but it sounds like you really need to speak to a professional about all of this.
Something thyroid or hormonal or maybe it is an emotional issue.
No idea what happened to this poster. Looks like she vanished; who knows if she read all the advice?
On the one hand, he was honest about how he's feeling. Which he can't help.
On the other hand, his feelings kind of illustrate that he's a jackass.
All i guess i can say is that this guy BETTER have the same physique he had at 18. And all his hair to boot. Because there are WAY too many fat, aging, ugly men out there thinking they deserve a wife who bends over backwards to look like a supermodel.