WWIND?

Emily523

I don't understand your problem with calling your wedding a destination wedding.  hehe.  It's really not a big deal. 

I think you should tell your friend you can't make it.  If she doesn't understand, she's crazy.  No one should be expected to come to your wedding, destination or not.   

frlcb

Emily523:

I don't understand your problem with calling your wedding a destination wedding.  hehe.  It's really not a big deal. 

I think you should tell your friend you can't make it.  If she doesn't understand, she's crazy.  No one should be expected to come to your wedding, destination or not.   

I agree. You seem so defensive about the DW stuff. Is your dh from Italy? Did he grow up there? I think *most* people would say if you are having a wedding in a country that neither of you live in or are from would be a DW. If you don't want to call it that then don't. 

VABeach08

Right, so I think I'm alone here... but I'm alone and unafraid ....

DW or no, life changes and people have to cancel (or show up last minute).  It's not ideal (both scenarios happened... close friends RSVP'd yes and had to cancel b/c of trials in NYC (we got married in VA), and my SIL RSVP'd no b/c of international drama (they lived in the UK), and then showed); but it happens and, IMO, who cares?!  

Do I hate my friend that called and cancelled during my "deck party" (aka rehearsal dinner)?  No.  Do I loath my SIL, who wasn't on the list, but showed last minute (big PITA w/ the caterer et al)?  No.

Both are fine.  We're just as married.  Not to go all U2, but With or Without You !

So my bottomline... if you can do it, great!  If you can't, it happens, don't beat yourself up.  Seriously.  Do the best you can and that's it.  DW... or not... doesn't really matter, IMO.

Emily523

VABeach08:

Right, so I think I'm alone here... but I'm alone and unafraid ....

DW or no, life changes and people have to cancel (or show up last minute).  It's not ideal (both scenarios happened... close friends RSVP'd yes and had to cancel b/c of trials in NYC (we got married in VA), and my SIL RSVP'd no b/c of international drama (they lived in the UK), and then showed); but it happens and, IMO, who cares?!  

Do I hate my friend that called and cancelled during my "deck party" (aka rehearsal dinner)?  No.  Do I loath my SIL, who wasn't on the list, but showed last minute (big PITA w/ the caterer et al)?  No.

Both are fine.  We're just as married.  Not to go all U2, but With or Without You !

So my bottomline... if you can do it, great!  If you can't, it happens, don't beat yourself up.  Seriously.  Do the best you can and that's it.  DW... or not... doesn't really matter, IMO.

I don't think you're alone.  That's what I got from all the responses.   

frlcb

Emily523:

VABeach08:

Right, so I think I'm alone here... but I'm alone and unafraid ....

DW or no, life changes and people have to cancel (or show up last minute).  It's not ideal (both scenarios happened... close friends RSVP'd yes and had to cancel b/c of trials in NYC (we got married in VA), and my SIL RSVP'd no b/c of international drama (they lived in the UK), and then showed); but it happens and, IMO, who cares?!  

Do I hate my friend that called and cancelled during my "deck party" (aka rehearsal dinner)?  No.  Do I loath my SIL, who wasn't on the list, but showed last minute (big PITA w/ the caterer et al)?  No.

Both are fine.  We're just as married.  Not to go all U2, but With or Without You !

So my bottomline... if you can do it, great!  If you can't, it happens, don't beat yourself up.  Seriously.  Do the best you can and that's it.  DW... or not... doesn't really matter, IMO.

I don't think you're alone.  That's what I got from all the responses.   

I think everyone on here told her to not go if she was not comfortable with going. It was the DW part that no one agrees on  

dulcemariamar1

Jetur20:

dulcemariamar1:

Not to be snarky, it sounds like you dont want to go. I dont blame you because it sounds like you are going to have to travel a really long distance for a short period of time. However, if you want to go to the wedding then maybe you should ask your boss for the time.

On my income alone plus his unemployment we'll be breaking even if we are careful.  We have savings, of course, so I could do it.  I'm just scared to spend money not knowing when we will have an income again.

But you are right in that part of me doesn't want to go.  I'm so concerned about him finding a job that 1) I can't really feel excited about weddings - when people ask for pics about mine or where to send presents I just kinda ignore them for a while because honestly it's the last thing I care about now.  I wish we had known before spending so much on the wedding and honeymoon and 2)  spending money on non-essentials feels irresponsible.

I'm just not sure I could enjoy it.  Maybe that makes me a shiitty person (and I know her wedding is not about me), but we haven't even told our parents in the hopes that it will all work out and he'll have something else before it's "real" and he is officially terminated.  So it's just a constant weight that is my priority right now and there isn't much mental space left for anything else.  I feel like to be a good friend I should go, but I also feel like I should worry about taking care of my family first and we may need that money (even though we have it now). January is just the beginning of his job search and being back in the US.

JennyBee - you are right in that I don't like Turkmenistan that much.  But we were looking for other opportunities to go elsewhere, because I really like being an expat and don't want to go back to the US soon.  Returning to the US this soon really hurts our savings plan and now that DH has to scramble for any job, we don't have as much control over what happens and where we end up.  I mean, he is looking at jobs in Saudi, Iraq and Kazakhstan, among other places. I'm up for an adventure - a few years is no big deal - but having time to save money and look versus being forced back early with one less income is not ideal.  I'm sure at the end it will all end up for the best, I'm just not sure how at the moment.  Neither of us has been in this position, so we're just kinda shell-shocked and scared.

RECAP:  If I go I will feel like *** because we may need the mone.  If I don't go and we don't end up needing the money, I will feel like ***.  Then I have another person who constantly bitched about my DW telling me that I owe this other girl ANYTHING because she went to my DW.   

I get how you guys feel about the technical definition of a DW, but I don't see how having a wedding in the place where MOST OF THE GUESTS LIVE in a situation where you CANNOT have the wedding where you and your FI live is comparable to picking a random place for no particular reason to which everyone will have to travel.  I guess I just resent that particular pressure and do think that even if you call them the same thing people should be able to see how there is a difference.

Yikes! That one girl sounds like a real gem. I would try to avoid talking to her for awhile if she is just going to make you feel guilty about the wedding.

I would talk to my friend and explain the situation. Tell her at this point you dont feel comfortable about spending the money but that you hope your DH can find a job soon and that maybe you can consider going again. I think most mature adults realize that life happens and that you should be flexible.

And maybe you dont want advice on this matter but I really hope that you think twice before you just pack up and move to a place like Iraq. I know you want an expat experience and I am sure the money is great but there are more important things in life then just building up your savings.

allibally

I think it's reckless to spend that kind of money given you situation. Even with a chunk in savings I wouldn't want to dip into that at all. Plus your not even sure you want to go now.

What if your DH gets a job in the Mideast or Asia. Are you staying in NYC while he settles in and then look for jobs by him or our you going to be a traveling spouse. You might want that cash to see your husband if he unexpectedly gets a job out of the NYC area.

Regardless if you think you didn't have a DW. Clearly some of your guests thought that way and have mentioned it to you and or kept it to themselves. Meaning that just like your determining if you can afford to go or take the time off so did those guests.

Snippylynn

Dude, GET OVER the whole labeling of your wedding as destination. IT WAS. Move on. The reasons why someone chooses the wedding and location they do are just part and parcel of the whole deal. You made your decision, now stand up for it, no matter what people called it. Sheesh.

 

Don't go to the wedding in Costa Rica. If they don't like it, they aren't friends and tell them to feck off.