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Mom mad we are having dessert on Thanksgiving at DH aunt's house (long)
So, DH and I decided that we would be alternating holidays a few years ago. We also told both familes, that in the event of something special (my uncle coming home from Iraq (2 years ago) for example) that we would not rely on our "alternating holidays that given year. Both of our families live close, but as I have written about this before-they both want to monopolize out time (most do, esp. my mom and his mom/sisters). I wish we could see both on Thanksgiving/Christmas, but timing of dinners has not made that possible. It just became too much rushing around, trying to please everyone, then the second dinner we would attend, the first would know we weould stay longer, as we skirted out of theirs to get to the next......basically, someone always got mad/upset and my mom has become especially controlling......always was, but here's the latest:
Today my husband's aunt (very nice) got married to her long time bf. The ceremony was lovely, and Dh and I had a good time w/his family. Aunt and new husband invited their familes, so there were about 20 people total. My mom called after to see how it went. SHE WANTED ALL DETAILS. I told her there wasn;t much to tell, it was fun, and they were nice to me (they can sometimes be catty, but it's gotten better). The wedding was at my SIS restaurant, a very nice place, and we had the reception there too. Since I had a good time as it was a happy occassion, I told my mom that DH Aunt invited us for dessert/stop by after we eat with my side this year. I thought it was a nice gesture, and she was like, come whenever, we don't see you guys enough...very nice....and we said we woudl have dessert with them/drinks Thanksgiving night.
My mom got PIZZED. She stopped talking, got short with me "mmmm....that's good...." Trust me, I know my mom, and when she is mad, or doesn't "approve" that's what she does. Then does a little, "ehh" sniff/nose noise....anyways.....I told her I was in traffic and had to go. I was abrupt and said I would call her later.
So she KNEW I was mad, and calls me back 15 minutes later to "see if I was home."
I had just enjoyed a fun afternoon, at a WEDDING and she burst my buble (temporarily) with getting mad that we were having dessert with DH's side after dinner w/mine.
So, my question is: Should DH and I just not say we are rotating holidays? Basically, we eat dinner one place, instead of rushing fromone to the other. I am just wondering why my mom is so mad (I am going to talk to her later) and how to lay down the law about this. This isn't the first time my mom has gottne upset when we didn't spend the holiday or follow our "rotation" to a tee.
TIA
Re: Mom mad we are having dessert on Thanksgiving at DH aunt's house (long)
If you want to go to his aunts, go. You don't need to explain anything to your mom. How long have you been married?
Well, I feel your mom is majorily over-reacting. But... to a point, I can see why she's upset. Yes, for special events (like uncle coming home), I htink it's great that you put out the expectation that the rotation won't always be 100% followed.
However - this is your family's year but because his family asks you over (instead of, in a sense, respecting that it's not their turn) for dessert, and you go. I understand where you're coming from. Aunt just got married, you had a nice time, she extended this offer - you want to go. I fully get it.
BUT I can also see why you're mom may feel that "her" year is being impeded on by your DH's family (mom or aunt, it's still his side) and it's really not for an event that necessarily seems important enough to break the rotation. A newly married aunt asked you over. Not really the same as uncle coming home from Iraq.
All that being said - I don't know that I'd change my plans based on your moms reaction! You say this is an on-going issue. She isn't really approaching you maturely and saying what I said above. Instead, she's having a temper tantrum. Don't know that I'd reward the tantrum by doing what she wants....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hi, I never post here but for some reason checked this board out.
My daughter and her partner have always rotated the holidays
(Christmas & Thanksgiving) I think it works really well.
I don't know how you enjoy youselves running around all day.
Good Luck!
We have been married almost 6 years.
We went over on Christmas Eve last year to my side bc my mom gt me into it. I went over and was treated like crap as my mom had told her sister that I didn't know if I was going to be at my grandparents' house. It was all "We thought you has NO IDEA what you were doing". Mimicking me bc I told my mom that I didn't know if we were going to Christmas eve, but would be all theirs Christmas day. IT was not fun. We left after an hour.
I know the uncle coming back from Iraq was probably a very big example. We had our anniversary on Thanksgiving 4 or 5 years ago and saw both sides, as they wanted to celebrate w/us. I think we ate with DH's side, dessert with my side.
To reitterate a point: WE ARE THE ONLY ONES out of either family who has to split time/rotate holidays.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB in many ways; especially the part about your mom feeling like the entire day should be with her. My family is very similar.
However, I think you should add a new stipulation with your mom that as an adult, you have every right to come and go as you please. We did the same with DH's family and mine. We want our freedom to do what we want to do (but really we wanted freedom from the stress/guilt of making ourselves happy). My mom and Dh's mom & sister wanted us to make them happy. If we wanted to catch a movie that just came out - it didn't matter - we had to spend time with them. We grew tired of that and said enough. We felt like prisoners - chose to spend our weekend with them but then once there we couldn't go or do anything else.
Talk to your mom. If she refuses to see your point of view I would chalk it up to agreeing to disagree - see you Thursday at 2.... and then Thursday at 6 you excuse yourself - say goodnight and head over to your aunts. GL
Oh - well there's your problem. Mommy dearest doesn't like the new change lol. She'll get over it, or she won't and then you'll be blunt and tell your mom the discussion is over.
I agree with ECB and Kcgrl. While splitting the day wasn't working for you, it doesn't sound like a blanket alternating policy is working either.
I think you need to let both sides know that you will take each holiday on a case by case basis. You deserve to enjoy your holidays & not stress about who you're upsetting or offending. An occasional holiday without either side may be a nice break.
I'd also have a talk with your mom about how she is putting a serious damper on the time you do spend with her by trying to make you feel guilty about the time you're not with her. Be honest that it makes you less inclined, not more, to spend the holidays with her.
ECB says everything quite well (as usual).
You have every right to strictly rotate or mix it up - but there are consequences to each. And its very hard to pull-off both. You were full of the love and spontaneity of the moment, your mother wasn't. You felt the warmth of an invitation to "come for desset" - your mother felt slighted.
I think you over-shared. She wanted details of a wedding and you went off course into details about the holiday a few weeks away. You just can't expect your mother to "get it" from a phone call when she was just expecting details on a wedding. You slapped her with a huge change on a holiday that is already charged.
And it came acoss ... a little ... as permission. You told her, she was snippy and then you got snippy - so she "should know" how you feel - you were both doing the same thing. Anyway, you seem disapointed that she didn't understand your motives. Who cares? Does it matter? If it does, why slam her with the info like this?
But really, why would she want you to go there? Really, has she ever been flexible about the holiday? Really, does she see you leaving for dessert as a loss? She does, right? So, why expect not?
I honestly don't know how people live like this. Guilt trips, anger over silly things, fighting over holidays, etc. Really?
You need to just tell your mom that you're not putting up with her shiz anymore. You and your H will plan holidays according to what works best for you. We would not put up with our families treating us like this and would put a stop to it immediately.
I'm on your mom's side in this.
Basically, you are trading time with your mom for a "better deal," and you find spending time with aunt more interesting / fun than spending time with your mom. I get it, but it's pretty rude / insulting to your mom (the host). You can't expect her to be happy for you when you deliver this news. That's a consequence of your choice.
"Being invited by someone else" is not the same as "returning from a tour of military duty."
That's not to say that I don't think that you should do whatever you want for the holiday - you're an adult, you should do whatever you want/works best for you! But telling your mom your plans knowing how she is, you were asking for this. Next time don't tell everyone what all of your plans are. Your mom really didn't need to know that you were leaving her house to go to your inlaws' house. And maybe drop the concrete rotation schedule and just let people know you're playing it by ear.
Really? You didn't know she'd cluck and be annoyed? That was a super shock? Something you never saw coming?
Come on.
Since you already said yes to the aunt I would probably go but in the future stick to your rotating holidays plan. Just tell your mom you're sorry and you didn't mean to upset her.
You can do WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU, but you need to remember that there will be hurt feelings regardless of what happens.
If you leave your mom's house to go to aunt's - your mom will have her feelings hurt. If you leave the ILS early to go to grandparent's on Xmas eve, your ILS feelings will be hurt. If you don't leave the ILS home and skip going to your grandparents, your mom / grandma will be hurt. You need to be ok with this, b/c either someone will be hurt, or YOU will run yourself ragged.
Also, in your case, your mom will always try to guilt and manipulate you.
You want to go to aunt's house for dessert, so go, but just realize that your mom isn't going to be ok with it. Also, she is probably going to "use" this in the future ("oh, so you could leave OUR house early to go to ILS, but you can't leave the ILS house to go to your grandparents?"). Or she will start offering to "host" dessert when it is your ILS year to see you at Thanksgiving! You need to be able to stand firm: "Mom, we may have gone to aunt's house last Thanksgiving for dessert, but switching houses won't work for us this time."
It is OK for your mom and family (or ILS) to be disappointed if you don't spend the holidays with them. They love you and want to be with you! You just have to realize that it is YOUR choice how you and H spend the holidays, and you don't have to be "fair," or see every last person. You need a holiday that works for you.
Here is a big part of your problem, regardless of whether you rotate holidays or not. Your mom does the huffy guilt-trip thing because it works like a charm on you. Every time you cave to it, it reinforces their behavior.
Let go of your expectation that everyone has to be happy with how you and your DH spend your holidays. Decide between the two of you how you'll spend it, let everyone know your plans (the part that affects them directly), and enjoy your day. Let everyone at the other gatherings know you'll miss them and wish them a good time. The first time or two you do this it will probably get worse - huffy guilt trips will be ramped up to see if you really mean it this time. Don't get sucked into the drama, stick to your plans, and remember that you and your DH set the tone for how much you enjoy your own holidays.
However, maybe this is a minor point, but you contradict yourself here:
So.... do you spend x-mas Eve w your side or not? I'm kind of confused at this point and it makes me wonder how clearly you're telling family what you're doing.~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think the mistake you made is putting swapping holidays in stone more or less, unless there were extenuating circumstances. Now your families have set their expectations as such.
Look, your families do not have ownership papers over how much time, if any, you spend with them over the holidays. You are not dogs, but they are treating you as such.
I would try getting through this holiday season best you can, and start setting your own traditions next year.
I can see a mother's point of view in this. I can also see the grown daughter/wife/woman's point of view. Honestly, just because you know your mother's "code" for being upset, and just because you can figure out what she's mad at...doesn't equate to her actually laying it out there as something you've done wrong. Appreciate her feelings for the situation, for not throwing it out there for debate/discussion and not demanding you do anything other than you planned. I wouldn't come down on her or lecture her for her feelings, but only if and when she's actually crossed the line. You of course can talk to her and say that you can appreciate her *not* doing those things given that it must be difficult as a mother to a grown and married daughter and that you *love* how she's not guilting you or forcing you to try to be all things to all people. I would suspect that a little buttering up in that direction will make her feel more appreciated and make the holiday thing a bit easier to swallow...and make things like this in the future a little easier for you to navigate and for her to accept.
However, there's no reason you can't leisurely stay at your mom's and go late night to your husband's aunt's home. Yet, for the ongoing things, since you are stating that only the two of you are having to split holidays...well, it might be because other adult-children have given up trying to split and find it easier to just be at one home over the other (either they don't wish to do the splitting, or one set of in-laws are always left out because the other set of in-laws make it so difficult to even try to share holidays)...but there is nothing wrong with you hosting your own Thanksgiving and combining the families.