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My husband really messed up. What do I do?
I'll try to make this brief...
My husband may have been fired from his job for accessing porn on a company computer. He's been placed on leave as of yesterday, pending an HR review. As stupid as the situation is by itself, it holds even more weight for me because of our relationship's history with his porn-watching.
We were married in June of this year, however, we have been with each other for 5 and 1/2 years and living together for over 3 of those years. I found out at some point during our dating phase that he watched porn, probably more than I'll ever know. The revelation made me very uncomfortable for multiple reasons, and I told him that from the begining,. At first he made it seem like it was no big deal, so I tried to let it go. However the more serious our relationship became, the more uncomfortable it made me, especially since it seemed like we were headed towards marriage. Long story short, we seemed to have worked it out, but then he'd go a while without watching, it'd surface that he had been, he'd apologize profusely, I'd accept, we'd move on (or so I thought) and I thought we were doing well and it'd happen again. It's happened a couple times but the last time led to such a big fight (mostly because he was lying, not necessary even because of the porn itself) that he seemed to really be sorry and I, again, forgave him. Now this. If he loses his job, I don't know how to take it. He was on his way to being a manager, and now, THIS.
I don't even know what to think - I have been lost, all day. I think anger is an understatement - I have no idea how to even deal with this whirlwind of emotions, nor how to approach the situation when I get home. I've barely spoken to him all day but he's called and texted and is more sorry than he's ever been, of course. Thankfully I'm at work or else I don't know what I'd do, now that I know why he all of a sudden was placed on leave last night. He didn't even know until he met with the corporate office this morning. Sigh... what should I do?
Re: My husband really messed up. What do I do?
Honestly, he sounds like an addict to me, I'm pretty sure that they have groups to deal with that and sex addicts. Maybe you should look into something like that, if he needs to watch it so bad that he watches it at work, that is an issue.
I'm sure it was something that came before you, I would be upset about it, but try to get him help before you act to harshly.
Bottom line? You have different values. You can't badger or berate someone into your way of thinking. You also can't control his sexuality, which is what you're trying to do here. He likes porn. You don't. He lies so you'll stay with him, you accept his lies so he'll stay with you.
He lies, you "accept" his apology and the cycle repeats itself. Dude likes looking at porn and you knew this going into the marriage, possibly even before the proposal, right? He said it would change, it didn't and you married him anyway.
So, as to the mess he's in right now.... Have you asked him if its true? My guess is that with his history of porn and in his misguided trying to hide it, he started looking at work and got busted.
What do you do? The employment situation notwithstanding, I think you need to call it quits. Its clear you're not compatible and you're only fooling yourself if you think he's "agreeing" with your no-porn stance because he clearly doesn't agree.
Its OK for you to want to be with someone who isn't into porn but this man is not that man. Its also OK for him to be with someone who is OK with him looking at porn. Point being, you both deserve to be happy and fulfilled, unfortunately, that's probably not going to be together.
If he was just a guy that watched porn on occasion then I would'nt give it a secound thought. Thats just me. I respect your opinion on it, but what is most important is that he respects your opinion and it's pretty clear he does not. If he told you he would stop and then repeatly decieved you by watching the porn behind your back then that would be that for me. The fact he just lost his job because of watching porn while he should've been working.... well... thats a way bigger problem. If you continue to just give him a little smack on his fingers when you catch him in the act then he will never stop. It sounds like he has an addiction to porn since he would chance his job over it. That being the case, then its way out of your hands. He needs help from a therapist if he really wants to stop. You'll have to make the choice of staying and supporting him or leaving. Most people would call you crazy if you stayed. I would agree to give him one more chance if he goes to a therapist, but I'm not known for making the best decisions:) I wish you luck.............
Why is it OK for her to force her sexual values on to him? This is exactly what she's trying to do, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I think the lying and sneaking around to watch porn isn't cool either. What I find more wrong, though, is that the assumption is that the H (or men in general) are in the wrong for wanting to watch porn. Wouldn't it be easier to find someone who has the same views on porn (or any subject you feel strongly about) rather than trying to spend the rest of your life scolding someone for not "behaving" the way you want them to? Why does HE need "fixed" by going to a therapist but she doesn't? Perhaps her issues with porn are related to poor self-esteem or body image. If that's the case, then shouldn't she go to therapy?
I don't have a problem with a guy watching porn. But, I've dated someone with a full-on porn addiction and it is not pretty. Anyone who would jeopardize their job by looking at porn at work has a serious problem. Either they have a serious judgement problem or they have a porn addiction problem. If you want to preserve your marriage than I think you need to attend marriage counseling. A counselor can also help get to the bottom of why your H began accessing porn at work, and if he does suffer from an addiction they can refer him to resources so that he can get help. If it turns out that he was only accessing porn at work because he wanted to hide it from you, then you two have much bigger problems than porn, you have huge communication issues.
I agree with Geek Girl.
And I don't think he's ever sincerely apologized for watching porn. He's sorry he got caught, and he's sorry that he's upset you with watching porn. He is not sorry he's watching porn.
And the fact he might lose his job because of this, I have no words. There are so many documented cases of people who lose their jobs due to similar issues. And many companies now have a written policy on "personal" use of work equipment. There's no way he can possibly expect anyone to believe he didn't know there would be consequences to watching porn on a work computer.
What has he said he's been willing to do now since all this? That's what I would factor in my decision.
This times ten! I can't say it any better.
Addiction sounds like a stretch. Dumbass is much more probable. He didn't want to get caught by you, so he gambled and went for it at work.
The reason I think he needs to be "fixed" is that he jeopardized his job over it. If someone went to work drunk and got fired, would you think he needed to be fixed? I agree you should be with someone who has the same views on porn as you (among many other things) but once anything begins affecting someone's life in a negative way I think it becomes a problem that needs to be fixed.
The fact that the did this at work would make me question his intelligence, which would lead to me losing respect for him, which would make me feel resentful because I married such a douchebagidiot.
Look, I'm not advocating for you to get a divorce at this point in time. I personally think there might still be something salvageable in this.
But, it would require major, MAJOR work on his part. And I'm wondering if he could handle it. Seeing as he baldface lied to you about looking at porn anymore.
First and foremost, though, make sure he still has a job. Depending on the frequency, length on the website, where he's actually employed, and his previous behavior he could just be looking at a really strong reprimand with probation.
You've got a long road ahead of you, my dear. And you have to figure out if it's worth it.
I'm referring to only the porn issue, not the doing it at work issue. Which, as you said, is a huge problem. My guess is that he did it so she wouldn't find it, as she wouldn't have access to his work computer. Not condoning it, of course, but I'm wondering if that's the root of it.
This probably will sound like I'm kicking you in the shins, but when you found out he was watching porn and you were in the dating stage when you got the news, you should have said goodbye right there. You didn't like it, you were not comfortable with it; therefore, why even continue a relationship with him? Makes no sense.
It sounds to me like he's got an addiction to porn watching; he probably had one all along.
My suggestions:
Drop into AA and Al Anon. You are facing the fact that he is a possible porn addict; AA and AlAnon are for those with an alcohol addiction but it is still the same premise: it is a 12 step program and porn can result in an addiction, the same as alcohol and drugs and gambling can be.
At AA, ask to speak to somebody who is an AA sponsor. See what he or she has to say.
I also suggest you have a look at all the financial records in your home -- maybe your H is spending quite a bundle on porn.
If you see charges on the card you cannot identify, call the number and find out what the service is for.
I would make it clear to him that he needs help for his problem or you are out of there. Being married to an addict of any kind is no life at all; addicts can also bankrupt you, both mentally, emotionally and financially.
Good luck; I am sorry for your troubles.
This. Exactly. See below;
What do you do? The employment situation notwithstanding, I think you need to call it quits. Its clear you're not compatible and you're only fooling yourself if you think he's "agreeing" with your no-porn stance because he clearly doesn't agree.
Its OK for you to want to be with someone who isn't into porn but this man is not that man. Its also OK for him to be with someone who is OK with him looking at porn. Point being, you both deserve to be happy and fulfilled, unfortunately, that's probably not going to be together.
watching porn is not uncommon ....watching at work and then getting fired is the issue. I dont want you to automatically think porn is a problem in normal situations....but in this case, I would be livid. He fvucked up royally and now he has to explain to potential employers his porn habit at work.
Iwould go to therapy w out him initially and see how YOU want to proceed. I would sriously consider all options includin a divorce
I can't say that your husband has a porn addiction. I do feel that you should have looked for a partner with the same values as you. However, if you feel that he has a problem, there are resources for you that are free.
http://www.no-porn.com/ -- This is a website for people who are recovering from porn addictions. There is a forum for the hurt partners, as well as a forum for the addicts to work together. You can find an accountability partner to keep yourself straight. You can also buy resources like a 10 step program similar to that of the AA recovery lifestyle.
For help healing from hurt (if any) of his betrayals due to addiction, you can look to recoverynation.com There are free "counseling" texts including homework exercises to work you through it. You can also hook up with a counselor through the website if you feel you need more than solo guided recovery.
I will say that I honestly can't gauge how I'd react if this happened to my SO. I would be beyond livid and I'm not sure how I'd get over it. I'm sorry that you're in the position. Good luck to both you and your husband. I hope the two of you find a solution that is good for the both of you.
He and she were never on the same page. This is why she should have moved on when she found out he watched porn and she was not comfortable with that.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.
If my husband made such an irresponsible, stupid decision I would have a difficult time trusting him again.
Porn is an addiction for some people. It gives them a "high", but since it's so accessible and every possible kind of porn there could be is out there, they become desensitized and need more porn and nastier porn to regain the high. Some do escalate to worse things. Some need to make the porn viewing experience more "dangerous" to regain the high, like viewing it at work or in other places where they shouldn't. There's research on this out there.
I'm not going to tell you to stay with him or not, but realize it IS a full-on addiction and needs to be treated as such. Some people addicted to porn become just like drug users in that they'll lose everything (job, wife, family) because they can't give it up. You both need an experienced therapist and he needs to be in program for porn addicts if your marriage is going to have a chance.
This poster speaks the truth. Not the easy, the truth. Best of luck.
If my H got fired for doing some shiit he knew I had a problem with, he'd be dropped like burnt toast.
Ass.hole.
Click me, click me!
I'm sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like your husband has a serious addiction to porn, greater than you can comprehend. You told him you didn't like it, he told you he would stop, and you believed him. I totally understand.
Now, he is facing the humiliation and the loss of a job. Not to mention your trust and turning your lives up side down. Some things can be worked out between between the two people in the relationship. This is not the case here. He needs help and you will need help to get through this, too. Professional help.
I don't know many women, even if they have no issue with their SO's watching porn, being OK with a man with a full blown addiction. This is a death blow to any relationship/marriage.
Thank you all for your honest answers. I really appreciate the feedback.
It turns out he did lose his job. He was officially terminated about two weeks ago. I was SO angry for days... I could barely stand it. When I could finally talk to him again we had a serious conversation where I basically told him how hurt I was that he would do this to us and how appalled I was that he would make such a stupid decision but that I also must be at fault in some way as well for letting it go all this time just hoping that the issue would go away. I also told him that maybe we are just not meant to be becaue I have no right to expect him to change if that's what he really wants to do. He responded that it's not what he really wants to do and that he doesn't even understand why he does it - he's just drawn to it for reasons he can't even explain. Of course there's the sexual aspect but he says its more than that and begged me to give him a chance to fix it. I do still deeply love him and throughout the course of our relationship, it's obvious that he deeply loves me too and I so believe that we are truly meant to be together, if we can just get past this issue. And also, since I feel I must have played some sort of role in all of this, I don't feel it's fair to either of us to just walk away. So on that premise, we agreed that we would seek counseling and/or therapy after the first of the year. I did make it clear to him however, that I'm not sure if this whole "addiction" excuse is real or not but he really seems to believe that has to have something to do with it, so I am willing to try the professional help route. I really hope it works.
You deserve your jobless porn addict if you REALLY believe that you played some role in the decisions HE (not you) made.
Honestly, I'm not sure I could stay married to my H if he put our life together in jeopardy because he can't wait 8 hours to look at porn. I don't want to be married to an idiot... and that is the HEIGHT of idiocy.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm assuming he married you knowing how anti-porn you were. So it was HIS choice to still marry you, HIS choice to continue his porn habits although he knew how you felt about it and HIS choice to be the world's biggest dumbazz and pick WORK as the best place to do his porn viewing.
HE is the common denominator in all of this. Not you.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes