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I know my problem
I realize I have a husband problem but I just need to vent. We live in the same town as ILs. My divorced parents live in the next town over. We see them alot more, which is fine. My problem is that my husband will make plans for the both of us with them. Like this Sunday, we're both off. He said we would come over to visit, without asking me first. I could care less if he went to go visit them on his own, because I wanted to spend the day catching up laundry and some housework, but no he said we both would come over.
Same with Thanksgiving. He said we would go over, without asking me! It feels like we spend every Thanksgiving with them, I wanted to see what my dad had planned since my mom will be out of town. He had to go and make plans without asking me first. Grr. I might just make plans with my dad to see how he feels about it.
Like I said I don't mind visiting his parents, but it feels like every day off we have together we spend a majority of it at their house. I just want one lazy Sunday to do what I want and not have to deal with his mother. She thinks I don't like her if I don't show up with him.
Re: I know my problem
Good luck on communicating with your husband before Sunday.
When he started this nonsense, you should have made sure it ended right there.
Again, you need to communicate. Sit downwith him and make it clear that he needs to agree with you when it is okay to meet with/socialize with anybody, whether it's the ILs, your parents, your friends or whoever.
I would kindly tell him Sunday is no good for me and that I will NOT be attending.
Stop being a pushover and start speaking up for your rights. This would not be okay with me.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! That sounds like MY venting frustration!!!
NO JOKE! Although, my H does ask me, but I know deep down he wants me to go so bad to visit his parents so I feel so bad for saying no. Or then I feel like I have to choose to either spend time with him (while we go to his dad's) or stay home alone.
I would honestly catch up on my busy work week and stay home cooking and cleaning. Low Key- nooo entertaining.
GR! Sometimes....
If your MIL thinks you don't like her because you don't turn up, that's actually not your problem to solve.
The fact of the matter is that your husband made a commitment for your time when you had other plans. That those plans were to do the laundry is your business.
I would politely and calmly let DH know you won't be going and have a talk about him making a commitment for your time. If he gets upset that his Mum will be upset, then you need to point out that he created the situation and not you.
If you've been going along with this situation for a while then there will be some upset and tension while you work through standing up for yourself and creating new habits of behaviour, but no one will die from any of this.
It is not a DH problem if you keep going over there when you have other plans. It is you problem. You don't tell him, you don't say I've got other plans, you don't do what you want to and go along with it. Doing a tit for tat isn't going to solve the problem. Stay home do the laundry and let him visit them on his own. Nobody will die. His mother can think what she wants, and if one non visit is going to make her crazy then you going Sunday is giving in to a lifetime of inconsiderate asshattery.
was posting at the same time as Kate and we both agree there will be no deaths, lol.
I agree that this has become a "you" problem as much as a DH problem.
These people live in the same town - it's perfectly ok for your H to go see them from time to time without you! Tell your H "sorry I can't make it to go to your parents home. I have plans to work on the house and I don't want to be distracted. Next time, check with me before committing me, b/c now you'll have to explain to your mom why I'm not there."
Ditto with Thanksgiving! Just b/c he told his mom you would be there doesn't mean that you are obligated to go IF HE DIDN'T CHECK WITH YOU!
You have two choices - either tell your H that since his family is getting Thanksgiving, your family gets Christmas, or make a plan about how you will handle the holidays. And if it seems his mom always gets Thanksgiving - maybe they don't care about Christmas? If that is the case, then maybe that's no so bad.
I'm wondering why you don't host if both families live so close.
And for holidays, you need a game plan anyway. Do you guys really "float with the wind" on each holiday?
Thanks ladies! I can see it's a "me" problem. Sometimes I just go along with it just so I don't have to fight with H. If I don't go, she gives H a guilt trip about how I don't like her and so on. For the record, I have never made H go see my parents if he didn't want to. If they invited us for supper, I would ask him first.
So let him deal with her guilt trip. It is not your problem. You didn't commit to going & back out, he decided for you & should deal with the consequences.
As other posters have said, this is as much a you problem as a H problem. Right now he is doing what works for him & his parents with no regard to your wants/ needs. As long as you aren't willing to rock the boat he is going to continue to do exactly as he has been. It's really up to you to stand up for yourself or let things continue this way.
Pick up the phone, call your MIL.
"Thakns for the invite on Sunday and sorry we got our wires crossed. DH spoke too soon about me coming over. I won't be able to make it. Thanks anyway." If she asks why just say "Too many things to do, such a shame. Bye." If she asks about DH, say "I'm not sure what he's doing. Bye."
I would make a rule of declining EVERY invitation your DH makes without consulting you. Including this Thanksgiving. He'll learn fast.
Right now you're outraged, but a doormat. Only you can stop that.
You need to turn this around, so your H starts feeling "now I just ask Heartsand stars before committing her, just so we won't have a fight."
Seriously - your H committs to plans without you, and if you don't go along, there is a fight? I'd fight back, and tell him that you going along just b/c he already told mommy you would be there is NOT going to fly!
So let her give HIM a guilt trip! You know the truth - you had other plans. Wanting to stick with your original plans doesn't mean that you don't like your MIL, just that you were busy and had your time scheduled for something else.
And believe it or not, it's OK even if the truth was that you DO NOT like her! You don't need to love or even like your ILS. You just need to respect them and treat them politely. However, respect goes both ways - - as it is now, neither your MIL nor your H seem to respect your time.
Basically what everyone else said. Just say no.
I had problems with my MIL too. She thought I hated her and I thought she hated me. I started calling her and emailing her about things going on since she doesn't see us that much. Now things are a lot better.
Well your husband has obviously learned from you that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than ask permission. I mean why talk to you about it if it means you will say no. He now knows all he has to do is give you a sad tale about his mommy giving him a guilt trip and then put the onus on you about her not liking you. Wow it seems he gets out of disrespecting you scott free.
Just say no. You know that you like her and you know that there is nothing wrong with you wanting to spend your free time catching up on chores, so that is all that matters. If he gets a guilt trip, well maybe that uncomfortable feeling will be all he needs to ask you about your schedule next time.
Word, Kuus. If I don't like something DH does, I let him know it. Not all the time, but when it is necessary. Such as, when he thought it was ok to plop himself down at the computer the second dinner was over (getting up from the table as soon as he finished eating and ignoring DS and I), and sat his arse there all night playing video games. Ya, you can believe he got an earful about that (after several reasonable requests nicely put).
So, I have no problem arguing with DH. One four-hour argument, and video games are no longer my problem. I told him that I divorced a gamer before I met him and I was in no way shape or form ready to be married to another one. I told him he needed to reserve his playing for when DS was in bed, so that both of us were available for parenting & chores during the time after work until DS's bedtime, and he has stuck to it ever since then.
Arguments do not always lead to divorce. Sometimes arguments are just a good way to "take out the trash" in your relationship. Argue with your hubs once in awhile and let him know who's boss.
Sometimes not only are arguments a good way to ensure you don't divorce because you hash stuff out.
It also stops you murdering your husband in his sleep from years of pent up resentment and frustration.