Sex & Romance
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lazy lover
I still consider my husband and I to be newlyweds-we've been married for a little less than two years, which makes this situation exponentially frustrating. In a nutshell, our premarital sex life was amazing and issue free (even though I was diagnosed with PCOS during this time). Shortly after we were married there was a great deal of relationship discord and I was diagnosed with vaginismus. After that, our sex life just hasn't been the same. I can count the number of times we've had sex as a married couple on two hands-and it's devastating to me. I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I give my husband some credit for being patient, but now I feel that he is just being selfish. Between the PCOS, my birth control and vaginismus issues, I mostly deal with lack of lubrication and pain. He has become so frustrated with actually trying to give me adequate foreplay that for awhile now, that instead of working at it as a couple to be together, he would rather me just perform oral. I have continually told him what I need, and it just isn't being addressed. I hate to deny oral as if I'm trying to punish a child, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel if he can't talk and compromise with me, what's the point? I know I've made a lot of mistakes within the relationship, it isn't perfect, but I'm just looking for input. Are there any women out there that have a lazy lover for a partner?
Re: lazy lover
I love how men think that YOU giving THEM oral always fixes the problem...
If you want a sex life still, I would suggest getting some lube & a sexy outfit. Obviously, you need some foreplay to get you in the mood so, well, get in the mood!! Go to like Lovers or Victoria Secret.
Don't make it about sex, make it about fun!!
Good Luck!!
Besides being lazy, its sounds more like he's selfish and pretty much over your sexual health issues. This is a problem. It sounds as if he's given up on trying to be supportive and patient with your sexual issues and has resorted to just getting off.
I know the 'therapy' line can get really old and redundant on these boards, but I would suggest that as a next step. Provided you are doing all you can to try and get help and correct this issue, he should be supportive and patient enough to work with what you need instead of only focusing on his sexual satisfaction.
I apologize for my lack of knowledge of vaginismus, but does it hurt to masturbate? Sex doesn't always have to be vaginal--your H could use his fingers on you, or kiss/fondle you while you masturbate, or *GASP* give YOU oral.
Vaginismus in a nutshell is basically involuntary vaginal tightening which makes it impossible or near impossible to have penetration-if penetration is achieved, results in painful intercourse. At times masturbation can be uncomfortable, but that's the only way I can achieve any sort of sexual satisfaction these days. I hate to throw DH under the bus, but I do feel that he is being selfish because he didn't want me to follow doctor's orders on treatment for the vaginismus (gradually stretching myself with dilators or a vibrator) and he's very much against masturbation; yet, he feels the only need to use his fingers or give me oral is for him to penetrate-and that stimulation is less than five minutes
It is very frustrating that I would have to conceal my medical aides to get myself better, rather than us working on the issue as a couple. Therapy has not worked. He is a very understanding and patient person in session, but when it comes down to implementing a compromise, it's a completely different story.
" I hate to throw DH under the bus, but I do feel that he is being selfish because he didn't want me to follow doctor's orders on treatment for the vaginismus (gradually stretching myself with dilators or a vibrator) and he's very much against masturbation;"
Wait, what?! Oh hell no. He's not just a lazy lover - he's a controlling ass, too. I'd be rethinking the whole marriage if I were you.
Um... so... let me make sure I got this right. Your doctor prescribed a course of treatment so your medical condition can get better. Your H forbids you from following doctors orders because of he is against it.
So, he's basically against your getting better.
Nice husband you have there. Whatadouche.
Let me help you here. You need two websites... yellowpages to look up "divorce attorney" and adam and eve so you can buy yourself some gear so you can get better.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I don't know much about vaginismus but I'm inclined to think in this case it can also be called, I have a hard time getting wet for the douche I married.
Click me, click me!
So he's against masturbation, against the doctor's treatment for your medical condition, won't help you out in bed, and expects you to give him bjs whenever he wants.
It sounds like he doesn't give two sh*ts about YOUR sexual satisfaction (or your health!).
What kind of first class ass is he??? PCOS is a chronic illness ---- and as for masturbation and he's against it...
I guess he's the only guy on earth who also hasn't gotten himself off.
He's truly a work of art beyond compare.
I can't figure out what you want with this guy.
I'd sit him down and read him the riot act, for one. He's got to understand you have a medical problem and he has to work with you to make sure your sex life is sastisfactory and it's one that satisfies you.
In fact, I'd make that contingent upon the continuation of the marriage.
For two, I'd see another doc -- get a full checkup -- you may also have another problem that's not permitting you to lube up enough; it may or may not have to do with the PCOS. (see another endo; I don't think the endo you have now is doing you a lot of good)
wow what an a** your husband is.
not that it matters, but has he ever given you a reason as to why he is against what your doctor advised as the course of treatment?
I also think he's more than a little nutso. Suppose you were a diabetic? Would he be against insulin, too?
Yep, no wonder that sh*t is clenched down tight!
And OP, even if you do follow your doctor's orders, against your H's "orders", how on earth could you ever want to be intimate with him when he's against you getting yourself well? Why would you want to be intimate with someone who's only worried about getting his rocks off and has made it damn clear that he's not interested in getting YOU off, but that YOU aren't allowed to get yourself off, either?
The fact that he's good and supportive in therapy and then when you're home, does jack sh*t, tells me, too (on top of the other things) that he's a manipulator. He's putting on the show so that your counselor thinks it couldn't possibly be. And *this* is precisely how abuse starts - the abuser charms everyone around the abusee so that she thinks she's nuts for thinking the things she does because everyone else loves the guy.
probs. god forbid they have children together... the next thing she knows he'll be totally against vaccinating their kids and encourage her to go the free-birthing route.....
Worked for me too.
Seriously, it's a good thing your vag is protesting against your douchbag of a husband though...no need to bring babies into this mess. Take heed from your vag and kick your H out!
He'd probably be okay with the kiddoes watching as much tv as the want, too -- and when it's time for school, who needs homework? He'll be of the belief kids don't need to do that, also.
The only real reason I was given about his disapproval of the treatment is because to him, masturbation is 'gross.' Initially, he said he would be the one to help me get better by stretching with his fingers instead of the dilators, but that never happened and he always expects to just give me a lick or two and to me be all wet and ready. Sorry for the TMI-but that's how it is. Sure, our sex life was way better before, but that was at a time when lubrication wasn't an issue and he was actually trying-above all, I felt understood and connected.
I know the treatment works better if I do it myself, but as frustrated as I am, I'm not motivated to 'get better' if (let's be honest) I don't feel like being intimate with a person who isn't considerate of my needs-and I can't be intimate with anyone else. Outside of the bedroom, he is pretty controlling and can be mean and negative which could also be another reason the pipes are broken. My husband is the only person I've had sex with so I suppose that can explain some things. I have thought that this is definitely grounds for divorce, simply based on the controlling factor-and with the inability to compromise, especially since we're basically roommates.
I think this is the most important part of your sexual issues. It's not even the actual sex. It's the controlling, unsupportive, stubborn and selfish husband. Until those issues are fixed, the bedroom issues will remain the status quo.
So, yes, this is divorce worthy. Or in the very least therapy worthy.
haha which reminds me- this guy sounds like a perfect candidate for the latest "parenting fad" .... go google the "taking children seriously" parenting philosophy. your eyes will roll right out of your head!
good god. you deserve so much better.
he is totally throwing your needs by the wayside. intimacy is so important in a relationship and he's basically giving you the big ole middle finger.
I am not shocked that he's a controlling guy outside the bedroom, since he apparently thinks he owns your body and gets the say in how/if you treat medical problems.
Ditch the dud. You'll be amazed at how great sex is with someone you don't secretly kind of hate.
I'm sorry WHAT?!?!? This literally makes me sick to my stomach.
I have had vaginismus issues for years now and dilators have beena lifesaver. 1st of all, using a dilator is NOT masturbating (and "it's gross" is the most nonsensical reason for not being okay with masturbating anyway). Also, it is your body and he has absolutely no right to tell you you can't use a dilator to help with your pain. If anyone I was dating expected me to stop using dilators now I would laugh in their face.
Vaginismus and other chronic pain issues often have psychological issues going along with them and the fact that your H is a complete douche is probably a huge reason why your body is literally rejecting him. DTMFA. This is absolutely grounds for divorce. He is a controlling @ss with complete disregard to your feelings and health.