Advice Please

WrappedinClover

I need some opinions. Long story very short, my mom is dying, she has been through alot, I have posted briefly on her troubles prior. The issue I need help on is I have been trying to keep my brother and his wife and kids in the loop, because they live in Colorado, and my parents and I in Virginia. We have had some rifts in the family before because my brother tends to blame others for his issues with his wife, but it been awhile since we fed that drama (years).

Well, over the last four years my mom has been ran over by a truck, has thyroid cancer twice, and now has congestive heart failure and renal failure. Just this week we found out she has tested positive for colon cancer and she was also told her renal failure is stage 4. I had been trying to give this information to my brother even though he hasn't shown the least ounce of interest, but with this new information I haven't shared yet. I guess I am tired of being so heart broken about this and sharing it, and my brother not caring. Instead I get responses of, I still havent forgiven her for moving us to Colorado when i was 17, or she sent me an email that was just too much. Seriously?! She is dying, who the fvck cares about that stuff anymore.

My question is, would you keep trying to inform someone who acts with such callousness, because one of us needs to be grown up? Or would you just stop?

chiualover

A very close friend of mine went through this. Trust me,  just stop.

 Worry about you and you mom. You've contacted him, you did your duty.

And I am very sorry you are going through all of this.

sapphireblue

Well, I think what I would do is just communicate updates to him through email. Maybe you could create an email list of friends/neighbors/family who know your mother and would appreciate the updates. 

Then he is still being informed but you won't have to hear his comments or gauge his lack of interest.

His complaining about her could be a form of denial of how sick she really is (?). I don't know him so that's just a theory that could be totally off base.

I'm sorry about your mother... 

WrappedinClover

Thank you both for the responses, and this is exactly why I am so torn up, because I have the same arguments with myself.

I really wish it was a form of denial for him. He was like this even before she got sick. He has just carried it over to now. He really peeves me. He kept telling me he was going to come out the last time she was in the hospital and he never showed, or called. *sighs* I would like to think he still cares, but his actions show he is more selfish than I ever realized.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Sue_sue

I'd keep him informed by email of important updates. I would not get into a huge hassle over the phone with him about anything.

He's entitled to feel how  he feels about your mom; and of course he's in denial over how this will all feel when she does pass away.  But you know if you don't tell him stuff, he'll beat you up with not telling him after she goes, so don't give him the opportunity. Tell him by email, and keep the updates short and to the point.

I'm really sorry about your mom.

WrappedinClover

Sue_Sue - Thank you so much, I had thought of that, and had wondered. I appreciate the help.

ChavayJakov

I'd have as calm a talk with him as I possibly could.  I would tell him that you appreciate that he's carrying around baggage and that while you don't get all of it, you are in a place where you yourself need this time to say good-bye to your mother and be at peace with where you and she are...and that anything that has bothered you, you are forgiving/releasing, and the things that are to be celebrated are warmly being regarded right now while there is still time.  Follow this with how difficult this is for you when listening to him vent...and suggest that he either take the opportunity to speak with your mother now while there is still time (I did this with my grandmother before she died.  I don't know what your mother and your brother went through exactly, but yes, sometimes things are still issues and should be dealt with and *can* happen with positive outcomes for both parties).  Then tell him that you are setting up a private e-loop or facebook page or something to do the further communication so things can be shared as they happen but without having to pick up a phone to hear things which hurt your heart and obviously bring up negatives for himself.

moonfrogx

Why not create a Caringbridge.com site?  That way you can write up the updates when you have time, and people who sign up for the site get the information when they want it.

 It's free, and a stressless way for you to do updates.  Just set it up, make a post, and then send an email to all the family/friends that want updates on her condition, and they can sign up for email alerts when there are updates to the blog site.

 If he chooses to not visit the site for updates, then it's on him. 

doglove

Sorry about your mom. I think you've gotten some good advice.

alithebride

first i'm so sorry you're going through this

second-seeing how yur brother reacts i'd flat out ask him 'do you want me to update you about mom?' and see what he says.  if he responds in a way like the ones you mentioned i'd email him back and say 'i have nothing to do with those issues. i will update you on mom's health but i need you to keept hose comments to yourself'

WrappedinClover

Thank you all very much for the ideas, I do think the caringbridge site would likely be the best, and be less heartache for me because I wont hear how much he doesn't care. Also thank you all for the sympathy, I do appreciate it.

vjcjenn1

So him and your mom don't speak...

can you email him with updated and tell hiim the reason you are emailing him is because you want to keep him informed but the find the phone calls difficult because of his response

OR next time you update him and he gives that response, ask him "do you even want to hear from me about mom" if he says yes tell him you expect him to stop making such comment...if he says no, tell him to call you if has any questions 

livinitup

I would secure permission from your mother for her doctor/nurse to share information with her son.Then, I would give the doctor's contact information to your brother and encourage him to call whenever he wants.

If you feel like there is something he should know - shoot off an email saying mom is better/worse and he should call the doctor for an update or report. Keep it simple and short.

Informing him of her medical condition is not your job. It falls to her doctor, when given permission. Some do it better than others, but it still is within the perview of your mother's care staff.

Make sure he doesn't have permission to direct medical care or permission, but leave it to HIM to contact her doctor is he wants info. Or not, if he doesn't.