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Need advice!
Good evening (sorry this is long!),
I'm hoping to get some objective perspective on these boards. My husband and I were married in May and we are doing great. We are from Ohio, but moved to Virginia for his job which he loves and is a great opportunity. I have an okay job, don't love it, but don't hate it.
My dad still lives in Ohio (mom passed away when I was in my teens) and his health is declining. He has COPD and it is to the point where he gets out of breath walking anywhere and uses oxygen 24/7. He currently lives alone, and my sister lives nearby and checks in after work everyday. I don't think he should be living alone at all, but he gets really upset whenever I mention him moving so I've dropped the idea. He has lived in the house for 30 years and it is still decorated just the way my mom had it. I've always been very close to my dad and we talk almost every evening and miss him dearly.
Ever since I visited him in October I just get upset and depressed every time I think about his health and my not being able to visit often. I feel guilty I'm not there, but there is also a part of me that is afraid that he doesn't have a lot of time left and that I'm missing out on precious time with him. On the other hand, I'm happily married and would also like to put my energy towards my new family (my husband) and our life together. My husband is very supportive and knows that I want (mentally need!) to travel back to Ohio once a month to visit but the constant worry and travel is beginning to drain me...
It is also getting harder and harder to find time to travel to Ohio with work and I'm getting to the point where I dread going to work now because I take care of people all day long (nurse) and I think it has something to do with deep down I wish I were taking care of my dad. I used to love my job, and I just don't feel that way anymore. I've considered quitting so that I can go back to Ohio for a few weeks at a time, but that seems like an irresponsible things for an adult to do as well. In fact, I feel like a bum even considering that but I know that is what would make me happy. I just also worry that my trying to take care of an elderly parent will get in the way of my marriage and I obviously don't want that to happen either. My husband and I really want to start our own family at some point. My husband would love kids now, as would I, but I'm afraid that additional stress would kill me.
I guess my question is.... has anyone else dealt with your own family (husband, kids) and also tried to balance taking care of an aging parent and work? I just feel overwhelmed and it just seems like no matter what I do I'm not happy.
Thanks in advance...
Re: Need advice!
Get into some counselling, pretty quick. You're feeling guilty for not being there, which is understandable but not reasonable; you're worried and apprehensive over your father's health and condition, which is not helpful in the slightest, and you're wearing down yourself and your marriage, which is pointless. And, none of this helps your father or your relationship with him.
Your father is ill, and isn't going to get better, but he's not going to drop dead tomorrow,either. People live for years with COPD. His illness would be the same if you were there, or in Paris, or wherever. My stepmom has this, and is on oxygen 24/7, and is doing ok, but has to be careful of her health, and I'm sure your dad does too. But you're beating yourself up because you're not there to what? Anxiously watch his breathing? And you're letting this affect your marriage and your job? I can't believe your dad would be happy if he knew this, or your mom for that matter. Counselling, and quick.
Start thinking of what you CAN do, and view that as positively as you can. A long expensive trip every month really isn't doable, as you're finding out. But your sister could use help, I am sure. Have you been able to talk with her about what it is your dad has to have help with, and what it is you can do to contribute to that, rather than just coming and sitting fretfully once a month? Stop stewing and start planning.
If you can, talk with your sister and figure out what it is your dad needs help with, and pay to have that done. Laundry? A pick up and drop off service is less than a hundred a month for one person. Lawn care? Less than a hundred a month in the summer; and the same people can shovel the drive and walk in the winter. Housekeeping in twice a month? Under a hundred a month. This kind of thing can really help, can take a huge load off your sister, leave your dad feeling independent (people with COPD can live perfectly well on their own with a bit of help) and leave you feeling more useful and less guilty.
And prepare yourself. Your dad IS ill, and one of these days he is going to pass, probably from complications of this disease. You need to think about him as who he is, a grown man with an illness that does not define him, and enjoy your relationship with him now, instead of ruining what time you do have left with him, however long it is, with your worries and fears. Do what you can; and quit beating yourself up for what you cannot do, and enjoy your married life. This would be a nice tribute to your parents.
This is great advice.
A social worker is a good resource, too -- he or she will have some insight/advice for you.
And if you are spiritual,. see your clergyperson. It helps a lot.
Finding people who will shovel the snow, rake the leaves and do other outside work will help your sis, too -- there are still kids who like to shovel snow int he winter and pick up a few extra bucks.
What about a companion who can stay with your dad for the day?
Has your dad been to pulmonary rehab? While it doesn't change thecourse of the disease, it can teach increase his endurance and teach him better ways to do some things so he doesn't get too short of breath.
You can also write a letter to his doctor and mention that your father may be approaching the time when he can no longer live alone. Sometimes hearing it from a professional is better than hearing from your children.
Oh, and if you think he's not eating weel, you can contact Meals on Wheels.
There's a lot of good resources at this site-
http://www.caps4caregivers.org/