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Last night was difficult
I posted yesterday about getting an amount from CS due to a garnishment on XH's account. He owes over $10K in back child support and this is only the second time I had gotten anything from a bank account lien.
It was bad timing in a way because XH had his supervised visitation last night. He showed up and was angry about the money being taken from his accounts and looking to blame me. After P went to sleep he tried to talk to me about it and kept raising his voice at me. I asked him calmly to leave because I was done talking about it. He was trying to get me to agree to waive the back support he owes and threatened to not pay exisiting support obligations going forward if I didn't waive the back support. I told him that he needed to talk to child support services because it wasn't between him and I.
Anyways, long story short he finally left but I was very shaken up. I am not going to waive the support that he didn't pay for an entire year, even if he does end up following through with his threats and quits paying his current support. It's a matter of principles and doing the right thing and I will stand my ground.
Still it was a very difficult incident because I hadn't had anyone raise their voice to me since he split. I was surprised at how upset I got and barely slept last night. My hands were shaking and every noise woke me up. I am contemplating texting him and telling him that if he ever pulls that BS again that I will file a motion with the court to make him have a professional supervisor instead of myself monitoring the visits. I know that I shouldn't have to put up with that sort of abuse.
Anyways, I just had to get that off my chest. I'm exhausted today and trying to get out of this funk that I am now in. Happy early Thanksgiving to you ladies!
Re: Last night was difficult
Sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you did the right thing by asking him to leave, and telling him it wasnt between you and him.
In the meantime, do not text him. I would look into filing that court motion, and get all the necessary forms so that you have them. Keep a log of everytime he does something like this. Be sure to note the date, time, and everything that happened and what was said.
((hugs)) Hang in there
Oh gosh! I am glad you're okay.
I like the idea of a professional supervisor.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Lurker here, I would contact the courts and go ahead get a professional to handle the visits. If you can blew up like this to you then he will do the same with your son, I been lurking for a while, I know you will do anything to protect your child.
Just the fact you were shaking, couldn't sleep, and was scared shows that this is not good and whatever he was doing left a lasting effect on you. I am sorry you had to go through this.
Back to lurking.
Wow I'm sorry to hear that he did that to you. It's very discouraging to see that he hasn't changed at all.
My ex recently tried to pull the same crap with CS. He said "If you don't want me to see my kid anymore I won't pay. You should RESPECT me because I pay and that's more than some fathers do." Yes, he said I should respect him. I find it hard to respect someone who figured doing drugs was way cooler than being around his pregnant gf and DS once he was born. Keep in mind all this stemmed from me asking him to acknowledge when I tell him something about DS. I never once brought up CS.
It's really too bad that he can't get it through his thick skull that it's HIS fvck up not paying resulting in the levy being taken and HIS obligation to continue to do so.
I would seriously consider using someone else to supervise the visitation. There is no way I would let that priick make you feel uneasy like that.
Wow, I am sorry you went through that!
DO NOT TEXT HIM!!! If you do, he will know that what he did bothers you. Don't give him that power. You don't need to make a threat and you don't owe him a "warning." He knows what he did was unacceptible, and he would probably not act the same way with a boss or someone he wanted a good relationship with.
If he stops paying his current support, you can always have his current payments taken straight out of his paycheck as well. In a way, that protects everyone. It protects him, b/c there is a record of his payments, and it protects you.
I would strongly consider asking for a professional supervisor anyway. I also think that arrangement protects both of you. You don't need to give your ex "one more chance" to behave like a person and not an animal! I'm not sure if your ex saves money or "face" by having a professional supervisor, or if it is just more convenient, but YOU are absorbing the cost if you are shaking and can't sleep.
And, if he talks like that to you again or doesn't leave when he is asked, I would not hesitate to call the police. It's their job to keep you safe and secure in your home.
Please remember that you don't owe your ex any favors!!! You need to look out for your child and yourself. He is a big boy. He can handle child support payments, supervision by a professional, etc.
I feel like its a control thing - yeah he wants something from you, but he likes seeing you get upset. My ex does this to me too...he comes into my house and starts fights with me. I left our house because I was sick of feeling intimidated all the time, don't come over and make me feel uncomfortable in MY house.
I don't really have any good advice for you except to say that I stopped having any kind of conversation with him that I know will go down that road. I just have to tell him - no I'm not talking about that. Usually and probably for most people its the same argument we've have 1000 times so why would it be resolved this time?
Ditto SueBear. From my experience, adding fuel to the flames by texting is only going to make things worse and get you more upset.
I would file the papers for a professional supervisor anyway. You don't need to give him a warning--I hear that from my XH too (how was I supposed to know you were going to leave me if I didn't stop using, you didn't TELL me). Just do it, the power is in your hands.
If he stops making payments then his wages can be garnished right? You need to protect yourself and P from him. ((hugs...and cocktails))
He's a douche and I hate him for you.
I'm sorry he freaked out on you and got you upset. Maybe if he had paid into CS instead of buying a $60k truck, he'd still have money in that bank account!
I'm sorry he upset you so much.
I would definitely look into getting a professional supervisor. I wouldn't feel comfortable having him in my house if he was threatening.
You have no obligation to waive back support. It's money that he owes because he preivously decided not to pay. It finally caught up with him and now he's paying the price, so he's mad. But none of this is your fault. I'm pretty sure he's self-employed and you said his wages can't be garnished which sucks. But, obviously and lucky for you, his bank account can. So if he stops paying current support then it'll be more money owed to you and you'll eventually get it one way or another.
I agree with everyone else. Go ahead and do what you need to do to get a professional supervisor. It's always going to come back to him bullying and intimidating you. That's who he is and that's how he operates. You don't need to give him any warnings or give him another chance. He's had plenty of chances and blown them all.
I'm sorry, sweetie, but you so did the right thing. I have learned that people raise their voice and act nutty in situations like that when they know they are in the wrong. It's like they think if they sound assertive and act like they know what they are talking about, you will start to fear them or believe them.
Stay strong, A. You've come too far not to
Sorry you had a bad night.
Don't text him. Let the lawyers and appropriate people handle this.
Keep communication to a minimum with him.
That sucks. I do agree with everything you have said here though. You don't have to deal with that at all.
Happy Turkey Day to you!
Even if he stops paying current child support, won't those amounts then be added to "back support"? I'm not sure how that works and I'm curious.
Either way, I do think that getting a professional supervisor might be in everyone's best interest. I know you have posted a lot about your ex wanting to get back together with you. With that, coupled with this recent freak-out, I would be looking into a professional to do the supervising. It's only adding stress to an already stressful situation.
Yes, it's added back in. He was making some claim that he could be having CS waived right now while he's in "rehab" or something to that effect. It's a one year program and he's been out of the in-patient part since June so I don't know how much water (if any) that theory would hold.
Bottom line is, I shouldn't be having to put up with any of that. He really shouldn't be communicating with my about anything during his visitation. That time is for him and his son.