Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Boyfriend's work is causing major issues
I meant to write a bad partner, sorry for the typo.
I have never been engaged first of all. And yes he was 18 when we started dating and I was 20. We met while I was travelling and started out as friends but then when we saw that we had alot in common we decided to pursue a relationship. And just because I get pissed about something doesn't mean I'm not happy all around. No relationship is perfect and I was just venting as I stated in my original post. It does make me mad, how he lets his uncle get away with the way he treats him sometimes, but it's not a dealbreaker for me because I know that this job is temporary. I'm not trying to change him, I love him for who he is. I'm sorry it's a crime to have a bad day on this message board. I'm not desperate to be married whatsoever, if I was I would've been married by now.
Very doubtful since I don't want kids right now and neither does he. If I get pregnant it will not be by choice and it'll be because my birth control failed. I don't regret any of the things I've done in my life and hopefully I never will, but since the future is uncertain I can't say for sure what tomorrow or the next 30 years will bring.
Okay, so if he continues to put work ahead of you ... like he's been doing all along ... and you get married and have kids and he continues to put work ahead of you and the kids, because he's set the precendent, you're going to be okay with it? Whether it's this job or a different one, you're saying you're perfectly okay with coming in last? Because that's the life you are willingly signing up for. And because you know what you're signing up for, yes, that does mean you lose the right to complain about it.
Thank you for the well thought out reply MKESweetie and I get what your saying. The thing is my boyfriend is not a workaholic. He likes working to support himself and me, but his life does not revolve around it. I'm sorry if you and others are getting that impression of that's who he is, when in reality it's not. We're going to Jamaica for two weeks in either March or May of next year because my boyfriend wants us to go on a vacation where he can cut off the world and it can be just the two of us. And he came up with this idea on his own, so does that sound like a workaholic to you? Nope, don't think so. In an ideal world my boyfriend wants to own a few rental properties and retire young like one of his friends did when he retired as a millionaire at the age of 26. That takes hard work though and that's what my boyfriend is, a hardworker. One of the qualities I love about him. So yes he works a ton now and yes I hate it sometimes, but he's doing it so we can have a better future. And what does that future look like for us?
Well it's me being a stay at home mom for a few years since we both are adamantly against putting our kids in daycare. Him working a regular 9 to 5 job where he has a set schedule and can have time off to work on the house, spend time with his family, and yet have the money to give his children and me the lifestyle we are accustomed to already. That will take time to build and I'm willing to wait for all of that to come to fruitation. But we want to do it the right way and my boyfriend has valid reasons for continuing to work for the time being. I don't expect anyone here to say "ok this girl is right" or "maybe she knows what she's doing" because of my age, my boyfriend's age, and the fact that you don't know me. But I came here to vent, not be judged and mocked. I am happy, my boyfriend is happy, but sometimes we have a day where the world seems like everything is going wrong. When I posted this was one of those days and maybe my overdramatic tone made it seem worse than it is, I don't know. But as I said before, thank you for the replies, but everything everyone here has written is something I've already thought long and hard about.
He is the man I want to marry. He is the man I want to father my children. And he is the greatest partner I've ever had the pleasure of being with. I'm not going to cast him aside because we're going through a tough spot because when you love someone you persevere through both good times and bad times.
When we get to the point where our future together is no longer somewhat uncertain due to my status in his country and he keeps putting off school, I will leave him and there will be no wedding or children. He doesn't even want kids until he gets a different job with less hours because he wants to put our family first. And he does put me first. If I need him, he is there for me no matter what. Maybe if you knew me in person you would know this.
How is it hilarious? His friend worked his ass off and built up his own company and was able to retire early. I'm not backpeddling or lying, but we don't live in the USA and things here are a bit different. I'm just saying I wanted to vent and somehow my vent turned into a debate on how "you and him are too young to be thinking about planning for the future".
You aren't too young to be thinking about the future, but you DO need to realize that in a few years, you're likely not going to want the future you planned at all. Just don't rush things, don't assume that because you're together now, you HAVE to be together later. You say you were just ranting and this isn't a big deal, but it sounds like a pretty big deal. It seems to be interrupting your life enough that you need to rethink things. And I have a hard time believing that you really would leave him if he didn't do what you wanted, because you're so wrapped up in having a baby within the next 8 years that I think you'll put up with whatever so you don't have to start the dating/engagement/marriage process over, just in case you run out of time.
Because, you know, all of your eggs shrivel up and die after the age of 30.
Nobody here is mocking you, and trust me when I tell you that for everything you have posted here the responses you are getting are very, very tame.
People are advising you to look closely at this relationship because a lot of what you've said throws up red flags for those that have been in long term relationships before.
You posted here a long, long vent about your (relatively) young BF working too much, and your concerns about the impact that will have a on a marriage and children. And yes - those are legitimate concerns. But your attitude of, "Hey! It's all good, this is now and things are totally going to change in the future!" is somewhat laughable.
And as for this:
Yes - yes that is true. However, the whole purpose of dating is to determine if a relationship is solid enough to last forever. Do you think that everybody marries the first person they fall in love with? Do you think that anybody that doesn't just bails out on love because they're not tough enough to "persevere" in bad times?
The answer, of course, should be no.
When you're married you stick it out, and persevere (up until the point you can't anymore, but that's for a different post). When you're dating, you take the tough times as a glimpse into the future and you think, "Ok. This. Right here. This tough part. Can I live like this forever?"
To me, it's not your age that points to immaturity, it is your unwillingness to actually hear any of the really good advice/thoughts you've been handed in this post. Instead you want to be all, "You don't know me, you don't know my life, you don't know my BF. Everything is totally fine! I can't explain every thing! WE ARE PERFECT AND GOING TO LAST FOREVER!"
It takes real maturity to scrutinize your own relationship, and I haven't seen you do that here at all.
I know our relationship isn't perfect, no relationship is. I hear the advice and everything but I didn't ask for a therapy session. I have scrutinized my relationship before and continue to do so so that I know that I'm making the right decision. Unfortunately I have a slight problem in that I overthink everything and overanalyze everything to the point where I talk myself out of doing things, like going to college for example. Something I almost missed out on doing because I was too busy telling myself all the cons of doing so once I started thinking about it. I freak out way too easily and it's a problem I've had since I was a kid, but that's for another post. The thing is everything everyone on here has said is something I've already thought about and talked to my parents about since I trust their advice over anyone else's. I do think we have a solid relationship, but that this is something that's happening now and it bothers me a bit. One of the things I love about my boyfriend is that when something bothers me I can talk to him about it like I did after I posted this thread. We talk things out and he tells me how he feels and I tell him how I feel and we come to a decision based on what we've talked about.
Also I would leave him if things didn't work out the way I wanted my life to be headed in. And if we did I'd probably go back to wanting to be single and childless again, unless I found someone who I thought was worthy to be a father to my potential future children and a great husband. I don't care about getting married if I'm not with someone worth marrying, or about having kids. I have a nephew who I love and can dote on, and I can date for the rest of my life and be fine. But I did find someone who I love and want to be the father of my kids and my husband. And we both want to start trying for children before I'm 30. So that's that.
My mom told me this exact thing a year ago when I first thought about moving to be with my boyfriend. I listened to her and I think this is great advice. I was ranting, and yes this would be a big deal if it continued forever because it would mean the end of my boyfriend and I's relationship. But because it won't, or at least I hope it won't, it's just something I have to deal with now. I think my tone is making it seem like I don't care and I'm just sweeping it under the rug, but I do care. I cared enough to sit my boyfriend down and talk to him about it. If I'm not married by 30, I won't have children, and since I know I can be happy without them, that doesn't bother me. It's a personal choice I made awhile ago to do and maybe I'll change my mind, who knows. I just don't want kids after 30, not because I think my eggs will shrivel up but because I just don't want kids after that age due to complications that may occur and my family's health history with having children after 30.
Maybe things are different in the far out country that is Canada, but how do you or your boyfriend expect for him to get a terrific 9-5 job that will provide a super comfortable life for his SAH wife and kids when he won't (for whatever reason) get himself enrolled in college? You keep saying that he will, but that's what everyone here is trying in vain to tell you - stop planning your life on what you *hope* will happen, because you could likely be setting yourself up for major disappointment. Right now he's not in school and is working a job that requires very long hours. He's tied to his uncle. What (besides his words) leads you to believe that he's going to quit on his uncle and then march down to the nearest university anytime soon?
I hear they have flying cars in the exotic country that is Canada; is that true?
And why aren't you in school? It could be 7 years and 3 months before you get pregnant with your 30 or Bust timeline child; what are you doing to better yourself in the meantime? Why is it all on The Man?
Suppose you do break up with this one when you realize he's not ready for marriage or interested in going to college and you do end up staying single and childless; what are you planning to do when that happens?
I think the chances of your boyfriend actually taking that two week vacation in Jamaica with you next spring are slim-to-none. When your boyfriend bails on your plans because Uncle tugs on the golden leash, think of me.
And perhaps then you will realize that we are not just silly women who are trying to piss on all of your big plans.
I've typed and retyped this about 15 times, and I don't think it will make a difference anyway.
OP, I hope you believe all of your follow up. Your SO does sound like a good person. Is he the right person for you? Not based on your OP. I just hope that you really do wait on the kids.
I'd be interested in this answer too.
I understand being 22 and wanting kids before 30. I think she's just young, and uninformed about the "dangers" of having children after 30.
Everything (just about) that she's posted has indicated a lack of maturity; the whole, "I want kids by 30 and if I turn 30 w/o them I'll just never happen and that will be A-OK too!" is like so much else - just saying the things she is desperate to believe.
I can understand being frustrated that you feel like he's being taken advantage of and not necessarily making progress career or education wise. What keeps tripping me up is the focus on making yourself seem older or more mature, on how mature he is, on your financial future and on having kids before 30. You're rushing things and so focus on having the grown up life that you're missing out on the fun and experiences you're supposed to be having at 22 so you can be grown up at 30. If he doesn't resolve the job/school issue within the next few years sure, be annoyed, but he is a kid too and is still trying to sort stuff out. You are not his Mom and you should not be telling him what he has to do.
DH and I were together when we were your BF's age. The reason we're still together and happily married 8 years later is due to the fact that we focused on school first, acted our age, had fun and grew as individuals while dating at the same time. DH also used to have a job where he worked 4 pm-midnight and worked on weekends. We didn't see each other much and some of the people he worked for were jerks, but I never would have TOLD him he needed to get a different job. It was up to him to figure out what made him happy and pursue it and I absolutely never wanted to be his Mom, boss him around, or make decisions for him. That's how people grow to resent one another.
To me it sounds like you moved to a foreign country for a job that is not 100% stable to be with him, without having dated all that long, and are now trying to make your life fit this perfect mold in your head. I bet $ part of the reason you're so annoyed by his schedule is the fact that you haven't been doing a whole lot fo other things or making a lot of your own friends.
Well then. Good to know that you have everything figured out.
Honestly, I think I know one couple under thirty with kids, and they're 28 and had their first a month ago. They're the YOUNG parents in my group of friends. Everyone else had them after 30, and none of them had any problems. My old boss had her first one at 42. My aunt had her last one at 40. Those kids are good too, and there weren't any pregnancy complications.
I'm not saying that nobody who has children over 30 have complications, because that's obviously not true. But saying, "I refuse to have kids after 30 because maybe something could go wrong but I really have no idea" is kind of ridiculous. It's like when my sister had two miscarriages and thus decided that she couldn't get pregnant again. And then she got had my niece.
It's okay to want kids at a certain age, or not want them at all, or whatever. But it's silly to have such a strict age limit, especially one that's so low. Saying you refuse to have kids after 40, sure. Even 35, I guess. But 30? That's just so young to me. It's like the age that people START having kids, not the age that they finish.