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Estranged from my dad. Am I being set up by my sister?
Longish backstory: My dad was never around much when I was a child. He always had some excuse as to why he couldn't be at home and that left my 5 siblings and myself feel like we didn't even have a dad. My mom did the best she could, but she's bipolar and has resentment issues towards my dad, so home life was pretty rough. This mostly affected my 2 older sisters, my younger sister and myself. There was a gap between my younger sister and youngest sister.
My youngest sister is the one I think is setting me up. There is an 8 year age gap between us, and by the time she reached elementary age things were falling apart between my parents. I moved out after I graduated high school during the divorce, and at the same time my mom took my little sister and brother to Chicago and married my stepdad.
My dad remarried a year later to a woman I can only describe as crazy. She thinks she is a profit sent by god to roam the Earth- among other craziness. My parents shared custody of my youngest sister and brother, and they would come down for a month every summer. My brother and sister would always end up spending about a week with me at my apartment, and I got to hear how badly my dad and stepmom treated them. Nothing abusive, but it was very clear to them even at a young age that my dad's new stepkids where favored over them. It broke my heart to see how disenchanted my siblings had become. It was like the cycle of my childhood was being repeated with them.
I made the decision after that to cut my dad out of my life. He really hurt me with everything that he did (or didn't do) during my childhood, and it pushed me over the edge to see him doing these things to my siblings. He was also doing other incredibly shady and mean spirited things to other family members. To make things worse, before I cut off contact I called and asked him if he had any regrets about how my childhood went and about the way things were going in his life, and he said he didn't. He told me that he had nothing to apologize for and that my issues with my childhood were as a result of my actions and nothing that he did. That was it. I stopped contact at that point. That was 13 years ago, and I have only seen him twice since, both times at family funerals with no communication involved.
Fast forward to the present. I have really been working on my relationship with my youngest sister over the past 2 years. We've become really close, and I feel like we have a great relationship. She checked with me a month ago to set the date for her daughter's first birthday party because she said she really wanted to make sure I would be there. I found out from my mom last week that my dad and stepmom will be there. My sister has said nothing to me about this. She knows that I'm estranged from them and she knows and supposedly agrees with the reasons for the estrangement. I am sick to my stomach because I cannot go tomorrow. I have no desire to see them, so I won't go, but I don't know how to address this with my sister without damaging our relationship. I feel like she's purposely omitting information to try and get us together, but I have no desire to rehash a relationship with them. For the record, I double checked my mom's info on facebook (which I don't get on very often), and my dad and stepmom RSVPd to the party on fb, so I know they will be there and that this is not just hearsay on my mom's part.
Sorry this is so long! I could write volumes about my family drama, but I tried to keep it at vital info. I need to know how to approach my sister with this. I have been avoiding her calls all day because I don't know what to say. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Re: Estranged from my dad. Am I being set up by my sister?
If you don't want to see your dad and stepmom, I would call your sister and say "I have heard through the grapevine that Dad and stepmom are going to be at the party. Is this correct?" If she says yes, they have said that they will attend, then tell her "I am not comfortable being at the party with dad and stepmom and I don't want my drama with them to affect niece's first birthday. Why don't I (come by early in the day and help you set up) or come by a week later and we can all go to the park/zoo/children's museum for a nice afternoon? Less drama, more fun that way!"
I don't think your sister is setting you up. She is just not as far along in the process of cutting toxic people out of her life. She is young enough to believe in the fairy tale ending that everyone is going to be one happy family again. Don't attribute to malice what is purely wishful thinking.
Thank you! I just called her and followed your advice. She was not at all phased by it! I can't really explain other than to say that most of my family members are totally irrational, so I always assume that anything like this will turn into a disagreement. She was so cool about it and said that she would love to get together next weekend instead. Thank goodness she is level headed! I guess the prospect of having to tackle this and possibly hurt her feelings or let her down made me really overthink this.
I've been here with my dad, but me and my dad had a long talk and he apologized to me for not being there during my childhood. He knew he should have a more involved dad but was too busy chasing the mighty dollar and the American dream. But, he apologized. So, we have a good relationship now.
Your sister has the right to invite anyone she wants to the party. She owes no explanations. While not necessary, it would have been nice for her to tell you that they would be there. I invite my dad to some important events in my life and I'm not doing it to try and force a better relationship with my siblings. I do it because he's my dad, we have a good relationship, I want him to be in my life, and I want him there. So, he's not necessarily being invited just to force a relationship on you that you don't want. If you want to go, go, be polite, avoid him, and have fun. If you don't want to go, don't.
Obviously, I never post (mostly lurk), but I wanted to respond to your post. First, I'm not sure how many people are going to be at the party, but if you were able to avoid him at funerals, would it be possible to just do the same here?
Ultimately, the birthday party is about your sister, whom you have grown close to, and her daughter (that I assume you also are close to). You shouldn't let the guest list dictate whether or not you attend. You can be there for her without dealing with your father. Maybe she didn't tell you because it was important to her that you come and she knew you'd bail if you knew he'd be there.
It almost sounds like you do want her to choose between the two of you. Unless I am reading it incorrectly, it looks like you would never have agreed to go if you'd known he would be there. So either she invites you, invites him, or lies to you and invites you both.
If you had said that you just don't get the importance of birthday parties for children who won't remember them and generally wouldn't go, I'd support your decision to just not go, but this birthday isn't about you. So stop avoiding your sister's calls, at least drop by the party to say hello, offer a gift/card/hug to the birthday baby, and avoid your dad if you need to. It doesn't sound like he's very interested in talking to you either, so it shouldn't be hard to do.
After the party is over, maybe next week, you could have a conversation with your sister regarding not appreciating the fact that she didn't tell you he'd be there and that you felt ambushed, but tomorrow isn't the time to start that conversation. And chances are if this party is important to her, you may end up having a rift between you two if you choose not to go and continue to ignore her calls. Honestly, I get why you aren't having contact with your father, but it's a bit childish to ignore your sister's calls.
Hope it all works out.
If you read the follow up, I actually called her back right after the second call I ignored and we talked about everything. I appreciate your post and need to hear the honesty I am getting here. I have zero desire to be anywhere near my dad. Maybe I need counseling, but the thought of having to be in the same room as him makes me nauseous. Like I said in the beginning, there is so much more he has done that I haven't listed here, so he may not sound so bad or you may not be getting the full picture as to why I am so revolted by him. I absolutely do not begrudge my sister the chance to have him at the party, but I think I also have valid reasons to stay away.
I know it does sound like I'm making her pick, but that's not the way I want it to be. I wish I could just get over it and be around him, but I am not in a place right now where I feel I can do that. The last two times I saw him, I was bent out of shape for weeks afterward. I can't do that to my husband or kids. It's not something I can just get over or turn off for the sake of a birthday party. It sucks. And the kicker here is that I got over the lack of having a real father in my life years ago, that's not what makes it so hard. The hard part is having to hear his voice and relive all the crap that he has put all of us through. I feel like I'm 8 years old again and witnessing my parents fight complete with my mom threatening suicide and my dad making it clear that he didn't care.
I know this is a disjointed crazy follow up, but I wanted you to know that I'm not trying to put sister in a position. If I truly wanted to view it that way, I probably wouldn't care so much about how to approach her in a way that will preserve our relationship.
this word for word
Just because they are there doesn't mean you need to restart your relationship. Why can't you just go? Say hello and leave it at that. You don't need to sit by them or spend time with them. How many people do you expect will be at the party. You saw them twice at funerals and avoided speaking to them. At a party I doubt you could avoid them altogether but you could probably get away with not speaking to them much?