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I can't get over it
So there was ANOTHER post in which the OP was freaking out because they wouldn't be able to start their family until they were 30 or older. WHY IS THIS SUCH A PROBLEM?!
DH and I made the decision to be childfree, and I've never really had any desire to have a child, so maybe I just don't get it. But any time we talked about MAYBE having kids, we always knew we'd wait until I was at least 28 before we started trying (DH would be 31). We assumed that by that time, student loans would be paid off, we'd have a house with a low mortgage, good cars, and a decent chunk of savings. Am I wrong in thinking that would make it a lot easier to have a kid than when you're struggling with debt and have no idea where you are in life?
I just don't get it. WHY?!
Re: I can't get over it
Beats me.
Signed,
33 year old who's just not ready yet
Why aren't more late-teens / early 20-somethings more like you?
That's intended to be a compliment.
Signed - 29 year old who just had her first and only child with a 36 year old husband.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Waiting to have children until you are fiscally and emotionally secure when you really, really want them right now is like saving up for a new car while in the company of 16 year-olds whose daddies just gave them new convertibles that they don't maintained and don't really appreciate.
I guess I'm just mature for my age, srs.
Sure, sure, I get that. But these people who say they don't want kids AFTER 30, I really don't get that. I understand it's hard to wait when you really want them and everyone else is having them and all that, but to practically hyperventilate at the thought of having them at 30 or later seems insane to me.
Maybe they?re the type that wants to be the "young, hip mom" or some other clich? they bought into. I worked with a girl who always said that getting married or having kids after 30 was "totally gross". Going by her logic, since I'm 31, single and childfree, I should probably just euthanize myself.
LOL!
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Totally cultural.
My hillbilly extended famfam totally had money on me being a lesbian because I wasn't KTFU'd by the time I could vote.
Years ago a friend and I were discussing how we and pretty much everyone we knew had followed a similar life path. WEnt to college, enjoyed our 20's, traveled, partied, worked on our careers, blah blah blah.
Late 20's/ early 30's is when we started getting married, then kids came in our early/mid/ and for some of us (me) late 30's.
This is the "norm" to us.
But - there are a LOT of people who live in areas of the country where the "norm" is you graduate from high school, get married, and start popping out babies. This is what they know to be waht you "do" and they don't think past that.
I would bet you that the girls posting these posts are simply surrounded by people that this is their norm.
But - yes, I wish they'd stgart thinking for themselves and realize that it's not the end of the world if your life does fall into that exact timeframe. That it's actually more important to make sure you find the right person to spend your life with and you need to focus on that - that they are a good match for you, not that they will be good producers of sperm.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I have an interesting view on this because 15 and pregnant is normal in my extend family, 18 and pregnant in the area DH is from, 30 and considering marriage and possibly children the norm among the people I grew up with in the affluent 'burbs of DC.
I don't know of any exceptions within these groups. Each seems to think that their normal is the only normal. For what it's worth, the last group as a whole seems much happier with their choices.
It's cultural, don't let it bother you.
Around here, it's not normal to have a house and kids until your 30's because of the insanely high cost of living and the competitive job market. At the same time, where I went to college it was normal to not even get a degree because you had kids and a double wide right out of high school.
I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, just that different places breed different norms based on all sorts of societal and economical factors.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have no idea why suddenly 30 is the age that seems to be "too old" for these posters.
Also, I think that there are some people who are so Type A & hardcore planners that want to put their lives in these straight little lines. They make no allowances for any variables in life. Whether it be not being ready yet, divorce, infertility or just not finding the right person to have kids with yet. Life is not something you can control at your whim, KWIM?
I bet a lot of these women who say that were the ones that were crazy bridezillas that freaked if their day had any variation from how they wanted it. My BFF was like that up until her attempt at asking her BF to marrying her blew up in her face. She was on this mad mission to be married by 25 and done with babies by 30. I'm talking planned it all down to the white picket fence and the dog.
When her BF refused her marriage proposal she had a really rude awakening. She is a little bit better about it now, but I had to talk her out of buying baby clothes (yes-- she is stocking her house with baby items unless someone talks her out of being BSC-- I've recommended therapy).
Anyway-- these women are almost pathological in their intent that life WILL go the way they want or the world will end. One by one they get their wake up call in some form or fashion. Until then they just keep on believing that if they just try hard enough that everything will work out according to plan.
I want to know how old the people that say things like, "I'll be old at 30!" are. I know that when I was 22(ish) I thought 30 would be old, and would (more importantly) feel old! So I kind of get where people are coming from there. To a degree, I even understand feeling like, "Well if I don't do it by this point, I'll never do it," because it just seems so far away.
As for the age - I just feel like women can't really win there. It used to be there was a ton of pressure to have your kids young (and I think there still is, in a lot of places) and now we're seeing the pendulum swing so that if you're considering kids before the age of 30 people are all, "But you're so YOUNG! You don't have to do this right now!"
For the most part, I think people should just keep their plans to themselves, lest they really want to be publicly judged.
My mom had me at 30 and my brother at 35. I just always assumed that's how it's done so I agree with ECB - normal is often defined as what you grew up witnessing. Shoot, my dad's mom popped him out when she was in her late 30s. She might even have been in her early 40s. He was an oops (and an only child) - unheard of back in the day. And she was Catholic to boot! She wanted to be a career woman.
I never felt panicked about my fertility or having kids when I was in my 20s. I'm starting to feel that way though (I'm almost 32). Time goes by so much faster now. I get a little twinge in my heart-area whenever I see another FB friend has had a baby. It seems so far away for me.
ETA: Sorry I got all emo there. It's been an emo-inducing week.
Sorry to hijack this thread so badly, but I just had to add that this sounds so much like my sister.
She pushes SOOOO HARD for her picket fence life. Then at 31 years-old, she broke up with her long-time boyfriend, took a breath, went to therapy and admitted to herself that she is gay.
She just KNEW that all she needed to be happy was her plan. Turns out that she's so much happier now that she's had to let go of that.
I think it's mostly cultural, but I think some are worried that their babies will have all kinds of health problems if they have kids after they're 30. We plan on starting to try when I'm 25 and he's 27, but the only reason for that is that he has Crohn's and it's possible that he may have a shorter life than the average (hopefully not) and we want him to be around the kids as long as possible. Also, all student loans will be paid off by then (we both have well-paying jobs and he's big on finances) so we will be fine financially.
BUT, if we didn't have the Crohn's to worry about and if my loans would take longer to pay off, I'd have no problem waiting till I'm 30.
My coworker once overheard a couple of 16-year olds talking about how everyone in their school was having kids, and one said, "I'm going to wait until I'm at 18 to have kids. Me and Bobby are going to get married and have a kid." Crazy...
I'm 36 and am FINALLY with the man I want to have children with (also 36, no children). We know we are a little behind the curve, although our friends are more in range of starting their families in their late 20's to early 30's, so not too much. We joke that when our kids are a little older, at least we will have lots of options for babysitters
I agree that it's a cultural/regional thing. Around here, everyone has babies at about 18 and gets married (usually to someone else) around 22. But it's not usually because they think 30 is too old...it's that they failed to use birth control and were probably drunk off their asses (in most cases).
Of my graduating high school class, which will be having their 5-year reunion in 2012, three of us are married, and one of those three has a child (with her DH). One other was married and is divorced. Five others have children. In a class of 30 people.
Of all of these children, I don't think a single one was planned.
I do think that while it's a regional thing, people who flat-out refuse to have kids after 30 because that's "too old" throw me. I get health issues like the PP whose husband has Crohn's (hell, health issues in general are a big part of why DH and I aren't having kids at all), though.
I think it's kind of what Betty said about people planning every little detail of their lives. I knew a girl who was nearly suicidal at 23 because she had planned to be married and starting a family. She's now 26 and engaged, and from what I understand she is much happier (we don't talk anymore). It's a matter, in my head, of, "WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO GO A CERTAIN WAY?!" Maybe because I was such a perfectionist when I was younger, and I had this PERFECT PLAN, and everything was going to go exactly as I wanted at exactly the right time...and then nothing did. At all. I guess I'm lucky because I figured that out at 16 instead of, say, 35, but I think that's why it gets to me. These girls are missing out on a lot by railroading themselves so intensely, and that makes me sad.
I'm 25 and I have to admit that I want to start having kids before I'm 30. I don't think it will be the end of the world if I don't, but I do have certain concerns about the health of the baby. I think it might be a personal thing because I am close to several women over 30 who have had miscarriages and trouble conceiving and were absolutely heartbroken over it. I also consider myself to be financially ready for a child. DH and I both have good jobs and own our own home. However, I still don't feel quite emotionally ready for it and don't intend to start trying until I do. I have no idea when that will be. If it isn't before I'm 30, then it isn't. I guess I am thinking that wanting to have a child will be like it was when I got married- when you're ready, you know it.
For my high school, I was one of the first to have a baby(ies) at almost 27. Most of my friends are just now having their first at 30.
For the surrounding high schools in our area, it's very common for people to pop one out while still in school. It's definitely a socio-economic thing in my opinion (at least where I live).
I just had my first one at 36. I finished two degrees, lived all over the country, lived in two foreign countries, traveled throughout 6 continents, bought a house and saved a ton of money before my H and I decided to do it.
I don't get the whole timeline thing.
You know what scares me about all of this? That typically, those who have children younger are less educated and less world-experienced, and as a result, raise their children the same way. They also tend to have more children in total than the older, more educated set, and as a result, demographically, we as a country are going to end up with more citizens raised by younger, less educated folk, and less by those who have, IMO, the skillsets to actually be good parents.
Mind, this is a HUGE generalization, and definitely has the power to be influenced by racial and cultural factors. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this belief.
For the record, DH and I are child free by choice and love it that way.