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Is this rude? Need Potluck advice!!
My husband and I agreed to host his parents and brothers for Christmas this year. They have family that lives here (In-laws live 3 hours away), that they only see every couple years, so we've also agreed to have one big family get-together (about 12 adults and 5 children). Because of the number of people, I've suggested a potluck. I'll fix a ham and a few dishes, but I would love additional help to make sure there is plenty of food.
My mother-in-law is completely appalled at the idea of asking guests to bring anything at all. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing or not - I grew up in the Midwest where potlucks are very common (almost expected!), but she's from Mexico - maybe they don't do potlucks there??
Anyway, is there a polite way of asking my guests to bring a dish without offending my mother-in-law or making her think I'm the worst hostess ever?
Re: Is this rude? Need Potluck advice!!
What percentage of this event is MIL's family? If she's upset by it, her relatives likely will be, too, and there's really no way you won't have egg on your face. Potlucks are cultural like you said - just because you're ok with it doesn't mean other people are.
We don't do potlucks in my family. Ever. Considered tacky and rude. If you're hosting a dinner, the thinking goes, then you actually need to host.
DH's family does potlucks all the time for casual events, but not for Christmas and Thanksgiving, which are formal events that the hostess owns.
But I've been on the nest long enough (5 years) to realize that everyone does the holidays differently. I've seen Christmas traditions here that I never would have dreamed of. So it's important to ask your DH what the norms are in his family and go from there. You may have to be the one to shift your expectations. And hop over to the entertaining board - we can help you build a menu that will easily feed the 12 adults.
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Honestly, I don't think this is all that many people. You're looking at at total of 17, and with the main of ham, and then sides, I don't think it would break your bank to actually host, and it sounds like your MIL will appreciate it. Just off the top of my head I'm thinking:
Ham, rolls, potato, veg x2, dessert, etc.
Then, if anyone asks if they can bring anything, suggest appetizers and snacks, and then additional sides.
I have to agree that, if you agreed/offered to host, then you should in fact host.
Wow, I really didn't know that it was that rude or tacky. I've always just thought of it as a way for everyone to contribute and share something. It always seems to me that people have a good time sharing their recipes and skills.
I'm not really concerned about the budget. I'm just concerned about having enough food - given that I've never cooked for this many people, and I've never been to a potluck that ran out of food. I'm also a bit concerned about prep time and that everyone likes what's being served.
"Hosting" also means different things to different people. To me a host is more of an organizer who offers up their space for the gathering, a majority of the meal/decor/prep work, and makes sure everyone is having a great time.
BUT, I'll definately NOT be hosting a potluck for christmas and will reserve that for...uh..I guess, never? haha
Christmas dinner means something special to every person who'll be there. At Christmas, I think a hostess's primary job is to make everyone comfortable, whether through choosing their favorite dish or serving the way they like, whatever that means for your guest list. If your MIL, and possibly her entire side of the family, is made uncomfortable by being asked to bring something, why do it that way?
Potlucks vary by family. They aren't bad. But since your MIL is "appalled," save the potlucks for casual occasions like the Super Bowl and 4th of July.
And truly, like Jaime said, 12 adults (and let's be real, the kids will eat a bite of mac and cheese and a couple bites of ham) is no big deal to cook for. Do you have a sister or cousin you can ask to come over early and help you cook?
I'm quite serious that we'll be happy on EI to come up with a menu for you that you can do easily. Choose all make-ahead sides so they only have to be baked. Bake the ham the day before and serve it at room temp. Break out the crock-pot as needed. Do easy apps like cheese and crackers.
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It is probably a lot of what you grew up with. My mother always did the whole meal, and when she went somewhere, they did the same. That was expected.
When we have dinners here, I do the whole thing. That way I know exactly what we'll have and no surprises or forgetful excuses or too small dishes.
With that being said, we have a traditional seated dinner here with about 22 adults. We do salad, steak, potato, veg, rolls, and dessert. We plan it so there are the right number of food servings. The steak is in 22 pieces ready for the grill. 22 baked potatoes, 22 green bean bundles, huge salad. Dessert is precut into 22 servings.
I'm not very good at appetizers, but it is nice to have something to munch with wine before dinner. If anyone asks, that's what I'll have then bring.
Everyone DOES bring a bottle of wine, and we open all bottles for sharing.
When I am in charge, I like to have control, so doing it all, or most, keeps me in charge. Others can do it how they want, but this is just my personal preference.
And you are right. Hosting has different meaning for different events and different groups of people.
If you want to get pot lucks started with this group, throw out an idea about a time when you could all get together and everyone could bring their whatever. That might at least get the seed planted for the potential in the future.
In my family it is completely expected that everyone will bring something for big family meals. So we always offer.
Unless it's just my parents inviting their children/spouses for a meal, which is usually a casual offer via text. Then I don't offer to bring anything. But when I call/text to invite them for dinner, I don't ask them to bring anything either.
While some families all pitch in for a holiday dinner and others don't, the point is that the host would NEVER ask for the help. If someone were to offer with a "what can I bring?" then you are well within your rights to suggest an appetizer or dessert or something. But, the host does not ask. Period.
This is actually a great point. We do Thanksgiving "potluck style" in my family, but what that means is that everyone in our family always asks "what can I bring" so a couple weeks before my mom and I sit down and figure out the answer to that question. The two of us do all the mains/sides/desserts but always leave something out for the guests to bring (for instance, one of my cousins always makes the mashed potatoes. His sister likes to bring some nosh for appetizer). We work that into the menu ahead of time.
I know plenty of families that do potlucks for Christmas. I don't think it's a big deal.
i think if you offered to host, then at the time of offering you should have said, "WE're happy to have everyone round to our place, if we could do a potluck." That way MIL can throw up her arms in disgust, and you can say, "well we're happy for someone else to host. No big deal" and let someone else step into the breech.
It's not your job to cater in such a way that suits everyone. It's your job to offer whatever is in your budget/comfort zone/skill level etc etc.
If MIL doesn't like what you are offering then she can offer an alternative, that she provides.
ITA
I think there is a HUGE difference between offering to bring something and being asked/expected to bring something.
Same here,and nicely said!
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Actually, it's fine for the guest to offer to take a dish. It's not OK for the host to ask. Also, if the hostess says she'd rather you not bring a dish (becuase her menu is set) then it's rude to bring a dish.
That being said, I never show up empty handed either. I offer to take a dish and if that offer is declined I make sure to have a nice hostess gift.
I host Thanksgiving and never ask for help with the meal - - my family insists on bringing something, so I usually let them bring wine and cheese or the pies.
However, my mother always has help (we bring a dish). I actually don't blame her b/c for so many years she was the ONLY person hosting - including aunts and uncles from both sides. She had the bigger house, I guess, but she also had three children! Personally, I wouldn't want an extra cook in my kitchen and I don't like getting "surprised" with dishes that I don't like or that are too heavy!
I don't think asking people to bring a dish is rude, but every family is different. Personally, I think it's rude for your MIL to ask you to host her family gtg and not offer any food / beverage / or financial help!
I have had 18 guests (14 adults / 4 kids) and it's not that difficult. I make some dishes ahead of time. I bet if you asked on the entertaining or what's cooking boards you could get some great ideas for easy sides that can be made ahead of time.
My family has a big Christmas party every year and everyone brings a dish to it. It's normal for my family. Wouldn't do it any other way-we love the variety and the new recipes that everyone shares.
I have Thanksgiving at my house with MIL, 2 family friends (mother/daughter) and DH and our kids. MIL gives me the money to buy the turkey and I cook it, I make a few dishes and MIL, friends bring other dishes. We've been doing this for 10 years and I get a call at the beginning of November from MIL and friends asking what they should bring. We live in the Midwest, Chicago.
Potlucks are a cultural thing. I grew up in the South and DH in the Midwest, and we're both very accustomed to potlucks. In fact, we always ask if we can bring a dish when we're invited to dinner at someone's home. The general thought around these parts is that bringing a side or a desert is a way to share the dinner experience even more. Your the hostess, you're the one who decides what your family holiday meal is going to entail, and there's nothing wrong with having a potluck just because it's not the norm for one of the guests. If you're MIL doesn't want to bring a dish, that's fine, but she doesn't need to get huffy about it.
This. My family is from PA and we always do a joint family meal but DH's mom would flip about this too. Also, I don't think you can retroactively do a pot luck. Once it's understood that you're hosting, I think you're kind of stuck footing the food bill. Hopefully your family offers to bring dessert etc, but I think it's very challenging to travel that far with hot food.
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I have never been to a family meal that wasn't a potluck. The question is always, what can I bring, no matter what house it happens to be at.
I agree, you need to talk to your DH and find out how his family typically handles meals like this.
I think what's important to note is the difference between a full on potluck and offering to contribute.
Potluck = it's the expectation that contribute to the meal in a significant manner.
Contributing Guest = it's polite to offer, sometimes seen as rude if you don't, but the expectation to bring a dish isn't there.
ITA
In my circle, when people are invited to events such as Christmas or any other "food event", the invited guests tend to ask if they can bring a dish or dessert. Maybe they will do the same?
I'm from the midwest (Chicago), too, and I think they're rude. I'm sorry, but I feel that unless it's a really casual get together with friends, expecting guests to co-host is weird.
I would not attend if I was told to bring a side dish. Sorry, I'm with your MIL on this one.
You can decline to host if you can't afford it.
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