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No Wedding Present From My Brother...Annoyed
Okay, I wanted some advice here from you all to see if I was blowing this out of proportion or not. So I recently got married at the end of October in a destination wedding. The only people who came with us for the wedding was our immediate family members (parents & siblings). We had a reception back home for our extended family and friends 2 weeks after getting home. Basically, my brother got a free trip to the Caribbean to see me get married because he didn't pay for his flight or room and it was an all inclusive resort, so all the drinks and food were supplied and he virtually didn't have to spend anything except his PTO to come.
Another twist to this story - my brother is gay and has a boyfriend who did not come to the wedding, but he did bring him to our reception back home which was a full on reception with full meal, bride & groom's cakes, dancing, alcohol and I even wore my dress again. We didn't invite anyone else to the wedding except our immediate family members and his boyfriend was kind of ticked off I think that we didn't include him, even though when we got engaged & started planning, they'd barely been dating (part of the reason for this was because who knew if it would last?). I remember several months into the planning, his BF made some comment to me joking sarcastically that he wouldn't be getting me anything fancy for a wedding present since he wasn't invited to the wedding. I kind of laughed it off, although this kind of pissed me off because none of my aunts, uncles or even grandparents came (gparents because they were too elderly to travel), so he was being pretty presumptious I thought and kind of snarky.
So we got back after the wedding and had our reception which was great and we got a ton of beautiful gifts from all of our family members and friends except we've gotten NOTHING from my brother or his BF. Both my husband and I think that this is really rude, considering my brother got a free trip and then they both came to our party (which wasn't cheap per person) and then they can't even get us a $20 gift card to Target? I asked my mom if she thought the BF was behind this and she kind of made excuses and said she didn't think so & said that they probably just forgot or were being flaky. And when my husband mentioned it to her that he thought it was weird that my brother couldn't get us something after he came on the trip & to the party, she just said "well, he's her brother, so..." like him being my brother excuses him from getting me anything. 
I was trying to diffuse the situation & changed the subject, but now my husband is annoyed with my mom too about her response. UGGGGGGHHHHH! Why couldn't my dumb brother & his BF just be polite and follow etiquette?
And yesterday, my brother texted me telling me some gift ideas for him for his birthday that's coming up and I ALMOST texted him back saying, well I'd like this gift for our wedding, thanks. 
I know I may be bordering on snotty about this, but it makes me feel like if they can forget our present, then we can forget theirs in the future. Opinions about all of this?
Re: No Wedding Present From My Brother...Annoyed
You're shallow.
Get over it. If you don't want to give him a present, don't. He came to your wedding, without his BF--which is crappy BTW.
Who paid for his trip down there?
An American Girl's Travels
Gifts are never required. You have blown this drastically out of proportion. Also, if you don't want to get him a gift for his bday, you don't have to. As gifts are never required.
So, why did you get married? To marry the man who you want to spend the rest of your life with, or to get gifts?
Look - I get the etiquette side that if you're invited to a wedding, you're "supposed" to give a gift. But it's not a law, and it's actually rude of YOU to expect people to give you a gift.
What does a gift really mean, anyhow? I think a persons ATTENDANCE at your event should mean more than a gift.
His BF's attitude is crap. I'll give you that. You wanted family only, he was new on the scene, absolutely understandable that he wasn't invited. But crappy attitude or not, it's still their perogative to give a gift or not.
And yes, who paid for your brother? You keep throwing that in. If YOU paid for his trip, eh, o.k., I might throw a bone your way as to why you're annoyed. But if your parents paid for him, then that's absolutely none of your concern and doesn't factor in at all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
fair warning - these sorts of posts almost always get flamed on here.
you need to let this go.
if you're dead set on not giving a gift, at least blame it on something like tight finances. please do not turn something so petty into a permanent rift in your family.
Okay... I rarely ever respond to stuff like this but you're so shallow and greedy I need to get this out there.
First off, wedding gifts are not, ever, required. Ever. You don't invite people to a wedding to get stuff. You invite them because they're important to you and you want them to be with you on your wedding day.
Second, you're mad at him for not following etiquette? Guess what cupcake, you didn't either if you expected people to get you wedding presents for your "reception". A reception is where you recieve your wedding guests, talk to them, party with them. No one but your immediate family falls in to the category of "wedding guest" in your place. What you had when you came home was a party. Parties do not require gifts. Again, you invite people to parties because you want them to be there, not to get things.
You got your destination wedding. It sounds like it was well funded. You're a lot more fortunate than most. And THEN you got a second pretty princess day with all the people who didn't make the cut for your first one. And you're going to be hung up on your brother not getting you anything? I get that that happening and then having him text you about his birthday offends your delicate sensibilties, but all it tells me is that your parents raised two very selfish people.
And third, was it really necessary to tell everyone he's gay? That has nothing to do with your issue and just makes you sound even more judgemental.
Is there more that has happened in the past that makes you really testy about your brother? Otherwise, I'd chalk it up to him just not thinking about it. I don't think you were intentionally slighted. Move on and enjoy your new marriage!
Then be the bigger person and move on.
But he didn't and there is nothing you can do about it now. To say anything to him would be rude.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
90% of my wedding guests did not give us a gift. Including both my brother and one of my sisters. It honestly didn't bother me then and it does not bother me now, eight years later.
Oh, you mean like not inviting his SO to the wedding?
EDIT: cleaned that up a bit.
If you felt that strongly about gifts, then you should've included an invoice with the wedding invitation.Or you should've made it crystal-clear upon paying for his trip that you expected something in return - whether it be a gift, money, or a verbal thank you.
Get over it. Nobody owes you a wedding gift, no matter what the circumstance.
I get what you are saying, but it comes off ridiculously shallow and petty. If you were more offended that it seemed like a spiteful omission from your brother because he was pissed you didn't pay for his BF, then I can see being annoyed (it sounds like you invited him, but wouldn't pay for him, which is okay). However, you came off more upset over the gift itself and that's what irks me about this situation.
Basically, be the bigger person and get over it. He can stew and be angry all he wants because you didn't pay for his BF to come to your wedding, but that only makes him look like an ass for getting upset about something that was perfectly reasonable for you to do. Paying for someone's vacation is never required, so it's stupid for him to be upset about it.
However, If you continue to stew and be angry about him not getting you a gift, then that makes you look like an ass too because gifts are never required and therefore, is an equally stupid thing to be upset about.
We didn't invite anyone else to the wedding except our immediate family members and his boyfriend was kind of ticked off I think that we didn't include him, even though when we got engaged & started planning, they'd barely been dating (part of the reason for this was because who knew if it would last?). I remember several months into the planning, his BF made some comment to me joking sarcastically that he wouldn't be getting me anything fancy for a wedding present since he wasn't invited to the wedding. I kind of laughed it off, although this kind of pissed me off because none of my aunts, uncles or even grandparents came (gparents because they were too elderly to travel), so he was being pretty presumptious I thought and kind of snarky.
The bolded statements say otherwise. I can't seem to find where he was welcome. Please point it out.
OP, how old is your brother? I think that could help to put things into perspective. DH's younger brother (significant age gap) was his Best Man in our wedding. He was just 20 yrs old at the time. He didn't get us a gift & it didn't even cross my mind. Granted, DH & I didn't pay for him to travel across the country to be at our special day, but still.
I can understand your frustration & why you would feel underappreciated, however, I don't think "the gift" is a symbolic way of your brother trying to be malicious. Is it absent-minded of him? Sure. But, I don't think you should continue on w/this pattern.
I wouldn't use his birthday as "payback" to communicate to him why you're upset. Maybe bring up the topic casually to him during a 1 on 1 talk sometime. You'd be surprised with what answers you might find.
I'm also with PP's in asking, is there something deeper that has happened in your relationship w/your brother in the past to make this gift so crucial?
I stand corrected. I apologize OP and PP.
My brother did not get me a wedding present. Neither did most of my friends (I did tell most of them not to). Neither of H's brothers got us a wedding present.
H and I did not care. Our wedding wasn't about presents. It was about celebrating with the people we love.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
Do you live in a state with legalized gay marriage? Or are you just never going to invite the brother to family gatherings because "he's not a spouse."
The present thing is not a big deal.
im going to be on the other side of the fence here. i agree that it's not a requirement for anyone to give you a gift but i'd probably be more hurt than anything-i mean at minimum a card if nothing else.
your bro doesn't seem to care frankly. i also wouldnt drag your mom into this or start figruing out why. you wont ever know and you'll jsut make yourself angrier.
"If this had been a partner he'd been with for several years, then it would've been different I think."
She really isn't making a stance on "he isn't a spouse". She's making a stance on this being a very new relationship and she wanted a small wedding w/ immediate family and who knows how long this guy will be around.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
From an etiquette standpoint, I can definitely understand where you're coming from. But at the end of the day, I don't really think this is something to take a stand on. Be the bigger person and move on.
Gifts are optional.
Did you even pay for your destination wedding and second reception? If your parents did, then by your logic, your brother (and you) owe them a gift.
eta- I see that you paid for your wedding yourself. Gifts are still optional.
I can see being hurt by this, but angry? No.