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WWYD?
I am extremely po'd at my dad right now.
Things have been really tight financially for my parents this entire year, and since my younger brother's accident he has been off of work. My older brother can never afford anything for Christmas but that's not new news - he never has money to buy other ppl gifts. No big deal.
But I want to give my family presents. I have been working on a couple very special things for my dad in particular this year that I almost have completely finished. Well, I text him yesterday asking if my mom would like a scarf for Christmas and he said no - and "don't you dare." - I told him that just because they can't afford Christmas doesn't mean I can't and most of everything I have done is hand made so I don't have a lot of money wrapped up anyway. My dad actually said he would not come to my house for Christmas if I was going to give him and the rest of them gifts! I told him to put his pride aside and the last thing he said to me was "I'll fix you - I'll have something - it will be small - but I'll have something."
My parents CANNOT afford anything and he's being so damm stubborn. After talking to my mom and brother I decided to cancel Christmas. I told her I would hold onto the gifts until next year and that they are NOT to buy anything. Whether or not they will listen I don't know.....
Here's my question for you all. I am ...this close.... to telling them to just forget coming down for Christmas. I am so mad at him - and I don't want to have a big dinner and my tree up and NOT be able to give them this stuff. Am I being too immature about this? Would you say f*** it and cancel Christmas dinner? Or would you go ahead and finish shopping "just in case" they do what they want anyway? Is it reasonable to have them down for dinner and still have no gifts Christmas morning?
Re: WWYD?
This year and last, we've had to cut our Christmas budget because I'm in school. Last year, ILs spent their usual ~$400 per person, and BIL and SIL exchanged so many presents between them that it was literally 30 minutes of watching them swap presents after everyone else had opened all theirs. DH and I, meanwhile, could only afford to give a couple small gifts per person. Being the "poor" relative is a VERY uncomfortable place to be in. This year, at my insistence, DH went to the ILs in August and said, "Look, we can't do Christmas your way. Agree to a lower budget or we're not coming." I absolutely was not going to sit there and feel bad on Christmas because of what I could or not afford. The family agreed to a limit of $50 per person.
So while your heart is in the right place, you're not getting how awkward and uncomfortable it is for them not to be able to give you gifts in return. They've asked you not to give gifts and you're insisting. Christmas isn't about gifts! Dare I mention the baby in the manger that's the point of this whole season? Is throwing a tantrum and canceling dinner because you can't give someone a present immature? Hell yes it is. Call your family back, tell them you understand and that you promise to make your Christmas dinner a present-free zone, and that you'll cherish the time together with them. Save the presents for Mother's Day and Father's Day.
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I'm w/ TarHeels on this.
Your dad isn't being stuborn as much as he's probably embarassed. Not having money is hard. Really really hard. And knowing you can't reciprocate sucks.
Your heart is in the right place as far as it goes that you wanted to have something small for them and that you don't want anything in return.
But when you got to the point where you asked if you're being immature? Well, yes, you are. You're going to stomp your feet and pout and cancel it over giving gifts?!?!
Realize this - giving them something in this situation is actually selfish. It's only going to make YOU feel good. It's going to make them feel like crap. Is that really what you want?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the advice.
I understand that I'm over reacting and I do feel bad about it. Guess I have my brothers and dads birthday presents ready to go
lol.
NO definitely not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Call me stubborn or prideful but I don't like receiving gifts if I can't reciprocate. Someone can go on and on and on about how I don't need to give them something but it doesn't matter. I feel bad, awkward and uncomfortable. It wouldn't ruin my christmas or anything like that but I just wouldn't like it.
I would just respect your dad's wishes and not give him anything. Forcing the issue only makes you look stubborn too. I would do what you said and keep the gifts aside fore another occasion.
Hi! I agree with PP... though hang in there. Holidays are hard and communication is everything.
Def' call your family back and have them come over for Christmas. Prepare a lovely meal and just enjoy each other's company. Do not mention gifts at all!
My DH and I were extremely budgeted the last two years and so were some other members of the family due to the economy (this year not as much
. We decided three years ago to cut back our spending on the adults to 10.00 - 15.00 per person (no more "wish" lists 
and spend more on the children (aprox. 30.00 each child with lists).
It is so much easier and nicer! Its a joy to shop and exchange now - the expectations and "wish lists" for adults are gone and we can still spend on our spouses and own children privately and no one feels awkward Christmas morning.
Also - when you are hosting if (and only if) your folks, and /or siblings offer to bring something let them! I'm sensing that will make them feel better to contribute to the dinner/desserts as well.
Cheers and be sure to enjoy the spirit of the holidays.
I never canceled dinner. I called them back after becoming upset and I said I would save dad's presents for his birthday - give my brothers this weekend (its his birthday this weekend) and save Mom's for mothers day. They are still coming over so we will still have a great time.
I have already told my mom she had to bring the deviled eggs
I don't understand why she wants to bring just the eggs and make it here though. She wants me to provide the other ingredients and she'll bring the eggs and make it here. I told her I could buy the eggs too but she is really adamant on that one...
Anyway - thank you all for your advice. I did see and feel the 13 year old in me kicking up a storm. After speaking here I seen myself in the mirror and realized it even more. I'm still sad that I'm not going to be able to give dad his present I've worked months on but really he couldn't use them this year anyway. (I hand painted 28 "wedding anniversary/Christmas' together" bulbs with sayings - pictures - dates - the whole works. Since they will be here he can't exactly put them on his tree anyway. Ah - logic.)