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Parents and Christmas
Okay so for years (yes, even into adulthood I am ashamed to admit), my parents requested Christmas lists from myself and my younger brother. They always told us it would be easier for them to do their Christmas shopping if we would just give them a list. So we did.
Well, I am no longer comfortable with this practice. I am 27 years old and married. My husband and I do not even exchange gifts with each other. To me, the holidays are not about gifts anymore (never should have been in the first place). Being a busy person who struggles to find enough time to peel myself away from work to be with my loved ones, the holidays are valuable to me because it means I get to see the people I love.
So the dilemma... Last year I did not provide a Christmas list. So out of not knowing what to buy, my father simply wrote us a very generous check. My husband and I debated on whether or not to cash it... would it be an insult if we didn't cash the check? In the end, we decided to cash it. Well this year, I am trying to avoid this from happening again. So is there a way to ask my father to please not spend so much on us and to definitely not give us a huge check. I do not want to insult him by refusing his gifts, but I feel that if I tell him not to give us money or large gifts, it wouldn't be shocking to him if we fail to cash his check or accept the gifts.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with him telling him to please not get us anything and that we'd much rather plan a nice dinner to spend some time together. Unfortunately this request has been ignored and everytime I talk to my father he says "I still haven't received your Christmas list, little princess". smh...smh
Thoughts, opinions, advice, please?
Re: Parents and Christmas
I am 30 years old (the oldest sibling) and my parents still ask ALL of us (including significant others) for a Christmas List. If we do not provide a list we receive a big chunk of cash.
Us, siblings and our significant others do a name exchange and we ask my parents to do it with us every year to make things easier...and every year they say no.
I too feel horrible about this, but in return we also get my parents generous gifts (vacations, weekend aways, etc) because of all they do for us through the year.
I understand completely though...we are grown ups BUT i think its a way for them to keep us as children in their eyes!
Why can't you allow your parents to enjoy the holiday the way they like to - by buying you something you want? I doubt that wanting to buy you something means they dont' value the holiday as a way to spend time w/ loved ones. They just also want to give you something.
I don't see why this is an issue to make a stand over. This is what makes them happy.
I'm 41 and I GLADLY give a list to anyone who wants it. There are things I could use. If someone wants to buy me a gift and asks me what I want, I'll tell them. I'd rather them spend their money on something useful than on something that will be a waste of their money.
I really don't see how supplying a wish list is a "kid only" thing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with the PP...exchanging gifts doesn't take away from the true meaning of Christmas. Your parents want to get you a gift. It makes them happy. I guess I don't see what the big deal is...surely there is something you could tell them you'd like?
I don't think you need to spend the same amt as they would spend on you...and I'm sure if your parents ASK you what you want and want to get your something, they don't think you're a 'taker'.
Dh and I are in our 40's and our parents buy for us...and we for them. It's only part of our holiday celebration. We all really enjoy finding gifts for each other and getting together to exchange them during the holiday season.
I know I love buying for my family, I can't imagine that would go away when my kids get older. My mom gives us $ as she's really not able to get out and shop like when she was younger, but she really wants us to go out and get something we really want and tell her all about it. She's so cute! My MIL wants a list.
Focus on finding a thoughtful gift that you know they'll appreciate - don't worry about the cost of it!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm w/you in that, I too, feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from family - DH & I both do. We figure, we're all adults, if we need/want something - we just go buy it (within reason of course!). Also, IMO, it puts added stress on the holiday. Christmas to me (and DH) is SO not about the gifts - it's about being off from work and together w/family drinking, eating & laughing, etc.
You can't change/control if your parents want to buy you presents or give you money. And really, it's not fair to take that "away" from them, if it makes them happy. If they give you a check just like last year, tell me them after the New Year (so they won't suspect anything) that you all (yourself & DH + parents) should get together & go out to dinner. Then, just arrange to have the bill paid in advance so there's no discussion about who will pay for dinner.
Now, I don't know the denomination of your dad's check, so obviously, unless it's a fancy restaurant, there may be some leftover - and that's Ok. But, at least you "gave back" to them too & it was in a way that got exactly what you wanted in the first place - family togetherness.
When I was in college my four older sisters & I decided it would be easier if we exchanged names for Christmas. We each draw two names and only get presents for those people. My immediate family is 11 adults and 2 kids. (I count my 3 BILs and niece & nephew as immediate family.) So I get that it can be expensive to buy for all those people, hence the exchanging names. Before my parents were involved in the name exchange my sisters & I would do a weekend getaway type thing for them as a group gift.
We all give a list to my mom as she's the keeper of the lists. As an adult I don't need anything, but I put the things I'd buy for myself at any other time of year (DVDs, candles & books mostly) on my list.
If you really don't want anything why couldn't you ask your dad to donate that money to a charity of your choosing in your name? My dad started a tradition a few years ago in which he gives my sisters & I $20 each to donate to whatever charity we want and I love it.
BTW, I'm the youngest at 26. My oldest sister is 33.
how about if you use the money for a family activity for everyone, you your dh and paretns. maybe a overnight stay somewhere fun or tickets to a show.
you could also donate the money to a charity