WWND - re "no gifts please"

WonderRed

N's birthday is one month after Christmas.  I hate it.  I'm already keeping Christmas small this year because he has so much and because we're downsizing on the 31st.   I usually try to clean out the old toys right before the holidays but can honestly say that there is not a single toy in that kid's room that he doesn't play with.   I can think of 1-2 that I might make him donate anyway, but it's not nearly as much as the past couple of years. I just don't want anymore stuff in the house.

So for his birthday this year I kind of want to do a "no gifts please" request on his invitations. Especially since we're at a point where I have to invite all the usual friends, PLUS the kids from school, PLUS the kids from tae kwon do.  That's a potential boat load of new stuff.    But, now he's at an age where he has been to enough parties and had enough of his own to understand that birthdays = gifts.  I don't want him to think it's all about the material stuff though, just to make him happy, but I also don't want him to freak out and think his birthday was horrible.

Here's what I've come up with.  N loves animals and science.  I would like to have him pick out a charitable organization and then ask guests to "instead of gifts please provide a donation made out to ________"  and then have N help to put all the donations together, maybe draw a picture of the animals and write a note, and help send  in a donation.  (I know the Dian Fossey (gorillas) organization will send you pictures and updates on the animal you "adopted" when you do this.)

Is this just insane for a 5 year old? Am I just completely sucking all the fun out of having a birthday?   And if this isn't crazy then how do you word something like that on party invitations? I don't want to demand this of people. Maybe "Gifts are not expected, but should you feel compelled please _____________. "  Ridiculously tacky?  Other idea?

And yes, he would still get birthday presents from family and me so I'm not completely a birthday grinch.

 

RoxBride

Honestly?

It isn't your birthday, it is N's. So you can't decide to force chairty on him. Let him enjoy his birthday, and hope for the best.

And then if you have to give away stuff, you do.

PS. I'd write more but I have to go return the 8 foot tall elephant I bought a certain little redhead for his birthday. Kidding!

asilsjf

I like the idea of donating to a charity instead of a gift.   And I like your wording.  People may still choose to get him a gift, and I think you'll have to be okay with that.  Maybe tell N that he can only take the toys (when you guys move) that will fit in a given box, the rest have to go to a charity.

 

Psalm_23

This might not be possible or what you want to do, but you could always just make the party smaller.  When I was growing up, if I was turning 5, I got to invite 5 friends. 

ondrea

I think you have to have N on board with this and not just force it on him.  Talk it through with him time and time again and see how that goes.  We got invited to a party tonight that the invite says "If you'd like to bring a gift, Emily has requested canned goods to donate to the Arvada Food Bank" and knowing this 6yr old and the family - she did probably say that (with parental encouragement - but I don't doubt that she's on board).

WonderRed

Psalm_23:

This might not be possible or what you want to do, but you could always just make the party smaller.  When I was growing up, if I was turning 5, I got to invite 5 friends. 

Ugh.  This is what I really want to do, to be honest.   But I don't know how without hurting people's feelings.   Family gets to come.  Period.  Then there is the usual group that always comes where I can't invite ____ but not ______ and wouldn't know how to eliminate people anyway.   And then he really  wants to invite two friends from school.  The kids at school all talk to each other and after the last class party they were were all discussing it together at school the next day.   And he already invited two kids from TKD on his own and I can't invite two of them and leave the rest of the group out because, again, they all talk and I see the parent 2x a week.  And at the same time, I don't REALLY don't want a party with 25 kids, for me OR the TKD instructors that will be running it. It's just too much.

I'll gladly take suggestions on how to be PC and make it smaller too.

ETA: Ondrea, I did bring it up to him the other day and he was pretty open.  He's definitely not a typical 5 year old on issues involving animals.    I have time so I may just work on it with him and see what happens.  Besides, last time I did a "no gifts please" (when he was two) most of the people just ignored it anyway, so I'm not sure it matters what I try to do. 

KeepingItLowKey

In my experience, people don't like being told how to spend their money.

sara_c

Cap the party.  So what he already invited two TKD friends.  It's a month away, right?  If if doesn't get mentioned again, they won't remember it.  If the parents say something to you, be honest- " I'm sorry, but I couldn't reasonably invite 25 kids, which is what it would be if he could invite ALL the kids he's around during a given week.  I'm sure you understand" 

Invite the two friends from school and the other friends and be done.  Yes there may be a few hurt feelings, but honestly that's ok.  Frankly, I don't like when my kid gets invited to a classmate's party that he isn't that close with or even likes.  I feel obligated to go and bring a gift.  I can explain to my child that not everyone gets invited to everything and that's a-ok. 

jason&robin

Yeah, this is always hard. We can't afford a huge bday for each kid every year. For E this year, we took him to see Thomas the train at the Railroad museum. It wasn't cheap but we just had family come and they all bought their own ticket. Then we went back to my ILs house for pizza and cake. I ended up not really paying for anything except I made the cake. He got a decent amount of presents...got to open gift and blow out candles. He didn't even notice that there weren't a ton of people there. A's bday is in July so we typically just have a party at the house and whip out the pool and do some easy food. I am trying not to let it get away from me. I have no intention of ever inviting his whole class to something. It's just not in the bank. EVER!

ckolak

My SIL and BIL have done "no gifts please" for the last 2 years for my older nephew's birthday (he just turned 5 last month). People still bring presents. I would say you can certainly put it on there if you want, but don't assume it will be followed.

RoxBride

WonderRed:

Psalm_23:

This might not be possible or what you want to do, but you could always just make the party smaller.  When I was growing up, if I was turning 5, I got to invite 5 friends. 

Ugh.  This is what I really want to do, to be honest.   But I don't know how without hurting people's feelings.   Family gets to come.  Period.  Then there is the usual group that always comes where I can't invite ____ but not ______ and wouldn't know how to eliminate people anyway.   And then he really  wants to invite two friends from school.  The kids at school all talk to each other and after the last class party they were were all discussing it together at school the next day.   And he already invited two kids from TKD on his own and I can't invite two of them and leave the rest of the group out because, again, they all talk and I see the parent 2x a week.  And at the same time, I don't REALLY don't want a party with 25 kids, for me OR the TKD instructors that will be running it. It's just too much.

I'll gladly take suggestions on how to be PC and make it smaller too.

ETA: Ondrea, I did bring it up to him the other day and he was pretty open.  He's definitely not a typical 5 year old on issues involving animals.    I have time so I may just work on it with him and see what happens.  Besides, last time I did a "no gifts please" (when he was two) most of the people just ignored it anyway, so I'm not sure it matters what I try to do. 

I think you need to cap it. Unless the school has a policy of all or nothing, invite the two friends he likes. For TKD, if there are two kids he likes, maybe invite them to join you at McDonald's for a little birthday gtg after class. Just because kids talk, doesn't mean they can't learn they don't get invited to every single event for everyone all the time.

I think once the child is one, then you don't have to invite every child you know, just the ones Niko knows. I know I wouldn't bat an eye at not being invited to any child's b-day party and I doubt anyone you know would care either.

Remember - do what's best for the birthday boy and your sanity, and not what you think you have to do.

WineCat

I think people like to bring "something" to a party.  There are a couple of really great no kill shelters that always need food, supplies, etc. that people could pick up, wrap, bring to the party and Niko could unwrap and then donate.  So everyone would get the whole present 'experience' and you don't get the stuff to deal with.

WonderRed

You know, the more I think about this, the more I want to just let N pick 2-3 kids of his choosing and have them come to my house, serve them a goofy looking, lopsided, homemade cake and let the entertainment be whatever they want to come up with on their own for an hour.   I just don't know if I have the energy to do another big, "real" party this year.

sara_c

WonderRed:

You know, the more I think about this, the more I want to just let N pick 2-3 kids of his choosing and have them come to my house, serve them a goofy looking, lopsided, homemade cake and let the entertainment be whatever they want to come up with on their own for an hour.   I just don't know if I have the energy to do another big, "real" party this year.

 

We did that for J's 5th party.  He loved it.  We decorated cupcakes and then they ran around the house like mad men having the times of their lives.  I think he had more fun that year than he this past one where we invited 10 kids and did it at a place.

Pesky

What about an outing to the museum of nature and science with a friend of his choice?  Or ditto pps -- I'd just cap the number of people.  Otherwise, like they said, tough to tell folks what to do.  You can always say to people if they ask for suggestions to think about donations or museum passes or the like.

DownToEarthGirl

Late to this, but everytime someone has asked for donations or a book exchange or no presents, I'm that parent that still shows up with a little something for the birthday kid (in addition to a book exchange and/or donation). 

 

KeepingItLowKey

Lydia only have 5 friends at her Build a Bear party and it was the perfect amount of kids without being crazy and chaotic. I think I might stick to keeping parties small.

todds_wife

WonderRed:

You know, the more I think about this, the more I want to just let N pick 2-3 kids of his choosing and have them come to my house, serve them a goofy looking, lopsided, homemade cake and let the entertainment be whatever they want to come up with on their own for an hour.   I just don't know if I have the energy to do another big, "real" party this year.

This sounds fun!  We always had small things like this, and then if we did something with family, it was a stand alone event -you know, "pot of chili and celebrate Keri and Traci's birthday on sunday" kind of thing.

The other version where you have to invite N's whole class, all the usual suspects, family, and all the TKD kids sort of makes me want to go in the corner and rock while wheezing the juice off a box of wine.