Hudson Valley Nesties
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What is your relationship...
with your MIL like? I've been having issues for what seems like forever and I was wondering if I was the only one. I wanted to make this a poll but it never lets me do a poll, damn TN.
Re: What is your relationship...
you arent alone. Mine is not a good one and Jay's isnt even all that great with his mother. She has issues- alcoholic and we think mental (bipolar or manic depressive) Of Course she wont admit to either. I haven't spoken to MIL since June b/c she took a text message I sent her and made it sound like something else to herself and caused a huge fight between her, Jay and myself. She has reared her ugly head again now, I'm sure b/c its the holidays. I just let Jay deal with her. We are nice to each other in person. She would never say anything to me publicly. I think she is scared b/c she caused some drama after we got engaged and I put her in her place. So she just complains to Jay about me. I know that Jay wishes we had a better relationship but he knows that I will only tolerate so much from her, I was raised a different way. He can deal with his mother how he chooses its his mother. But I will not bow down to her craziness because its helping no one. She has created this image of me in her head, that i'm a monster, i'm a princess, i'm spoiled. She has known for me 11.5 years you would have thought she figured out by now that I'm NOT any of the above.
Our relationship got worse after we got engaged and then after we bought a house closer to my parents (which was not planned, it was coincidence). Sorry for the novel, I haven't vented about her in a while.
Mine was great until SIL grew up (she was 13 when we got engaged and 14 at my wedding now is coming up on turning 20 this summer). Then BIL and his GF drama really set it off because I banned them from my house and was vocal with my reasoning. Now that I have kids I can't stand FIL 90% of the time with them and she has gotten better, BUT that is also because we don't see her a lot anymore.
When I was first engaged and married we went out to lunch and shopping all the time together, she would come over to hang out, and I would go up there alone too. DH was deployed and when home living in VA so he was never around. Now I have maybe done that 2 times in the past year.
She apologized over the summer after a major blow out with SIL and I that had turned physical on family vacation, but nothing really changed and I have given them my children less and less because of it. J used to be there 2x a week and now they are maybe there 1x every 2-3 weeks.
I haven't had a chance to vent about my MIL in quite a while so this is going to be LONG...
It's a rough relationship and apparently my H and I just wrote ourselves out of the family. MIL does NOT show emotion and she cares for no one but herself. She went on and on about how Baby H is her first grandchild and how she plans to spoil him. She went on to say that because Baby H is my mother's 4th grandchild that it's old news to her. MIL has not gotten one gift. When I needed her help in October because he was sick and I needed to go to work, she could not wait to hand my child back to me at the end of the day. Then she couldn't help out and went on and on about how he got her sick.
She was here for Thanksgiving because we refuse to go to her place for several reasons -- her house belongs on "Clean House" and BIL abuses drugs (MIL knowingly lets it go on and even let him grow pot in the backyard for some time). No one really pitched in on Thanksgiving and god help them if they ever chipped in for anything (they made us buy dinner when they visited just 2 weeks after I had the baby!!!!). MIL started drinking STRAIGHT brandy and was drunk and passed out on the couch immediately after dinner. She insisted that I give her MY LEFTOVERS for BIL, who decided he couldn't come because he had to work (he works at a supermarket). Well, he blatantly told FIL that he spends his money on drugs so I told her "Hell no." She was shocked that I told her no but I said it's my food and I can do what I want with it -- she could bring him home leftover pie that she made. And guess where BIL ended up that night? He drove his car straight into a tree. He was speeding and on something so he spent the night in jail. Happy Thanksgiving!!!
That night ended awkwardly and she assumed we would go down to her place for Christmas Eve (not a chance). I planned to spend Christmas Eve visting FIL and SMIL who make a fuss over Baby H and appreciate when we visit (not to mention, they are clean and cook for us). MH told his mother that we did not plan to spend Christmas Eve with her because of BIL and his drugs. We will not bring our child around that kind of environment. Well, she took it hard. She said it wasn't fair to her, Grandma and MH's Aunt. She hung up on him and proceeded to write us a letter. In it were phrases like "This is the season of kindness and love. I guess I did not teach you tolerance." Well, you didn't teach your other son about how to obey the law and that drugs are bad! She said we wrote ourselves out of the family and sent us $100 check (yes, I cashed it already in fear that she would cancel it, lol). I can't say I'm upset about the situation but she is ridiculously dramatic! Worse than a teenager. Good riddance.
Gosh, I am sorry you guys, that sounds awful all 3 of you. I'm not happy you have issues but I'm glad I'm not the only one. Margie, it'd be awesome if you could chime in because you live withh yours like I do mine even if it is all good over in your house.
ETA: I'm glad you guys were able to vent, I know every little bit helps.
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Sooooooo, my MIL and I have a great relationship. For the past few years she has been more of a mom to me than my own. I am very lucky that things have worked out this way, especially since we had zero adjustment time. When MH and I were boyfriend/girlfriend I had almost no interaction with her, then all of the sudden we were a family with a baby. I dunno, I guess I just lucked out. She respects that I am the boss in my own little family unit but things don't work the way one would expect for people who live so close in proximity to one another. She does not watch Mini for us unless it's a special occasion or it's so I can quickly run an errand. She says she would -whenever- but I don't believe her and ultimately I know that she offers because that's what grandmothers do. Maybe that makes me an assshole but I'd rather not hear through the grapevine that I dump my kid on her all of the time (she says this about our niece who is with my ILs quite a bit) and I'd rather her not feel as if she can make decisions about my kid without consulting me which I know would happen if "the baby" spent more time over there.
Don't get me wrong, she annoys me but I'm sure I annoy her too. She's nosey and overprotective and if given the opportunity, she would be overbearing as fuuck but so far so good. :::knock on wood:::
PS I know for a fact that I will probably be a pain in the ass MIL, I just feel it in my bones. But I have a daughter so I have every right. Just sayin'.
ETA I hope this doesn't sound like I expect my MIL to watch my kid all of the time, I don't want or need that. Just that most people are surprised to hear that I avoid leaving my daughter with her most of the time even though she's right there. KWIM?
We live in an apt. attached to MIL & FIL. We are together all the time. They aggravate me from time to time, especially concerning BIL and his family and the way they treat them, vs. the way they treat us.
When we lived in NC, our relationship was great.. if we move back, I see it being great again. It is decent now, just could be better.
Even before all our issues really we would only get together very rarely outside of holidays and birthdays. More so in the summer when we'd want to use their pool. They'd never call us to just get together so maybe our problems go way back. But we would invite them for dinner or to meet for dinner once in a while. We never ever call one another, once in a blue moon. They use to only call his cell phone when they wanted to talk to him then biitch that he shouldn't use it in case he gets brain cancer from it.... Okkkk so call the house phone which now she does but he answers it and if he's busy I'll let it ring! They only call him when they want something. Altho since my dad has been sick she's been calling a lot for updates.
I'm terrible though because I've been joking with my parents about how Brent is sooooo good and nice to my parents and hasn't complained once about my mom being there already a month and probably for another 2-3 weeks. I said if this was the other way round i'd be like get your mother out of my house I don't care if your father is ill!! I'm joking of course
It must be all in-laws. I say all the time, when my child is married I am going to be the nicest mil!
Anyway, I don't really have a relationship with her. She doesn't call me - I don't call her. Everything goes between DH and his family. We rarely see them, and they live 20 min from us. We thought (I know DH hoped) things would change once DS arrived but it hasn't. She's never said "I'll come over to watch DS, so you 2 can go out." We have to ask....and there have been times where she said no!
She had babysat A several times before he turned 1. It came back to us from other family that "they only time she sees the baby is when we ask her to babysit" So I told DH to stop asking! You would think she (and fil) would want to see their only grandson?!?! It's like pulling teeth or always on their terms (at their house)
Don't get me wrong she is a very nice lady. But we have nothing in common. Never did. I am always polite and respectful when I am in their company. It is what it is!
BellaSposa just know you are not alone. I cannot imagine living with my inlaws. All you can do is try to make the best of whatever is going on. I hope your DH is supportive for you!
Our relationship isn't bad but we certainly aren't close either. MIL still thinks of her family as just FIL, N, and SIL and that me and BIL are kinda just extra. She has called for me once in 5 years and it was a question about a bris (since I'm the Jew). She only calls if she needs N to do something (her computer broke, her TV broke, etc). She says we have an open invitation to come for Sunday dinner which just means she never calls to specifically ask unless it's a birthday/holiday in which case she's upset if we have any other plans. N was very used to his parents ways but has since realized that they aren't always right. He was not the type to question things whereas I question everything (just my personality). I'm not sure how my relationship with MIL will be when we have children. I feel like it could really go either way. Thankfully they live 30 min away and she doesn't drive on a highway/Rt 17/Rt 4
I've said it before and I'll say it again we have very similar H's and in-laws to go with them!
Also during our 'convo' it was brought up about how I am an outsider/extra still after almost 15 years and I haven't earned the 'right' to talk about someone when they are. For example they can gossip about faux aunt but when I do it is bashing although we are ALL saying the same thing.
And when we brought up that they wrote just Brent a Christmas card and didn't put my name on it or give me a card... they said well Brent is their little boy and they reserve the right to do that... I said yeah he's not your little boy anymore diildos. Sorry got sidetracked.....