More vent-ish but really need advice

IlovemyAirmanforever

I know this is filled with drama and I am worried about my mothers well being. She has recently lost her ability to walk with out severe pain. I moved and before that I was the only person who took care of her with the help of my dad when he was home (not often). Now I have found out that my sister has left her alone while she ran off. My sister is 35. She left her with no water or food and she couldn't take her meds. She can't fix her own food or anything. I want my mom to live here so I can take care of her but she won't leave my dad alone. I can understand that. I am at a loss. I just want her to be well taken care of. I am adopted so I have several siblings. I could ask one of my brothers to take care of her but they are worse then my sister. What would you do? I know this is more for FM but I would rather your opinions.

MrsOjoButtons

I would think if your brothers were up to the challenge, they would have already stepped up. Is your dad alive? If so, can he get her food? Does she have running water? Does she have insurance? 

My opinion regarding her going to live with you is DON'T DO IT. You're a newlywed with your own family now and the place you came from sounds like it only served to hinder you.  

ETA I'm sorry your mom is I'm that situation. I know how helpless you feel, but I can assure you your growth as an adult will continue to be stunted if you allow yourself to get sucked back in.  

MallardDucky

You can hire a home health aid. If your mom has medicad or medicare you should be able to get it covered. They cook, clean, and help with meds and personal hygine.

You could also look into nursing homes.

I am sorry your sister did that, and I hope you can figure something out, but I agree with Ojo you are a newlywed and need to focus on that.

IlovemyAirmanforever

I was thinking if I paid them they would want to. They aren't her adoptive children just my half brothers but the one thats a year older then me would. Yes she has running water. My dad usually feeds her before he leaves but my sister was supposed to be there. No insurance. I worry about her. She is very sickly and she has epilepsy(sp?). I have taken care of her since I was nine. Not taking care of her is hard for me. I don't trust my family to take care of her except my dad and aunt or my older brother

IlovemyAirmanforever

She has always told me that if it got to where no one could help at home to put her in a nursing home. I just don't know if I could because my grandma was neglected resulting in her death.

Avion22

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

 If possible, I would look into a home healthcare nurse first.   It sounds like between your dad and siblings you might be able to make part-time care work.  But if she really needs 24/7 care, then it sounds like it might be time to look into a fulltime care facility.  I know it's hard, but do research to find the best place you can afford, and see if your siblings can pitch in to afford a nicer place.  Just remember that expensive doesn't necessarily  mean a place is any better, it all depends on the staff and how a place is managed.

 I know it's a really tough situation, but as long as there are other options I wouldn't recommend having her come live with you.

MrsOjoButtons

Please don't pay your brother to care for his own mother. Aren't you and your husband living on Airman pay? I've lived on that pay and had a spouse who didn't work and there was no wiggle room for paying caretakers. 

IlovemyAirmanforever

She is my adoptive mother not his. We have a good chunk we put in savings every month. H wouldn't mind if we paid for her care. He knew I would want to if it came to it. I know that is asking alot of him but he knows how much I care for her.

MallardDucky

You might want to look into state insurances for your mother. It sounds like she would qualify for social security and thus medicare and medicade.  With these programs you would be able to get  home health care.

Amaristella

I can imagine wanting to hire someone to help in home, part time, but I don't think that you should have to shoulder the costs alone. Your siblings and other family members should help pay.

ErikandAfton

MallardDucky:

You might want to look into state insurances for your mother. It sounds like she would qualify for social security and thus medicare and medicade.  With these programs you would be able to get  home health care.

I agree with this as well. 

I also think that a small care home, with few patients and a dedicated staff would be the best thing for her.

I'll keep your family in my prayers. I know how hard it is to want to be there to help take care of your mother when you can't be there all the time. Hugs. 

Brandienee85

My mother lives in a nursing home. It is really the best place for your mom if she isn't getting adequate care at home. I know how incredibly hard it is to come to that decision, and I know that the process of finding the right place can be daunting, but this is for her health and well being. She needs to be taken care of and your family just isn't cutting it.

Do not pay your brothers to do anything, they could just take your money and run. Nothing is going to make them want to take care of your mother. Not even easy cash.

And I agree with some of the PP's Look at some services to help get her care. Will her health insurance cover a home health aid? If not, look into Medicaid and Social Security. 

If you can't find a place to give her home aid, then get a quality run nursing home. 

meltoine

Usually, I'd say that you should absolutely take your mother in. DH and I agreed before we got married that when any of our parents become infirm, either one of us will move in with them temporarily (if it looks like a short-term thing) or they will come to us. I think that's a cultural belief though. H's family are immigrants and I'm second-generation. Nursing homes in general are a very American idea. However, thankfully, our parents come with the funds to pay for their own upkeep and we would just be doing some of the work, not paying for their food/meds/supplies/etc.

In your case, I would look into state aid to pay for a nursing home or a home health aid, like PPs have suggested. If her condition warrants it, Medicare/Medicaid will pay for either. Call the Medicaid office nearest your mom. They should be able to get you started. 

IlovemyAirmanforever

Thank you all for your advice it was very helpful. I came up with a plan for her care that I can trust to be followed. My family is willing to help so she will always have someone with her.

MrsAggie

I know you've come to a conclusion but just in case something falls through, I want to really stress looking into Medicaid or Medicare. You can have home health nurses come by and I've had fabulous experiences working with home health nurses. Also, have you ever heard of a program called "Meal on Wheels"? There's different local variations but they deliver food to people who are home bound and don't have the ability to shop for themselves. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions about resources.