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How do you handle the Holidays? Specifically, Christmas....
We have this Christmas settled (it's going to be EXHAUSTING but I'd rather it this way than not having anyone to see). Christmas eve eve dinner with IL's (immediate IL family only), Christmas eve 2PM gathering at my mom's with aunts/uncles/cousins/brother followed by my dad's at 5:30 for stew dinner with my whole father's side of the family followed by swinging by H's parents (with immediate family again) around 9PM to exchange gifts, I think. Christmas day, 1PM "dinner" at H's cousin's with all of his family followed by 6PM dinner at my mom's-just Mom, brother, H, and I (brother is joining the military so mom really wanted to cook Christmas dinner and us 4 be together as brother may not be home next Christmas or in the future since he'll travel so much).
The reason for the craziness: my parents are recently divorced (Dad is getting remarried and lives with his soon-to-be-2nd wife and her son) + we live ~10 minutes from all of H's family and ~1 hour from my family. Christmas eve is also my brother's birthday so those festivities are also for brother's birthday.
The reason for all the background is to hopefully receive suggestions from those with similar situations however all responses are appreciated! The only thing H and I have established is that we don't want to rotate years with each family (IE Thanksgiving with his/Christmas with mine switched each year). Last Christmas we hosted Christmas dinner but this didn't work for me because it only was able to include my mother and brother +all of H's family-dinner for 18 people-and we can't possibly hold many more.
While H and I can handle the craziness of this year, when we have children, they likely won't be able to without being extremely tired/cranky, I would assume.
Ideas please?? All I've come up with is having a casual style "open house" christmas eve and christmas with a buffet of food but even then, how do we juggle all of the different families/people without "kicking people out" when the next crew is about to come through?
I never imagined holidays would be so tricky to plan once I was married!
Re: How do you handle the Holidays? Specifically, Christmas....
I'm not caffeinated enough to keep everything you've got going on straight. I don't know how anyone could really enjoy themselves hopping parties so much. So, simply, here is what we do:
Our extended family gatherings are earlier or later in the month. Our immediate families each have a day. We requested this, we got tired of spending so much time on the road and clock-watching over Christmas Eve and Christmas day. The mom's were a little protective of this at first, but they like it now that they have grandchildren because it means they get a lot more dedicated time with their grandchildren during non-nap times. Also, we like that we have Christmas morning to ourselves with DS to have our own traditions and time to ourselves.
I didn't read the entire post, but I think it's ridiculous to go to more than one family on a single day.
Can you not do one family on christmas and the other's around christmas? and then just switch who gets christmas day every year?
This is what we do (and yes I realize there are less of us): H's family gets Christmas day this year, My folks pick a day around christmas so we can see them. Then next year My folks get Christmas day and we'll see H's folks a day they pick around christmas...no arguement, no questions we switch every year.
It's rotating, but it's not like you're rotating between christmas and thanksgiving.
Why are you putting yourselves through that many events just to please family? It sounds exhausting and miserable. Saying no doesn't have to start happening when you have children, it can start happening now.
I brought this up with H-rotate Christmas day/Christmas eve but he isn't fond of it. This is the only issue we just can't settle on. I personally think it's the most fair way to handle everything but H wants to see his family (at this point at least since it's just us with no children) on Christmas. That's fine, but I don't want to never see my family on Christmas again, just Christmas eve, so we end up back at square one. When we have children we've considered just renting a nice cabin in the mountains to spend Christmas as our own little family which I think is the best solution-but that's a few years away.
We're at least somewhat adjusted for it-Thanksgiving we had a Breakfast at 9am at Dad's, Thanksgiving lunch at Mom's at 12pm, and Dinner at H's parents at 4pm which went smoothly.
I really think our main issue is the timing. H's family used to do brunch with one side at 11am then dinner with the other at 4, but after people passed away/dynamics changed everything met in the middle with one gathering at 1PM. This makes it extremely difficult to comfortably fit anything else in (with a 1 hour drive to my family). Plus with my parents divorce we now have 3 families to see.
Summary:
Friday - DH's family
Saturday - Mom's extended family, Dad's family, then DH's family again
Sunday - Dh's extended family, then mom's w/ immediate family
Good grief.
You see DH's family 3 days in a row. That's a bit much. I'd absolutely cut out at least one of his "immediate" family get togethers. Probably the Christmas Eve one to give yourselves one last stop that night.
And I don't know that I see the need to see all your extended family every year. I get that it's new this year and you're trying to juggle everyone. But really - you and DH NEED to figure out what works for the two of you. Not everyone else. They will survive if they don't get to see you every year. Really - they will.
It's great that you're trying to think up ideas - open house, buffets, etc - but also realize that everyone may not necessarily want to come to your house. THere are a lot of traditions at play here, a lot of people. THat's why you need to focus on what you and DH want and realize that you're probably not going to get to see everyone every year and that thjis is o.k.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You're suddenly not going to want to see BOTH your mom and your dad AND his entire family on Christmas? Whats going to happen then is that 'we have kids and now it's even MORE important to us to spend the holidays WITH our family.".
And I really don't see why YOU and DH as a "little family" isn't a priority. Can you really tell me tha tyou're going to enjoy ALL this running around for 3 days?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to stop with the extended family get togethers, or at least push for them to be earlier or later in the year. DHs family won't do this, so we miss almost all of them, but my mom's family does the Saturday before and my dad's family does the weekend after and it makes it SO much better. I also don't understand why are you seeing your husbands parents twice -- can't you exchange gifts on the 23rd?
Our standard plan is to see my DHs immediate family the Sunday before (they live 3 hours away and we don't want to spend 6 hours in a car on a holiday), my family Christmas Eve, and we spend Christmas Day at home just the two of us. Usually my parents will stop by later in the evening for dinner since they are close.
I think a lot of people say this because it helps them think, "at some point this will change." without actually taking the steps to change it. The reality is that this situation will probably get worse (not better) once a kid is introduced. It seems OP has an issue here that her DH is not willing to compromise between the holidays and family time.
OP - Why does your husband insist on seeing his family 3 days in a row? Why is he unwilling to compromise here?
First of all, I think you need to stop thinking about "we only see my family on Christmas EVE, we need to see them on Christmas DAY" for it to count (from both you and H). That is rediculous thinking! It's part of the same holiday! I can see the eve being a "consolation prize" if it was never a day you celebrated, but clearly both of your sides have dinners, etc. on that day.
My thought is that your H really likes going to his cousin's / extended family party. That's fair if he doesn't want to miss it. However, I think there needs to be a time where you must choose between extended family and immediate family. I think one "family gathering" per holiday is enough, and you/dh get to choose whether it is immediate or extended (or, give dh two holidays, since your family will have two due to your parents divorce). Since dh's family is local, maybe you can meet at your ILS home on Christmas 1/2 hour before going to the cousin's gathering.
Also, while this year may be "special" for your mom with your brother's deployment, you will also need to choose between time with "extended" or "immediate" family on your mom's side. Just tell your mom, "look, I love you and love Christmas with you, but I have a husband and dad that I need to see as well. I can't have a dinner with you and then go and see Grandma/aunt the next day."
And honestly - - there is a whole week between Christmas and NY where you can have family come over to see the kids and open gifts. While Christmas is on the weekend this year, you can have an open house (vs. a sit down dinner) for your extended family on both sides.
To have a "Christmas-eve-eve" dinner with dh's immediately family, then going BACK to the house on "Christmas eve" at 9 pm to exchange gifts is beyond crazy! There is no reason gifts can't be exhanged at the Christmas eve-eve dinner. You're all together. If someone hasn't done shopping by that time, they can hand you something at the cousin's party.
You want to rent a cabin in the woods because the two of you can't or won't say no to any event. You need to put an end to your (and dh's) OWN inability to turn down an invite.
Originally we were seeing my family Christmas eve and I brought up swinging by H's parents that evening to do our little gift swap since Christmas day is hectic with all 16 family members (the large family all does SS so it's awkward/rude handing out other, bigger gifts). Yesterday MIL/FIL stopped by to see our Christmas tree and we went over plans. MIL wants to go to their church's Christmas service on the eve since she's usually skipped it to host their immediate family get-together/dinner. She asked if we'd be up for doing the dinner the night before Christmas eve which is fine-we don't have anything scheduled.
Later we saw my SIL and H's brother-SIL mentioned casually/in a joking manner that FIL doesn't want to go to the church service because he always liked having the family together then especially with the kids (they have 3 boys)-which made H think we should swing by after all. We probably won't end up doing this, it was a side comment last night that we never actually discussed and I just now realized we Would be seeing them 3 days in a row if we add this to our already long list which is just ridiculous.
My whole life we've done three Christmas celebrations on Christmas Day. It's a busy, fun day. We do immediate family from 7-9:30am, My dad's side from 10am-2 or 3pm, and my mom's side from 4 or 5-10pm. My parents and 98% of both sides of their families still live in their hometown. It wasn't until my H started attending and getting so overwhelmed with all the people & chaos that I realized it's not right for everyone.
If MH's family lived in the same state as us we'd definitely switch it up every year and see one family Thanksgiving and the other Christmas. And though it would take some getting use to; it would be okay. One of these years we will end up spending Christmas OOS with H's family. Right now it's not in the budget.
You & YH need to get on the same page about what you're going to do. If you're both fine with the craziness, good. If not, figure out something else that works.
I think that with a recent divorce there may be a lot of "proving" that you still love so&so and with maintain holiday time together, even though reality have significantly changed. Same theme with your marriage and DH saying he doesn't want to "not see" his family on Christmas day is a little unrealistic. If he sees them every year he either cuts your family out entirely or you have multiple trips. The solution really requires a little more reality and honesty. Overall, I see a lot of pressure for a lot of "precious family" memories in a lot of specific units.
And the point of ushering different groups in and out of your home is insanity. People don't get to arrive en mass with their little enclaves, the expectation is for them to mingle with whoever else wanted to come at that time - and act like grown ups.
My family is small, DH's is huge. We do a DH's family extended Christmas party the week before or after Christmas (this year it's this Sunday). Then we do Christmas Eve dinner with my inlaws, Christmas Day dinner with my side, and that's it. Holidays that aren't multi-day are tougher because there's more competition for a single dinner, but we've already given both sides a heads-up that next year we're going to start rotating who we see for Thanksgiving & Easter, and not go to both sides on the same day.
At one point our mothers had to have that conversation with our grandmothers, and now it's our turn. Kids grow up, we get our own families, and traditions change. It's the way of the world, and you'll get guilt at first but it's the only way to make sure you're not totally stressed and crabby on what should be an enjoyable holiday.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
This is in regard to your post and many others (including my own family)
Why do holidays/birthdays/anniversaries have to be spent ON THAT DAY. I can get away with spending birthdays on the weekend, but only if the actual day falls on a week day... this annoys me sometimes.
With so much going on, spread it out a little. Have some flexibility simply for the sake of peace of mind. You get to see everyone (eventually) and not run yourself ragged. IMHO I would never commit to a schedule like that. Yikes. Its too stressful in just reading it lol
Just my two cents....
I Completely agree, Doglove!
DH & I used to "juggle" our families and make sure everyone else was happy forgetting about our own tradition-starting & our own happiness.
This upcoming Christmas is actually the 1st Christmas that we both put our foot down & stood our ground. It feels awesome. I love knowing that with the holiday approaching, DH & I are able to do what *we* want.
My advice is just to worry about immediate family/whoever you & DH are closest to. Do what makes the two of you happy now - before kids, so that when the kids arrive, you will have already started those traditions.
DH & I go to my bff's parent's house for Christmas Eve dinner & bypass seeing the IL's. I know it sounds rude b/c they are indeed his parents, but neither of us are close to them & they only come out of the woodwork when it's the holidays. We'd both rather spend time w/people that we consider family & see throughout the year.
I haven't read all of the replies, so I'm sorry if some of this has already been said.
Here's our situation: H and I live across the country from almost every one of our relatives. Our parents are all a 5-ish hour plane ride away, and they're about 3 hours from each other so one giant visit isn't really feasible.
We do not travel for Christmas. At all. Anyone who wants to come to our house for any and all holidays is welcome, but so far that hasn't happened. (Granted, we've been in grad school for almost our whole marriage and have had really tiny houses.) We usually try to visit either a few weeks before or after Christmas, but we made a rule long ago that we are not going anywhere on Christmas day. The first couple of years were rough on both of us, but it's worked out pretty well.
The way we see it, since our parents don't live near each other, somebody is going to have to not see their parents on Christmas, so it was most fair that nobody did (or that we had a 3 hour road trip in the middle of the day, which neither of us saw as a great option.) Furthermore, I know how hard it is to have this fight with two families and how it makes the whole season so stressful. I don't want that to be the memory I have of my child's first Christmas, when we eventually have children.
Good luck. I know this is hard.
H and I live 20 minutes from each of our parents, and they live 30 minutes from each other. Before we got engaged, I spent Christmas Eve at my parents with our extended family and we went to church, opened gifts there with my immediate family in the morning and then we would go to my aunt's house. H's family didn't do anything on Christmas Eve, went to church Christmas morning, opened gifts, then had people over at 7 or 8 at night.
Now that we're married we spend Christmas Eve with my family, do gifts with them early in the morning on Christmas, then we head to the 11am church service with his parents, spend the afternoon on our own, and have dinner at my ILs Christmas night. In theory we could still go to my aunt's house since we have all afternoon free, but that much driving is just nuts. Also, we wanted to establish a schedule that we can maintain when we have kids. This way we see both families and carry on their normal schedule for the holidays (we lucked out since my family celebrates holidays early and his celebrates late at night) and also have a nice 7 hour gap on Christmas when we'll be ale to enjoy time alone with our kids.
While I can see making exceptions for special situations (like your brother enlisting), you guys should really start to cut back. Personally I find Christmas more fun when there are kids around, so I wouldn't be surprised if people want to see you even more when there are kids in the picture.
We spend time with my family for Christmas Eve and my husband's family for Christmas Day. The rest of our families live out of state so coordinating Christmas isn't too difficult. But, for all of the people you have that you want to try and see for the holidays - I would maybe try planning a rotation. Select one family to see for Christmas Eve and one for Christmas Day each year and rotate them. The rest you can see just before the holidays on other days. I can't imagine that it would really allow you to enjoy the holidays constantly having to be a time schedule and what real quality time are you getting with those you're visiting with if by the time you get there you have to turn around and leave again?
Wow that sounds crazy! You must be a saint to do all that running around on the holidays.
In response to your question about how others handle the holidays, my answer is that H and I...don't :-p. We made a promise to each other to ALWAYS spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together with just as (and one day just us and our kids). Neither one of us wants to ever let the holiday travel craziness cause more stress than needed on the holidays. My family is 100% on board and have always felt the same way. We NEVER traveled around on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning save for one Christmas when my grandfather was very sick and my grandmother, knowing it would likely be his last Christmas, asked my mother to bring us up for a visit on Christmas day (they were 2 hours from us at the time).
We plan to visit my family sometime over the Christmas weekend (they are only an hour from us) and visit his family (a plane trip away) sometime in the spring. ILs are not crazy about it but H holds firm on our decision and she has complied with it provided we make sure we visit in the spring, which we fully plan on doing.
My advice is to do what works for you. Personally, I could not handle that craziness and H and I promised each other that we wouldn't ever put ourselves in that kind of situation unless extraordinary circumstances were present. Stress always seems to put a damper on the holidays even when you don't intend for that to happen.
Apparently he hasn't yet figured out that YOU are now his family and what matters is enjoying the day with you, not driving all over and feeling stressed by an impossible schedule.
We rotate x-mas and usually host who ever wants to show up for T-giving. But, we've also made it very clear to our extended familes that there will come a x-mas when we decide to not go anywhere. Of course it probably was easier for us since we had established ourselves as independent adults and both had spent x-mas apart from our parents before marriage.