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In-laws and our first Christmas as a married couple
Ok, I need a bit of advice on how to tackle this one....my husband and I are at odds...
My husband and I were married this summer and this will be our first Christmas as a married couple. In years past, we have spent Christmas Eve with his side of the family and Christmas Day with my side of the family. His Mom does a big Christmas Eve dinner and my sister is doing Christmas Day this year. Since Christmas is on a Sunday, we are driving 2 hours to his parents house on Friday night, staying Friday & Saturday, and leaving Sunday early-afternoon, when we will drive an hour to my sister's for dinner.
Our problem is that his extended family may not all be able to get togther on Christmas Eve, like usual, b/c some may have to work (still don't know their work schedules). My husband would like to stay later on Sunday on the off-chance that a few of those working on Saturday may be able to stop by and say "hi". He is worried he will not spend "quality time" with enough of his family.
I want to get to my sisters house when we are invited, at 3pm, and stay for dinner. So we are basically arguing over a 2-hr timeframe where he feels like Im going to be rushing him out his parent's door to head to my family and I feel like I'm already spending the majority of the weekend at his parents house and I can't help it if some of his family members are working and unable to make it to Christmas Eve dinner. They have Friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning to say "hi" if its that important. I want to be able to arrive at my sister's house at the time she has invited everyone.
Obviously this caused a major issue last night - he thinks its not fair that he doesn't get to spend quality time with his family for Christmas & I feel like he is trying to unfairly take more time away from me and being with my family because of it. Am I being wrong here by thinking that I can't help that his family may be working? We are basically spending the whole weekend there anyway, for pete's sake! Ugh. And this is the reason the holidays create stress!!!!
Re: In-laws and our first Christmas as a married couple
I think the two of you are spending more than adequate time at his parent's house. You can't control who is or isn't at IL's for the big, traditional, Christmas Eve meal. If you two were missing that, then I might be able to throw your DH a bone and say to stay a little longer here or there to make sure you got to see everyone. BUT, you're right - you two are there for enough time for everyone to make their way to see you.
I also don't understand why DH is holding his ground on a 2-hr time frame? You two were planning on staying until the early afternoon Sunday anyway, so does DH think a quick 1hr-long visit with some of his family members is going to count as a quality visit? I just don't see why he's arguing this? Maybe if it was staying for a day's-worth or possibly a few hours (if you had no plans w/your sister, then leaving Sunday evening instead of early PM), but I just don't get the "Let's stick around for another 1hr or so to squeeze in some hello's with my family so we can be late to your entire family's gathering".
No, I think you've got a point and DH is being a tad insensitive. You're right, he gets a weekend, and if he wants to see everyone, he should start calling/emailing them letting people know when you'll be there if they want to come see you and work within the Friday/Saturday time frame.
My in-laws and the majority of my DH's friends live 5 hours sw of us. Before we leave - like a week before - we call, email, & text his people that we'll be in town and for how long. If we don't get to see someone, it's not a huge deal - schedules didn't mesh and we'll catch them next time. Sometimes - rarely, which is my beef with them - they come see us.
He needs to respect your need to see your family as well, follow the above and get over it.
You are right, he is wrong. You have every right to spend " quality time" with your family just as much as he does. I mean to make you miss Christmas dinner with your family on the off chance someone from his EXTENDED family might come by is highly unfair, selfish and disrespectful.
His family has the weekend, your's only a portion of Christmas day. He needs to suck it up and go with you to your family's celebration.
If he can't see that and if he gives you a hard time about it, well I really don't know what else to say.
I don't get your DHs arguement at all. He's getting 2.5 days w his family. Your getting dinner w yours, and he's pitching a fit about not getting enough quality time with his??? Um, what about your family?
Im on your side on this. And I agree - if it's oh so important to see his extended family, then he can start making plans now w them w/in the timeframe you'll be there
Hes amazingly selfish to cut into your familys time o the "chance" someone from his side stops by.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If seeing you and dh were important to dh's extended family, they would make the effort to be at MILs house before you leave.
If you want, tell DH that on Christmas morning you will leave MILs house early and drive to the home of any relative that he wants to see but won't make it to MILs - - as long as the two of you arrive at your sister's at 3 pm on Sunday. Most likely, your DH will turn down this offer (or his relatives will be "busy" and not able to entertain you).
Your DH is being rude. You 2 are spending 2 NIGHTS with his family? Am I reading that right? Then he wants MORE time although you have plans to eat dinner and spend the evening with your family for one evening?
Dude. No way.
I wish when my husband and I first got married, or even while we were dating/engaged and planning holidays, that I had put my foot down. Now every year I am "expected" to stay at his mother's for Christmas Eve. I don't get asked it's just accepted. It's ridiculous and finally this year I blew a gasket!
Do yourself a favor and put your foot down now. If you don't it will go on until you finally explode and then you'll just look like a lunatic, I know this from experience. And he is definitely not being fair but begrudging you a few hours with your family after an entire weekend with his.
Do what I'm insisting we do next year- make your own tradition. They'll either come to you or can Skype.