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Christmas / Estranged Sister how would you deal?
Not really sure if I need advice or just to vent.
At the beginning of 2011 one of my sisters and I had a falling out.Christmas is coming and we will be in the same house for the first time since this incident so I'm prepared to be ignored but not sure how to really "deal" with the unknown dynamic of Holly Jolly time with this discord still unresolved.
My family is not nor ever has been dramatic and has always been close. So this is a big deal and I tried (pushed actually; probably too hard) to resolve the issue but she completely disengaged. I even reached out to her husband because I didn't want any long standing issues. I apologized for my part etc, but she has never responded to anything from those attempts. Like she didn't even get the messages. Her husband said 'she'll talk when she's ready". Well...it's been close to a year and NOTHING. I obviously stopped pushing after a few days and once I knew she at least GOT the messages.
She admits freely she has a "black heart" and that at her new job people refer to her as the "ice princess/queen". So since it apparently doesn't matter to her that she has basically lost a sibling, I am not sure I should care, but I do. I'm a softie
Thanks for any perspective, advice, etc you can give.
Re: Christmas / Estranged Sister how would you deal?
My brother and I have never had a falling out, but we will never be close. I'm the younger sibling, looked up to him as a kid and would always try to be around and have a relationship with him. He can't be bothered, for him his friends have always been more important. I have just come to realize that it will just never happen. He is selfish and treats everyone in our family like he has treated me. It just took me a long time to see it.
I don't know the reason why you and your sister had a falling out but I would still go to your family Christmas and enjoy seeing the rest of your family. You can't make someone want to have a relationship with you. It's taken me 14 years to realized that.
What do you want to do? - say hello or ignore her back?
If she ignores you throughout the day, will it hurt you- Or be okay? Would you disucss the issues on day Christmas if she engaged you- would it be heated?
I suppose both of you should plan to be polite and not make everyone else uncomfortable. I suppose I would devise an exit plan if her coldness upsets you or if she tries to create drama.
What do you want to do if she ices you out?
I would give what I get basically. If there was a hello, I'd be pleasant and say hello as well. But I know how she operates with people when she is upset or doesn't like them. She talks to the air if that makes sense. Kinda out loud to no one inparticular. No eye contact. There will be enough people there that there will not be one on one interaction per se.
I just hate awkwardness. I have a nephew (very young too young to know what is going on) and I hate that I won't get to have much if any relationship at all with him because of this strife. She didn't invite me to his bday this past year. Didn't come to my SS's bday that they were invited to.
I really would like to resolve things, but Christmas is not the setting to attempt to confront and work on things. She wouldn't create drama, just "ice" me and DH out as you said. I'm fine with that for one day. I won't miss out on my time with the rest of the family because of it.
All I can really say is to respect her. Plan to be civil and polite to her, but dont be surprised if she doesn't acknowledge you. I'm sure it will hurt, but do your best to focus on the rest of your family and enjoy your time w them.
If she were actually to try and talk to you about the issue, I'd actualy tell her that this isn't the time or place but that you'd be happy to meet a her another time (but don't expect this to happen)
Its pretty sad that she describes herself has having a black heart and seems to like being the ice queen. This tells me she's built up some really big walls around herself for some reason.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you want to make peace I would try to do so without forcing it. Say hi, give her a smile, but don't push too hard.
Whatever the issue is...is it over with, or is it an ongoing issue?
You can not change someone else's behavior.
You have reached out. You have tried. If she doesn't want to resolve this, you can't force a resolution. Don't even bring it up at the gathering.
Be prepared to be polite and civil. That may be the best thing at the moment.
Be prepared to receive a peace offering.
If things become contentious, do not escalate. Just tell her that you guys can meet or discuss it at another time. Don't make this Christmas about your feud.