Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A sad Christmas
My husband's uncle just passed away. He was close with him, and this is also the first person my husband has ever lost. The funeral was today and he's having a rough time dealing with everything. I trying to do my best and stay strong for him, but sometimes I'm not sure what to do or say. Any advice would be comforting. Thank you.
Re: A sad Christmas
Sorry to hear this.
My advice would be to just let your DH do whatever he needs to do. If he needs to vent, let him vent. If he needs to cry, don't try to stop him.
In my opinion, I think one of the worst thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to try to prematurely cheer them up. It's kind of a natural thing because we hate to see the ones we love in pain, but for example, when your spouse who is at a wake says,"This F'in sucks! I miss him so much!" the right response is "Yeah. It does, baby. I'm so sorry" then hug him.
The wrong thing to do is to say, "Oh, it's not that bad! You had 29 good years with your Uncle Joe! Just remember the good times! It's God's will!" and put on a fake smile. It comes of as SO insincere.
The other amazing thing someone did for me once while I was mourning was to say to me, "Here's the deal. If you want to talk about your family member. I'm here 100%. But if you want to talk about anything BUT your family member and want me to distract you with the latest Jessica Simpson gossip, I'm all in on that, too." Because, she was right. Some times I needed the distraction. And when I'd "remember" my grief during the distraction, she knew to stop and switch over to sad mode with me.
In essence, just let him know you're there for him, and don't be afraid to feel things in the moment with your DH.
Let him grieve, show your support. Maybe do something that he loves with him if he wants to take his mind off the situation. If he just wants to mourn, let him vent and show your support.
Also, I agree with PP that you shouldn't try to cheer him up prematurely. I've had people try to do this to me when I lost someone, and it only feels worse and discounts your feelings.
Just let him grieve in his own way. Be supportive, and ditto pp- let him vent, cry, or just withdraw for a few days.
I am sorry for your DH. I lost my uncle a few years ago (very fast and he was only 64) and the best thing my DH did was give me space to kind of work through the grief.
Have you lost someone close to you?
My advice is to really pay attention to how he's dealing with it and follow his lead. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't bring it up. If he wants to talk about it, let him talk. Comfort him and support him, but don't try to be too comforting (don't force words you think he may want to hear).
For example, I lost my father right after I turned 27. We were very very close. A girl I know tried to be comforting by telling me that her grandfather had died of cancer and she "understood" how hard it was. I wanted to punch her in the face. I know she was trying to relate because she thought it would help, but hearing about a 90 year old losing his fight with cancer was almost offensive when my dad was only 54. So be careful that you don't bring up losing a pet, or a grandparent, or someone you knew in an effort to show him that you understand what he's going through. If you haven't had a comparable experience, the best thing would be to stick to "I am so sorry for your loss" or "I can't imagine the pain you're feeling" or something like that.
But really, I would just be there for him. Be patient, be comforting and just be there when he needs you.