i am having a bit of a xmas dilema and would appreciate some feedback.
for the past month+ my mil has been dropping hints that she plans on hosting xmas dinner at my house. she insists that i will have to do nothing and she will take care of everything. my mil does not cook, clean, or plan. ever
for my baby shower she had my dh order/pick up take out and paid housecleaners.
everytime she has brought up xmas i have politely stated that i am not sure what we will be doing for xmas because my edd is the 28th so i could be just about to pop or have just had the baby. my preference would be to not do anything for xmas. i understand that if the baby is here that my ILswant to spend the 1st xmas with their 1st grandchild, however, if i have just given birth i do not really want ppl over. i dont want to have to clean the house. or get dressed up with hair and make up and all that jazz and i certainly dont want to have to clean uo after every leaves while trying to adjust to having a newborn.
i felt like i
Re: struggling to be heard
.....had been clear but this morning mil emails me about what time they are coming over for xmas. i dont know how to be more clear without coming off like a flaming b*** that wants to hog their granddaughter. but as a first time mom i have no idea how i will feel after labor or when i get home. i dont know if i will be up to guests and i dont want to lock myself into anything.
i dont want to hurt their feelings but i also want to feel heard and have what i need honored.
help please.....
I think your DH needs to step and lay down the law. Tell your mil that while you appreciate the effort, you do not plan on doing anything as you may have a baby! Tell her that you can celebrate it after the baby comes.
Honestly, DH needs to come in and talk to his mom and set your boundaries. The more you delay or say nothing, she will assume every is ok and will plan accordingly.
How does your DH feel about this?
I am not trying to be harsh-just truthful. The earlier you start setting boundaries, the easier it will be for all of you involved.
You will probably have to repeat these boundaries until she gets it.
he is a typical only child. he wants to please his parents. and he feels bad bc its not like she can shift holiday plans to be with another one of her cildren or grandchildren bc she has none.
i know what you mean about setting boundaries and i thought i had been doing that by explaining that we werent making solid plans with anyone including my family. i just feel like i almost have to get nasty to be heard and i dont want to do that bc i really do like his parents. i just feel like mil in particular has gone into possessive mode during this pregnancy and when it comes to the new baby.
i plan on sitting down with dh when he gets home but i dont want it to come off like i am trying to snub his family during the holidays
IMO this is impossible if DH isn't on board but...
I'd respond to her e-mail with something along the lines of "I'm glad to know your plans for Christmas but, once again, we are not prepared to make any plans at this time so I encourage you to make contingency plans and we hope to have a better idea of what we'll be up for by Christmas Eve and we'll let you know then."
I remember having a one hour rule for locals during those 1st weeks...I did not make any plans or commitments before then. You could call an hour before you wanted to arrive and I'd say yay or nay. I wish that could have been true for ILs too.
Best of luck to you!
dh just got home. we talked. he said he spoke with his mom today to discuss xmas. he told her all plans were soft and we weren't commiting to anything. this was before i had even mentioned her earlier email. i feel much better knowing that he stood up for what i wanted without having to get into it.
hoping she got the message and that will be the end of it. thanks for the advice everyone!
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i can totally relate. mil lost 8 pregnancies before dh was born so he is her EVERYTHING!!!!!! and gets very clingy. i am proud of my dh for doing what needed to be done without me having to be the bad guy
I'm glad dh said something to her, that's great. I also think you can find a way to say it politely that wont be too harsh: I'm very excited about Christmas this year with a new baby (here or on the way). Being that this is my first child, I really want to take it easy in the first few weeks and I don't want to push myself too hard. I think it is best that we do not plan anything formal to take place at our house for a while.
Something like that...
Good luck with your MIL and most of all, congrats on the new baby-on-the-way
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thank you for the advice everyone. i know i will have to be firm and set boundaries with all visitors and especially family that thinks they are entitled to baby time.
i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and thank you again for the advice.
Speaking as a woman who had the EDD of 12/28 and HAD my son 12/25.....
Please note that I had a difficult pregnancy and was "in labor" for 3 weeks prior to giving birth and had GD. So some of my decisions were due to that.
I made my intentions extremely clear to everyone that I loved them and that everything is out of my hands and they just have to suck it up and accept that. I missed ALL holiday celebrations as I was admitted and in full active labor for 25+ hours prior to him entering the world at 2:14am.
I had a sit down with DH and told him that now that he would be a dad that it was time for him to man up and lay down the law with his mom (at that time I was irrationally freaked out about her being overbearing about the baby, but she has been nothing but fabulous ever since he got here! I realize this is different from your situation and am not trying to diminish that in any way with my comments about my irrational thoughts).
So my suggestion...
Tell DH to grow a pair and be a father and husband and son. Seriously, it is HIS mother...and HIS son, and HIS wife. You need to focus on only you and the kiddo at this point and he needs to focus on making yours and baby's life smooth and stress free. So what if he is worried about her feelings...he is gonna have to learn how to stand up to his mom because she is not raising your baby, HE is. So right now sounds like a perfect time for him to start making the right choices for HIS family.
I may sound harsh...but seriously..this is absurd. You shouldn't be dealing with this, this woman sounds a little nutty to be expecting a full-term mom-to-be to be hosting christmas....even if she plans to do everything the mere fact of it being in your home is stressful. Seriously, wtf is she thinking????
Even if you are 2 weeks overdue...it doesn't matter, you are in the final stages of your emotional preparation. Tell your DH he needs to field all MIL calls/emails/etc and that she needs to give up christmas hopes this year...and guess what...if your LO is a christmas baby....like mine...every year will never be about her or her wants ever again because guess what...it will be about LO and hang her and her ideas of how holidays should be.
Oh and for what it is worth...having a Christmas baby is awesome because you now get to do the holidays on your terms because you get to design it around your child and your family and people just accept it because they feel like your kid is getting gyped out of a Birthday...and in reality they are not because you make it your mission to make the day special.
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EJ is growing up too fast!
Oh, and perhaps this is just me but I loved having family come over after EJ was born. They usually brought lunch/dinner and held him so I could eat with both hands and cleaned up the meal after us. It was great.
We got lucky, our families were really good at recognizing our space and our need to be a little family, but we let them in because they are part of the family too and you will probably feel like we did....
When you watch your parents or IL's hold your child...and watch them look at your child...you get this intense rush and understanding of how they felt and acted with you and it makes you feel so incredibly special and loved and it makes it even more easy to allow them to hold this amazing little person in your life.
Do not be afraid to ask people to do things for you...it took me a little to get over it and actually ask if my mom could do things around my house to help me out while I fed EJ or hold him so I could do something around the house like put away laundry or start a load, etc. My mom would come and do some of EJ's laundry each week just to help out so I could nap with EJ...it was so cool.
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EJ is growing up too fast!