Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Feeling guilty: Homeless family member
I reserve the right to DD later. However, I wanted to get IN's opinion. To help you understand, I have given a bit of the history of the situation.
My Dad's side of the family has always had issues. My grandparents kicked him out when he was 16 because he was too expensive (they just couldn't afford three children). My dad is self-made and has done really well for himself and his family. He has never had a great relationship with his family who have ever only called when they wanted something.
My grandparents, mainly my grandma, used money as a weapon (we will give you money to get married and then would hit my cousin's with the big wooden knife and spoon in the rear, but it was okay because they gave you money). This is one example, but the one I remember vividly from growing up. That was their reasoning, I am aware it has no logic pattern.
My parents never accepted any money from them and we never spent time alone with my grandma or grandpa (although my grandpa never said two words) without my Dad. My dad has two siblings. Each have issues, but my Aunt is the worse. My Aunt and Uncle have been on assistance for nearly 15 years now. My uncle hasn't worked since he lost his manufacturing job nearly 15 years ago. He has been offered work, but didn't want to. My Dad was able to actually find him a decent job years ago, but he refused to work when he had severance. My aunt worked in a call center until two years ago when in relocated.
Neither of them have more than a HS degree. We have kept our distance (my Dad and my whole family). I haven't seen them since my wedding five years ago. Over the years my parents have given them money, but they don't have enough to fix their issues. A few hundred here, a few hundred there.
My great aunt was paying for nearly everything until she died in November 2010, to by honest, my aunt was just taking it. My great aunt didn't know any better. My Aunt has committed fraud with my grandma's pension checks after my grandpa died in 2007. My dad sorted all that out. It is a bad situation, and mainly of their own making.
On Thursday, my mom told me my aunt called my dad sobbing at work. Apparently, my cousin's DH kicked out my aunt and uncle. They had been living with them for a year after they lost their government house, I don't know why they lost he. All we know is they kicked them out. Last I knew my cousin, her DH and two daughters were also on assistance.
They needed money. My dad went to the ATM, took out money and they came to his office and he gave it to them and told them that was it. My mom said on Tuesday the Salvation Army will be giving them housing -- I don't know the details.
I feel awful for my parents, especially my dad. My aunt and uncle have been taking and taking for years. Including stealing from my great aunt and committing fraud from my grandma's pension checks as the survivor after my grandpa death that should be paying for her care.
I don't know what to do. We live very far away. We work really hard and are fortunate.
I think I am going to make a donation to salvation army, but I feel guilty and bad for my dad. What would you do? Should I be doing anything different? My aunt and uncle are essentially homeless.
Re: Feeling guilty: Homeless family member
It doesn't sound like there is much you can do. With people like that, you could give them everything they need but as soon as you turn your back they mess it up and are right back in the same position. There just comes a point where you have to say "Look, I've done all I can. Come back to me when you're ready to fix yourself."
Until they come to you and say "Help me find a job and get my life back in order." this will keep happening.
It's very nice of you to donate to the Salvation Army. They are a wonderful organization and really need funds.
Rambley Blog
Just don't feel guilty that you can't fix the problem. You never would be able to no matter how much money you had. They are their own problem. They have to fix themselves. They are the ones making choices, taking bad actions, or refusing to put any effort into actual positive action. If you tried "fixing" then they would just repeat the cycle of abusing what is given to them.
I think your idea of a donation to the Salvation Army sounds good. You could even make it in your aunt and uncle's name, and give them a card. Send them a message that you want to support their recovery efforts but are not going to enable their bad choices.
There really is nothing you can do unless they actually fix their life themselves. Maybe they really do need to hit rock bottom before they decide to make a change. Some people are like that. Maybe they'll just never change. Some people just don't and really don't care all that much. It sounds like your dad/family has done everything they could to help them and now they just need to figure it out themselves.
A donation to the SA (in their name, or just from you) is really nice, and if that makes you feel better, by all means do it. But as one of the PPs said: You can't help people unless they want to help themselves.
My food blog
What I'm looking forward to in 2012:
Eating our way through (northern) Italy on vacation
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DI agree. I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation and I'm sure you'd love to just be able to fix it for your family, but it really sounds like they've had their chances and been given a lot. Right now, they need to sort out what they're doing in their lives themselves, y'know?
I think the donation is a lovely idea and super thoughtful.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks