Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I told my H to treat with me respect or...
H and I went to counseling yesterday and he admitted to purposefully being an a$$ for four days because he was mad I took my son to see my family. I told him that I was willing to work on the marriage and try to make it work if he was willing to treat with me respect and care. It's up to him but I am not sticking around to be his punching bag. I told him I didn't want an answer today (yesterday now) but that I wanted him to think about what it would mean if he couldn't do this one thing for me. He's going to give me his answer tonight. I'm prepared to leave. 4 days to Christmas and I may be seperated by then. I was clear and I felt so much better after I said my peace. I hope I can hold on to that strength when I'm actually in the conversation.
Re: I told my H to treat with me respect or...
Just out of curiosity, does he treat other people with respect, and just not you for some reason? Or does he not really treat anyone with respect, including you?
I imagine the answer to this question will be something of a gaze into the crystal ball when it comes the likelihood that marriage counseling will do any good here.
Is he ready to get a real job and just do the photography as a hobby/ side business? Is he ready to stop blaming you for his problems?
I'm sorry, I know it's insanely difficult to think about ending your marriage, but he has been awful to you & putting the blame on you for years- do you really think he can make the changes you need him to?
ETA- I realize photography is a real profession for a lot of people, but not for him.
I'm not saying this is the fix to our marriage I am saying this is what I need from him to continue with this process at all. In essence: I will only continue to work on our problems if you start treating me with respect. If not, then we are done. I felt like it was my line in the sand.
To fussbucket: he has issues with everyone in his life and it is something I've helped him with over the years to become more tactful and less judgemental. He was working on it but now doesn't seem to care. Stupid me I know.
To Muddled: Actually this felt like the first decision I've made in a long time. I finally put my foot down, put the responsibility where it belongs - on him, and took back control. It is very simple. He either can or he can't. We all know the reality here but then it is on him to own it. I can't control if he will take responsibility or not but I will be at peace with knowing I was clear and firm.
So, if he treats you with respect he can sit on his a$$ for another 2 years?
Yeah, I don't think I'd want to be with a person... even if he treated me with respect... who needed to be HELPED to treat others with an ounce of compassion.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
So, what happens if he says that he will change. Do you buy what he's selling?
I'm glad that you are feeling strong and empowered at the moment, but to me, it still seems like you are leaving things in his hands.
You have threatened to leave if he says he can't respect you, but what if he says he can? You sit there and take it until you talk yourself into making another threat? You are letting him say, 'yes, please stay,' or 'no, F you.' When are you going to take responsibility? Why don't you just go because you know it's best for you? Maybe you give him a second chance after he's had some time to work on this or maybe you don't, but you call the shots instead of giving him the choice.
I don't know all the details of your talk, of course, but I just see it differently than you do. I mean, you did say that it was up to him. Either way, I hope that things improve for you, however it happens.
Absolutely the first step is to treat you respectfully. The second step is to give him a timeline. He needs to get a job by _ time and you need to witness him making an effort to get a job within this timeline.
He does need to realize that you mean business. He also needs to show you change if you are going to be moving together with him. Certainly I think his behavior in the last few years was atrocious but maybe he needed a good kick in the pants which until now you were unwilling to do. You have definitely let this go on too long so you have some responsibility in this as well. It is good that you are taking the power back. Continue with the therapy. He has an even larger part in this situation than you. Let him become accountable and if he won't then you know what you have to do. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Is he always an A$$ when you visit family or friends? Kinda sounds like a control thing to me.
I would ask why you are giving him a chance now, but I think I kind of get it. This is his LAST chance to turn things around. right???
This! And, no wonder his photography business isn't successful! You HAVE to have fantastic people skills, or at least know how to act like you do to run a business like this! If you don't make your customers feel welcome, special, and particularly for weddings, beautiful - no matter HOW good you are, people aren't going to want to deal with you.
Basically Yes to all the questions asked of me, yes this is his last chance for me to be willing to work it out, yes I realize he will most likely fail but at least I know I was clear with my needs, yes, I know that his lack of people skills was a huge problem with him and this business (also discussed when we started the process) and yes I know I have a ton of responsibility about my lack of guidelines and length of time for me to realize what was really going on. The last item is one of the main reasons why I'm willing to continue. This isn't all his fault and now that I have changed my expectations, he has to have a chance to respond to them, good or bad. I am willing to do that as long as he treats me with basic respect and care. (which he agreed to and so far so good)
I chose this man and I knew a lot of his flaws when we got married. I didn't think I would change him but he was open about certain issues he had and his efforts to be different were always evident until recently. I realize that the odds of success here are very low and that a lot of you would already be cutting your losses and rebuilding but I'm not ready to do that yet. I still have hope, stupid or not, that he is still the same man behind all this garbage. I think it is worth the reward to give him the chance.
On a side note, he also agreed to personal counseling and has had his first emergency session. The Dr gave him a depression evaluation and gave him a 45 out of 50. 50 being pretty damned depressed. He swears he has no thoughts of self hurt but that everything else he scored really high on. The Dr has started him on antidepressants and he has his next meeting the first week in January. It is a start.