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I think H is trying to gaslight/manipulate me ...
Actually I know he is....
Lets see I will start with last night . I get a call from him on his way home. Well He just got paid so he needs to go grocery shopping . Well he said " I am not going to the stores tonight . " I was"Okay well we still need to go shopping . He said "we can go Friday". " You do realize that's the day before Christmas eve right? " Yeah" .
Then I get a call 5 minutes later " Do we need anything from Wal-Mart? " " I thought you didn't want to go shopping tonight." "well I needed one thing. Do we need milk?"
Ummmm WTH?
Then later on that night H received a phone call . It was from my MIL. I heard H say something like "we will bring the cranberry sauce ." I asked him what was up and he said " Oh we are bring the CS to dinner ." Me" Um you do realize we already had plans for dinner right? What time are they having dinner?" H " IDK, Well go over there probably around 1pm. Then stay for dinner . "
( Little back story , The plans for the day before this situation were church until 10:30-11am, Then 2 pm Early Dinner with a big group of church friends. Then we still need to schedule my family , his family, our opening of presents, SS nap which is usually 3-4:30pm H is a procrastinator . )
Me " Well don't forget X's dinner at 2pm. H" Oh well I guess were not going to X's dinner party." Me" Then why did you tell them you were going to be there." H " well I didn't " Me " Yes you did . I was there."
I walked away at this point . Then later on . I said something along the lines of" " You need to call X then and tell them well be over but not on time." Then he said something along the lines of "well I never told X I was going." Me " yes you did . When they told you you didn't say " oh no I can't go were going to my parents .( they have been talk about this dinner party for months) . H " well I guess we're not going to X's party. " ( Um if his parents eat at 5 pm , we could make both places but H wants to be at ILs at 1pm. )
Then I basically told him he was a self center douchebag . H " If you don't like it then leave" ME " Thats exactly why I am getting a Divorce." H " Im waiting on you " Me " WTF does that mean ? " H " Never mind" .
So I am out watching TV on the couch ( where I also now sleep) . H keep coming out into the kitchen and all sorts of stuff. Well I finally turn off the tv and lay down and I hear H open the door and I can see him stand by the door. I am like" What? " and he just goes back in the room and closes the door.
Sorry that was long. I was like wth? Waiting on me to what ? Leave? File for divorce? Leave your sorry As*? So you can tell everyone that it was my fault? HUH? WTH?
Re: I think H is trying to gaslight/manipulate me ...
The first story seems just silly. Your H needed something from the store, so he called to see if you needed anything. bfd
The holiday plans...that's miscommunication on both your parts I think. And, frankly, this kind of stuff will happen a lot when you're trying to get to different family/friend events on Christmas.
It sounds like you both suck at communicating in a respectful way with each other.
But it also sounds like you're ready to wash your hands of this. An I right here, or is this something you want to work on?
Actually I see a Lawyer in the beginning of January . So Hopefully it will go smoothly and I will be divorced by Mid Feb. H is a horrible communicator and procrastinator . I mean you can tell/ask him to do something for months everyday and he still wont "remember" .
During TG we were invited to another dinner party and we had talked about this dinner party every time we saw this person (3x a week) for probably about 3 months and H still swears no one said anything to him about the party . Um yes you were there every time and even talked about it to them .
We have even gone to therapy and he hasn't taken anything from it. I am so over this basically now I am just waiting to sign some papers.....
When you're done with someone, the smallest things can seem like big deals, even when they're not. The first one definitely falls into this category. The second one, ehhhhh.
Instead of playing this giant game of chicken with each other, just file and be done. That's the adult thing to do.
Yeah i plan on going to our friends party. Its just alot harder when we only have the one truck right now.
Dude, just go to the party on your own and stop even trying to interact with him other than whatever is absolutely necessary. Do not try to engage in any arguments or reasoning with him, just go about your own damn business and GTFO of there ASAP.
So are you planning on seperating??
Why can't you do both things? Did you suggest doing both things?
Or why can't you go to the friends thing and then meet him at his parents? or not even go to his parents if you're not staying together anyway?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
call on of the other people going "hey can I get a ride with you to the dinner party? okay, thanks"
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You know what would stop this? Moving out.
You want a divorce, you told him you want a divorce, now it's time to leave. I don't understand the point of trying to plan Christmas together like you're one big happy family when you clearly aren't. He doesn't respect you and you don't like spending time with him. Why are you still doing all this?
I get that it's hard to leave and you are worried about your SS but he's just going to continue pulling this sh-t with you until you're gone. You realize that, right? He won't magically see the light and become a nice guy or think "Well she's leaving soon anyway might as well be the catalyst." The only thing that will better your situation is removing yourself from it. I hope you find a way to do that soon.
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We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I have no clue. I am not sure if he does it for the attention ? Or if he just tries to make people mad? Or if he just likes to be a Douche?
This x1000.
So, you lack a vehicle (or is the truck yours?) you are stuck on his couch(or is it your home?) And your filing divorce next month.
If the place is your, kick him out.
If the place is his.... Get out. Get out now. Sleep on a friends couch if needed. If you have no job, find one. You are both obviously unhappy, theres no point drawing this out anymore. Leaving is pretty clearly the needed response. End this drama.
Let him tell people its your fault. who cares?
Seriously l8r, I like you and I want it to work out for you, but pull the f'ing trigger here. Tell people you're getting divorced and start living like you're getting divorced.
Umm.....
Unless there is more to the story, I'm on Team Husband.
Did he actually say to X "Yes, we will be there" or did he just not say he wasn't going? Because affirmatively accepting an invitation is a helluva lot different than not giving an answer and then not going.
Also, why on God's green earth would you schedule a dinner with church friends when you're also trying to fit in two families and a nap in there? That's crazy talk. It makes me want to shoot myself, and I'm just reading this off the internet.
Also, your milk story sounds exactly like one of our exchanges. And my DH actually appreciates it when I change my mind, call back and ask if we need anything because I'm going to run into the grocery after all.
Sorry. You sound totally unreasonable.
Yeah there's a long back story to our marriage. I haven't even brought all the craziness in from my MIL/FIL.
I can't wait till this is all over.
Okay, some people are just not good listeners. My husband never remembers things I tell him. I think that's why stand-up comedians use that sort of "my wife/husband never listens" trope. I doubt he is deliberately trying to gaslight you. He just sounds kind of clueless.
I totally get why his behavior is irritating, but I doubt it's a gaslighting situation.
I agree with Bowies. I think you are just annoyed with him overall, so you are finding reasons to validate your annoyance, even if it's not actually a big deal.
And I think he is calling your bluff.
This sounds like same sh!t, different day kind of behavior to me. He is done, you're done, now you both are just acting ghost machines of your marriage.
It's not your fault. This is just what ending a marriage is like. You had enough courage to tell him before the holidays. A lot of people leave like a coward the day after christmas/january.
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" And I think he is calling your bluff."
I think so too. I just went back through this post and I was like WTH? is wrong with me . I mean by me not standing up for myself at this moment then I am just letting him control me yet again....
Do you still plan on watching your SS after the divorce?
I know you are incredibly attached to him, but it seems that any ties to your STBX will just be used to manipulate & generally fuuck with you.
Why are you exchanging gifts and going to his parent's house? And why is he going to your parent's house? If you're getting a divorce, and both of you know it, why are your pretending to still be together during the holidays. I don't get this at all. He is probably waiting on your to file for divorce. What is the hold up? Why don't you just file and get it over with so that you can start moving on with your life. I understand that you can't leave the house for legal reasons, but that doesn't mean that you also have to continue living your lives like a happy couple.
You're getting a divorce because of this?? How long have you tried therapy for?
And I don't think he's trying to manipulate you.
This post explains why she's divorcing him-
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60906762.aspx
He's a controlling @ss that she's well rid of.