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FBIL issues
I am no more a lurker & I appreciate the help...
My fiance is a MZ twin. Him and his brother are both quite different people. Recently, the FBIL moved to San Fran after getting a quite a well paying job, which he feels he needs to constantly rub on my fiance's face. Both of the boys have always been extremely supported throughout their lives; financially, emotionally, even supported through ridiculous ideas that I know my parents would have never done. With such amazing parents to raise them, why is one such an @$$?
He is planned to be our officiant for our wedding, but it is killing me to imagine him in this position. In the long amount of time that we've been together, FBIL can be nice and friendly when it pleases him, but he turns around easily and hurts both my fiance and myself. He even likes being referred to as the @$$hole of the family. Why? It is impossible to hang around him for too long a period of time, or even after the twins have a guys night out, they will return and FBIL will begin his elitist rant of why he is more intelligent and better than others. There are moments in which the fiance leaves the room and I attempt a conversation and FBIL literally attempts to ignore me and pretend that I am non-existent, he has even left the room when I am in mid-conversation with him. It is really hurtful. It hurts even more that the next day he acts like nothing has happened and all is well in the world.
I'm sick of bugging the fiance and sick of attempting to talk with FBIL myself. I can't tear twins apart from each other, but my fiance knows how much this upsets me. Advice that I got was give him the "cold shoulder" or "kill him with kindness" both have been attempted, I am either the new doormat of the family or the new b!tch. I do not want to be the enemy.
help?
(TL;DR--FBIL who is officiant constantly provokes/upsets me, cannot go to FH for help)
Re: FBIL issues
I'm an identical twin. Unless you are one, it's really hard to understand the type of relationship identical twins have. I'm not sure I can find the words to describe it.
Given that, it's very unlikely that your FI will cut BIL out of his life. It's up to you if can live with that, or if you want to walk away.
Personally, I think you can work with it. Let FI and BIL have whatever relationship they want. You can't change that.
If BIL talks about how great he is, just ignore in him.
And you don't need to have any relationship with BIL. It doesn't sound like he wants one, so don't force it. But you can call him on his BS. If you're talking to him and he leaves, you can say "Wow. I was talking to you and you just left. Why would you do that?" He walks over you because you let him; you can stand up for yourself without being a b.itch.
I'd also tell FI that you want BIL to treat you with respect. You don't have to be friends, but he needs to stop being a jerk to you.
Your FBIL is not going to change - is this a relationship you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life? If not, you should re-think your fiance. He comes with baggage - his twin. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you want the package deal.
I would start with telling your FI that you don't want his brother being the officiant. You're not comfortable, and you can't imagine having the stress of worrying whether or not the "good brother" or the "a-hole of the family" is going to be standing up there. TELL (don't ask) your fiance that you want someone up there in charge, and able to shut the mike off of FBIL if need be. YOU need to put yourself first, ahead of your FBIL.
You can also change your own behavior. Your fiance leaves the room - why do you need to politely try conversation with your FBIL? If your fiance is leaving b/c his brother is acting like an *ss, you're not going to change him. Keep watching television or reading your book like your fbil isn't there. You can also tell your fiance that your home isn't the place to be after a "boys night out," - - if they want to hang out after hours, they can go to his brother's place.
So, yout fiance wants to have his brother who you can't stand and is rude and disrespectful to you be your wedding officiant?
Seems to me you have a F problem. This isnt goingto end after the wedding, you do know that right?
I do not care if they were siamese twins there is NO excuse for him allowing his brother to disrespect you!
What does your Fi do when his brother is being rude? How is he hurtful to him? Why isn't that enough for him to pass on his brother officiating the wedding? I'd be worried if he decided to be an a$s on that day.
Frankly, every time he went into one of his elitist rants I would laugh uncontrollably and loudly. The guy is an insecure jerk. Look at him with pity. If you did indeed pick the right twin then he would be someone you could go to for help.
Thanks for the advice so far.
Usually when he is disrespectful the fiance will tell him to "stop being an @ss" and FBIL will go quiet for a bit of time. Although I vent to FI about him, I know it's not fair for me to do it, and eventually I hold it in. FBIL doesn't live near us, we only see him on holidays, but those days are hell when he is down here. FI has spoken to him and told him to respect me as we are now a unit and I will be his wife, and the only FBIL will be "I'll try..." He was chosen as the officiant because we cannot afford a real one and he is eloquent with words (English major), we chose him because at the stage in our lives when we made this decision he was being nice and positive, we both thought it would last.
I would never, ever attempt to separate twins, I understand that there is an underlying bond that could never be broken, this is why I can't rant to my FI about his own twin, it's unfair.
Now as for telling him he is no longer the officiant, I am a bit fearful of the response because the rest of the family is excited for him to do it as well. We gave him the choice for him to be either the best man or the officiant, and he chose officiant obviously.
Also, do you think that if I were to call him out on when he ignores me or leaves the room that this may backfire in my face and can cause an argument. (just fyi when FI leaves room it's usually to go to kitchen or bathroom, not leaving because of FBIL).
Thanks.
What do you mean by "officiant at your wedding"?
Just to let you in-on a little secret - who you pick for your wedding doesn't really matter.
At all.
You can have a mouthly twin for an honored role at your wedding, and you'll still be married ... and the idiot officiant doesn't matter at all.
And when I say "at all" ... I mean - doesn't matter AT ALL - FOREVER.