Family Matters
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Need help repairing relationship with MIL.
Been with DH 10 years, married 6.5, 2 kids, one on the way. My MIL has given me issues since DS1 was born. Too much to get in to, but things crossing boundaries, walking into my house with her key when i'm showering, ripping my DS's paci out of his mouth because she doesn't like it, etc. So last week we had a conversation, mostly about her lack of filter on her mouth. Telling me rude things like, the baby name I chose this time around is a "mouthful", things about my marriage, kids, how I raise my DS's etc. So I told her how I feel. She also did something pretty horriffic... completely ruined a relationship I had with my godmom because of a nasty comment my MIL posted on facebook. My godmom deleted me as a friend (it's a LOOONG drawn out story). I got extremely mad at MIL, MIL apologized. Fine. But it's not like all butterflies and rainbows now. I need to work back up to being able to be around her. She calls DH and tells him to tell me she's going to call me tomorrow to come over. Right now i'm not ready to be alone in my own home with her. What always happens is she corners me and blames anything that has gone bad with her and I on me. I don't want my relationship to be this bad with her. I used to have her come over to watch my DS's (until she told my 3 y/o DS to pick up cat crap one day). I don't want to be BFF with her, but want to be cordial. But right now I cringe when she talks. I told DH that she can't come here when he isn't, because I need him around to hear what she says. Otherwise she'll say she didn't say it, and blame it on me. She can come over when DH is here. What else can I do to mend this. My mom has an awful relationship with her MIL, and is begging me to not have mine be the same. It's really hard with my MIL, who is almost borderline a bully with what she says. Any suggestions??
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
Re: Need help repairing relationship with MIL.
Well you are going to hear this A LOT, but this is more of a husband issue than a MIL issue. If my MIL said something about me or accused me of lying, my husband wouldn't have had to hear it personally to believe me. He would just believe me. He backs me up when I have an issue and doesn't just brush it off as a misunderstanding. This is a deeper issue that can not be resolved on a public message board and mostl likely needs to be talked through with a trained professional.
Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with having your husband in the house to act as a buffer between the two of you, but the fact that he has to be there to verify what she says to you is sad and wrong.
As far as your mother's relationship with her MIL, that is irrelevant. Who knows why they didn't get along but I am willing to bet that she had a husband problem too.
If your MIL truly is a bully then limit your time with her as much as possible. REalize that you are not going to be friends but when you do see her just be polite and civil but certainly don't go out of your way to have a relationship with her.
No, that came across wrong. He definitely believes everything I have told him, and he's confronted her. When he did, she came back at ME by calling me. He is avoiding her as much as possible too. I just want him there so she doesn't say anything. Because she won't say it in front of him.
My mom's MIL, she's a *** (and yes, that's my Grandmother) Literally. She talked nasty about my mom behind her back, told my dad to divorce her, and I was there one day when she told my mom she wasn't welcome in her home. My dad said, ok, then we all leave. Gone. Haven't talked to them in 6 years.
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
I guess I just don't understand where is mom is coming from. She had a horrible MIL, nothing she or your dad could have done would have changed that besides standing up to her and letting her know they won't tolerate her behavior. You are in a similar position. There is nothing you can do that would change her. The best you can do is limit your time with her and accept the fact that she isn't a good person.
Now if your MIL calls you to b*tch you out, you hang up on her. You don't have to tolerate this behavior. There is nothing you can possibly say to her that would get her to change. She is just a mean person and a bully. She has learned through the years that if she acts like a bully she will get her own way. Let her know that won't fly with you. I would also continue to have the rule that she will only be invited to your home unless he is there. Let her know that if becomes rude, she will be asked to leave.
What's wrong with inviting her when DH is there and it's just a nice family get-together? Why do you have to deal with her alone, ever? Especially if she makes it weird and uncomfortable?
Why? Why not just let it be a family thing? Like the vast majority of people.
And if it's a work-schedule thing, why not just be honest about his schedule and plan accordingly??
That's the long story. My godmother and godfather sued my parents recently over real estate they owned. I stayed out, none of my business. I honestly was hoping it would get resolved, blow over in due time, and they would mend their relationship. They've known each other 32 years. I stupidly confided in my MIL and told her what was going on when she asked about my godmom. MIL then went to godmom's facebook page and commented on my godmom's page with what I referenced. Godmom defriended my brother and I. It was ugly, uncalled for. And MIL claimed she was doing it innocently.
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
"I'm sorry; but I'm not interested in discussing this with you". You don't have to let this bully in your house and I'm not sure why you keep doing it. It's foolish to spend one minute arguing with her; she's not arguing with you over deeply held meaningful beliefs, she's arguing with you and calling you names etc to draw your attention away from the dreadful behavior you objected to to begin with. An example:
Scene: Your home. Background: the umptheenth time she's offered unsolicited advice:
MIL: You are not raising that child right. He should be having rice cereal and you're making him suffer by not giving it to him.
YOU: No, no! Studies show that children should not have rice cereal until they're four months old at the youngest; and He's not suffering! He always cries like that when he's hungry
MIL: He's suffering. Look at him, can't you tell? and now he's crying! You should give him rice cereal!
YOU: But the studies show and the doctor says`
MIL interrupting: So you'll believe some magazine article over me. I don't think you even read an article on this, you're making that up. you just don't like me. You've never liked me and all I've ever tried to do is help.
YOU: I'm not making it up! It's in the Ladies Home Journal!
MIL: That magazine is so out of date! No one reads it anymore.
etc etc ad nauseam. Do you see? this is an example, but it's clear. By engaging in the discussion with her AT ALL, you are saying first that she has a right to criticize your child rearing and that the matter is open for discussion; and second, you aren't even arguing with her about the original issue to begin with. The rice cereal here in this fake example was brought up by her, and once you cite authority, she shifts and calls you names, to avoid losing the argument about the rice cereal. You end up arguing about her calling you names instead of discussing rice cereal, which was the ostensible subject under discussion; but that was never the point. The point was always to criticize you, over and over. This is classic bully behavior, and the way to deflect it is to NOT ENGAGE.
Same scene, same background:
MIL: You are not raising that child right. He should be having rice cereal. You are making him suffer.
You: Huh. wow.
MIL: Escalating attack: He's suffering! Look at him! Give him rice cereal.
You: Please don't yell.
MIL : Well feed him rice cereal!!
You: You should go home now; we'll take care of JJ. Here's your purse.
MIL: Are you going to feed him rice cereal?
You: We'll see; thanks. (open door) We'll talk to you later. (Stand by it till she leaves).
Don't engage.
And if she calls you names in your house throw her asss out. And don't let her back in. It's your house, right? You pay the rent? You don't have to let her in, and you don't have to let her yell at you.
I hope you took your key back or changed your locks since then!
The thing is, nothing will "mend" this relationship but time, space, and boundries.
You already have the heads up that she will call tomorrow (today?) to come over and talk to you. Just because SHE wants to come over and talk doesn't mean you have to entertain her! SHE doesn't get to invite herself into ANY home (even that of her son's wife). Don't answer her calls, and if she "stops by," tell her "sorry, now is not a good time. Why don't you arrange a time when dh is home to stop by?"
DH's family can drive me (and him) bonkers, but we see them infrequently so that they don't annoy us and we can enjoy them when we do see them. But we have learned not to push it - if we have a good visit the week of Christmas, we no longer feel "wow, that was fun, we need to see them more often" because we know that the next time we see them we will be losing our minds.
My advice would be to stop DESPERATELY wanting to have a good relationship with her. Put it in perspective - - I think wanting to "get along" with her but not be besties is a good idea, but even that will not happen overnight. Be honest with yourself - you don't want to see MIL today, or any time DH isn't there, so DON"T. She's not your mother, it is not your responsibility to entertain her.
The fact that your dh doesn't want to see her that much speaks volumes. Don't feel the need to "hang out" with her b/c her own son won't see her. You don't owe her a family relationship or a relationship with your kids.
You've stated what you want - to see her only with dh around. So follow that. And if you aren't ready to see her even when dh is in your home, then tell him to take the kids to her house and visit from then.
Over time, you may feel better able to deal with your MIL. Until then, don't force yourself into a relationship you don't want.
H confronts her again. She shuts up.
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
What is it that you want to repair? There's no relationship here, that I can see. She's ugly to you,and you and your dh continue to allow her in your lives despite her ugliness.
So the problem is solved? You just want H with you when she's around, but she's stopped saying and doing horrific things to you, right?
Nah. I get it. I don't want to have one of those relationships. I've tried to talk to her about things she's done, but she doesn't accept blame for any of it. I don't want my DH to have a messed up relationship with his mom. Sadly, my MIL has no relationship with any of her DIL's. My SIL hates her, my BIL's GF hates her. It's what she does. She pushes people away with her words/actions. I didn't want my DS's to not have a relationship with their Grandma, but leaving them in her care is just 100% out of the question. She can visit with everyone, or we will all visit her. But i'm not going out of my way anymore. I think that i'm such a "nice" person, that I don't want a shitty relationship with anyone, and I want things to be perfect. And i've tried, but that just isn't happening. She could be a whole lot worse, readign posts on this board certainly... but she also could be better. And being I just talked to her *last week* about her actions and she just continues. It proves it to me. I just needed to hear it from other people. That it's not wrong of me to back away. I think the thing with us is, before FIL died, MIL was fine. After he died though (months before DH and I got married), she began to cling to DH and his brothers. She no longer does things for herself. She can't take care of herself or her home (aside from the little cleaning she does). Someone has to do everything for her. DH tells her she needs to start doing stuff on her own and she doesn't. She couldn't even plant her own tiny tomato plants this spring, and I did it for her, because she couldn't "bend" or work the shovel. I don't want to be mean... but she dug her own hole. She said the nasty stuff do my SIL's and I, she wrecked those relationships too. Her sons allowed her to become even lazier than she was, and do everything for her. She'll never do anything on her own and will always depend on people. She will never change, she will always be rude and disrespectful, opinionated, and lazy. I just have to get that through my head... and promise myself and my own DS's that i will never be "THAT" MIL. I will be a MIL like my mom is to my DH. Thanks for showing me the light...
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
I'm a total lurker here, but I love the advice this board gives and so many scenarios are similar to my own that half of the stories could be written by me. This one is VERY similar to the relationship that MIL, FIL, DH and I have, except we don't have kids yet (we have dogs, which MIL treats better than she treats me and she treats them like they ARE her grandkids in the sense that she thinks we are terrible dog owners, she knows everything there is to know about MY dogs, etc. etc..), and DH is an only child.. and FIL is just as bad as MIL sometimes.
My personality is similar to yours where I feel like I have to have a good relationship with anyone who is considered family. I'm not used to people not liking me for no reason or being rude and mean and condescending to me just for fun. Don't get me wrong; I'm not a doormat and I stand up for myself, always (and DH does, as well), but it doesn't mean that I like having a terrible and superficial relationship with my ILs. I've learned the hard way (and it seems that you have, too) that MIL will NEVER change. It sounds like you've tried, but you can't have a relationship with ANYONE that is one-sided.. not even your own mom. This is something I had to learn and it took a while and a lot of frustration and advice to figure it out.
For us, ILs only ever come over when DH is around. We now limit our time with them. We used to visit ILs every week (since we visit my family every week), but after many many weeks of snide and rude remarks and overbearing suggestions and harsh comments about the way we live our lives, etc., limiting time with them has actually made the situation a little better. We don't involve them in our finances or any decisions anymore. If we feel like telling them what is going on in our life, we will. For example, we have been searching for a new car for probably 6 months or so.. when we mentioned this over the summer, they immediately starting giving suggestions and putting down the cars we liked, etc. etc. So, we never brought it up again after that and we have finally decided to bite the bullet and get a new car. Now that the situation is done and over and they can't change anything, we've told them we bought a new car. We have done this with several other situations and it makes for a nicer visit.
I guess my point is, giving up on trying to make a relationship work with someone who is toxic is not necessarily giving up in the literal sense of the words. You can't give up on a relationship that doesn't really exist. I don't necessarily think you need to cut her out completely, but I think you need to realize she will never change and no one can MAKE her change. Accepting this fact will help you to realize that only you can change how you react or respond to her. And simply not engaging is definitely the way to go.
Sorry to hear your situation sucks. I definitely feel your pain and hope it gets better.
I had issues with my MIL and surprisingly it was about his younger sister who I simply asked to clean up after herself... she is actually older than me.WTF
I honestly HATED her for the longest time (MIL) and my husband said "my mom can be a *** and I just ignore her". I took his advise and she finally just got over herself. I showed that am here to stay and there is nothing she can do about it. Just show unity with your husband- make sure he understands how you feel and that you are a team, undivided and ignore her little comments. Be the bigger person and she will break down, eventually. Kill em with kindness is so cliche but it really worked for me. We actually hug, talk on Facebook and she says she loves me. Give it a chance and some time. Don't be too hard on yourself. You and your family are what really matters.