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what would you do in this (literally) shltty situation?
My father is a pretty weird man. He has no regard for those around him and is pretty darn selfish/destructive of other people's property, etc. He is also the most defensive man I have ever met. Everything you say to him, he gets defensive about. EVERYTHING. Even if you said something as simple as, "Hey, Dad, your pizza is burning in the oven!" or something he would shoot back rudely with something like, "I know. I like it burnt." And you know he doesn't.
Anyway, for Christmas my parents came to stay with us. The husband was up super late Christmas night and when he went to bed, he said that my father was creating armageddon in the toilet. Whatever, everyone poops (I've read the book), no big deal. Until I went to the bathroom in the morning and it was COVERED IN SHlT!!! It was on the walls, on the floor, on the toilet, on the sink, on the toilet paper dispenser. EVERYWHERE.
I spent most of the day after Christmas cleaning shlt from the ceiling (YES THE CEILING). It was the most ridiculously gross thing I've ever seen. My parents left early in the morning so I didn't have a chance to make him clean it himself.
Do I call him or send him a cleaning bill for my services or what? Let it go? If it wasn't for my mother, I'd probably never see the man again but for her sake, I deal with him and the other stuff he does. I feel like this went a little too far.
It was so gross.
Re: what would you do in this (literally) shltty situation?
So, what you are saying is that your father was covering your bathroom with his own shiot....using his hands to spread it around?
Did you take pictures? you know your mother wont believe you? I dont care how much i loved my mother i would not let that man step foot in my home again EVER! You need to talk to your mother and confront your father.
Presuming this is not MUD.
Your father is mentally ill, and should not be allowed in your home again. He didn't do this to make you angry; he did this because he is really, really sick. What did your mom say when you told her? Regardless of any minimizations she throws out, please realize this is outside the bounds of your or any other non professional's capacity to deal with. I would have called the police when this happened; and I would have had him carted off for a psychiatric evaluation immediately. Now that time has passed; you must not let him in your home again.
I don't think he was using his hands to spread it everywhere. I think he is just a nasty disgusting man who got it on his hands and spread it from place to place accidentally. I have no idea how it got on the ceiling.
Interesting stance on mental illness. Are you saying he might have dementia?
Not mud.
Crap tot-ziens and obsession are the same person (I lost log in password on ccomputer so I use obsession on computer and Totziens on iPhone).
Well, I'd say he definitely has something. Normal adults don't shitt all over the bathroom. It didn't 'accidentally' reach the ceiling. Sorry you're dealing with this.
OPs husband
it didnt get on the ceiling "by accident" How would he"accidently" get enough on his hands to completely cover your bathroom?
OP, there is absolutely no doubt what-so-ever that you need to get him evaluated for mental illness. This is not something that happens without severe mental issues underlying it. In fact, what you are describing is an actual, diagnosable mental illness.
Talk to your mother and get your father to a mental health care professional. Today.
I think you are confusing being angry at your dad for his usual selfish, nasty behavior with being in denial that this is a mark of a serious medical disorder. What you decribed in your post is not "getting some poop on your hands and accidentally touching every surface of your bathroom, and then ignoring it because he's mean and selfish". I see red flags for mecial problems with his bowels AND mental health.
I think you need to immediately contact your mother and ask her what's going on. This can't be the first time this has happened. And your mother is going to need support if she is coping with this. Especially if he's a combative person. This is very serious.
this is still bugging me...to say the husband instead of my husband...but whatever...what did he witness, hear, sense that made him say that the night before?
This all depends on the poop. Whas it purposely smeared with hands all over the place, or was it a splatter pattern?
I know that sounds gross, but some people with legitimate gastrointestinal issues/diseases can have horrible, explosive diarrhea. It can spray all over the toilet and walls behind the toilet, and even hit the ceiling. I've seen it and it looks like it would be impossible for a human to do, but it can be done. Sometimes they can't get their pants down fast enough and it goes everywhere. When I've seen it, it was very dark brown, almost black. If that's the case, he needs to see a GI doctor.
If he took the poop and intentionally smeared it all over the walls, he needs psychiatric help.
This is more like what happened and my husband pointed out after all these postings he did have hernia surgery in the past 6 months. Still, even if it is a GI problem, to leave it everywhere is still F'ed up.
As for speaking with my mom about it, she is like an ostrich sticking her head in the sand. Anytime you confront her on my father, she just doesn't respond. At all. You can press and press and press and she'll still say nothing or she'll flip it and start telling all the wonderful things my father did in the past (he hasn't always been a complete ass - growing up he was a good dad. It's been just for the past 15 years or so he's turned into this person he is now).
I'm also not strong enough to say "You are not welcome here." I see posts on here all the time with posters saying, "Just cut them off." I can't cut my mom off and she can't cut my dad off. I know therapy isn't an option for her (or my dad) because things have popped up in the past and they've been to therapy and never stuck with it.
How do you do it? How do you just walk up to someone and say, "you are cut out of my life?"
What the what?
Yuck. I wouldn't let him back in my house, that's for sure. He needs mental help.
Ew, ew, ew.
MY husband said he heard my father taking a massive poo in the toilet.
That is incredibly simplistic and insensitive. Posters may be cavalier in their advice to cut someone out, but people who have to do it agonize about the decision and almost aways use it as a last resort against a very toxic and painful person. It is often a very brave and difficult decsion for someone's self care and preservation or to protect young children or spouses from the toxic person. And most often it is accompanied with a "when you ____, then we can resume our relaitonship" (like stop drinking, drugging, apologize, etc.) So, there is hope at repairning the damage but it puts it on the other person to be less hostile or abusive.
For you, I think it is completely reasonable to say that there is clear evidence of a medical problem (like I said, medical like bowel probelms or mental health) and that you can't participate in ignoring it (and cleaning up after it) unless/until he seeks medical help, he can't come to your home. You're not walking up to him and saying "You are cut out of my life" you are saying that there is a real problem you will not ignore and pretending otherwise is unhealthy for your father.
I think this seems strange to you because of your mother's example of shutting down and years of denial. But think about how different her life would have been if she didn't allow such a toxic person to run all over her or give-up at therapy when it started to demand that they change? You can handle this differently than your mother does.
1. Poop can not spray up and hit the ceiling if he is sitting on the bowl...almost impossible...think about the physics involved.
2. So, mom is in denial and you seem to be going down the same path as her.
3. No one said cut him out...i think we/i said dont let him in your house again until the situation is figured out.c
It is pretty easy to figure out splatter from smearing/throwing... either way your father has mental illness.
Many handicapped kids and old people with dementia smear...it is not that unusual ive seen it many times (NEVER on the ceilings unless it was intentional)so, you can ignore your fathers problems...or deal with them...ignoring them isnt going to change the situation and make it magically disappear!
People are not talking about marriage or behavioral therapy. If it's dementia, this is A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL PROBLEM. He needs to be under the supervision of a doctor.
Even if it's not a mental issue, he still needs to be under the supervision of a doctor because, I doubt this is happening to every single patient that has ever had hernia surgery, is having this issue, or it would be more common knowledge.
The fact that he hasn't always been like this, to me, makes it more likely that the poop and the attitude, are related to a medical issue. For the sake of the man your dad used to be, take him to a medical professional, and get him at least evaluated.
I totally get what your saying. How do you get a completely defensive person evaluated? let's move on to that advice. My mom is going to be NO help so if I was to succeed at this, I'd have to do it on my own. He gets defensive for everything so I'm not sure how to approach it with a successful outcome.
I should probably find myself a good therapist to learn how to break the cycle of ignoring problems and hoping they just go away.
It doesn't matter what he or your mom say, the only "successful" outcome you need is to establish the boundary of him not being permitted in your home again. Whether it's an illness or whatever, it's disgusting & I wouldn't put up w/it long enough to find out. It isn't a matter of not being loving or understanding, it's a matter of unsanitary actions in your home, where you & DH have to live.
Obviously, whoever can leave that kind of mess behind & not feel so highly embarassed to clean it up, has severe mental issues in my book.
Just say to him & your mom something like, "Clearly, from what has happened here is that dad is either one of 2 things: clinically ill or a barnyard animal. Whichever the case, he needs help and from this point on, will not be permitted in our home." End of discussion.
I would try to find a doctor that specializes in Geriatric issues. And possibly talk to them before you bring your dad in for an evaluation. You can warn them that he tends to react defensively, but odds are they would be experienced enough to get a fairly accurate view of what's going on.
Tell your mom that you know what happened at Christmas was an accident, but you're concerned about him and you just want to be sure that he's healthy. Tell her you're willing to take him to the appointments, (assuming you're able to commit to this large undertaking) and that because he was such a good dad, like she keeps reminding you, that you want to help take care of him now.
This. My dad napalmed my bathroom when I first moved into my house. A month later he was in the hospital having part of his bowels removed, and had a colostomy bag at the ripe age of 49. However, he was nice enough to come ask for cleaning supplies.
Here's the thing, it's not your job to "get him" to the doctor. That's a huge amount of pressure that would drive anyone into denial. You need only be honest with your words and actions "Dad, I love you and I am very conserned, please tell your doctor that you had a medical issue with the bathroom that may be solved medically and need immediate attention. I care about you and hope you feel better." If he brushes you off or snaps, that's not your fault. He is a grown man with a doctor and every ability to deal with it - attitude or not.
The only tricky part is if he ignores it and wants to come over again. Then you DO have some power and a voice. Sure, you can say "o-kay dokay" and clean-up another poop-arama. But if you don't WANT to, then you CAN say - "Dad, unless you deal with this issue, you can't come here." And say it out of love and consern. For your sake and his. And yes, I think you need a good therapist to get you to the point of saying this. And double yes, I think it will greatly improve your life to learn this skill. And triple yes, people seek the help of a good therapist for triggers like this all the time.
Good luck.
So I just got an email from my mom just now telling me what a great family we are and how wonderful a daughter I am and what an amazing christmas is was blah blah blah. I am going to breath for a minute then put all my thoughts into an email back to her, probably delete 8 times and re-start the email, then call her and discuss it.