Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Looking for perspectives on love, marriage, and divorce...
Just contemplating my own current relationship and curious about others' viewpoints on their marriages...
1) What was it about your husband that you loved when you met?
2) Now that you are married, what is it about your husband or your relationship that you love or that makes it 'work'?
3) Ever thought about separation or divorce? What made you contemplate it?
4) If you've been divorced, what led to it?
5) Do you believe in the saying that says something along the lines that -- love is when being with the other person makes you a better person than without? Why or why not?
Thanks...
Re: Looking for perspectives on love, marriage, and divorce...
I'll skip to number 4 since I'm divorced.
There were a lot of issues that led to the demise of my marriage, but they all had the same root cause. He didn't love me. Really, it was that simple. We fought over the issues and let those eat away at the marriage, but I think we would have been better served to just acknowledge the elephant in the room. It would have saved a lot of time.
I don't believe in that saying. I am me, with or without someone else. My life is enhanced because my BF is in it, but I have not changed. My identity is not wrapped up in someone else's. If I'm not already awesome, then I have no business being in a relationship. I really bristle at this idea that love is supposed to complete us or magically make us better people. A successful relationship is formed when two complete people are attracted to each other and are compatible with each other. I also bristle at that idea because it implies that singletons are doomed to average lives, and, well, that's just not true.
1) What was it about your husband that you loved when you met?
He was a great dancer, and funny. He literally swept me off my feet when we first met.
2) Now that you are married, what is it about your husband or your relationship that you love or that makes it 'work'?
There are a ton of things I love about my husband and relationship. I think the most important thing that makes it "work" is that we value each other's happiness.
3) Ever thought about separation or divorce? What made you contemplate it?
I was in a really bad situation at work about 3 years ago with an abusive manager. DH didn't get it for a long time and was not supportive at all. I was very seriously thinking about leaving DH and moving in with my parents as a way to get away from the job, when he finally figured out how serious the situation was. You know what they say about communication being important? Case in point. (In hindsight, I'm not quite sure why I thought moving in with my parents was necessary to quit my job, but I was in a very bad way that year, hardly sleeping, depressed, and probably not thinking straight.)
4) If you've been divorced, what led to it?
n/a
5) Do you believe in the saying that says something along the lines that -- love is when being with the other person makes you a better person than without? Why or why not?
I think it's great if your spouse is someone who inspires you to be a better person, but I don't think that has anything to do with love.
1) What was it about your husband that you loved when you met?
He was smart, and we had a lot of common interests. He got references I made that nobody else seemed to understand.
2) Now that you are married, what is it about your husband or your relationship that you love or that makes it 'work'?
Again, the common interests. We like the same things and have the same goals.
3) Ever thought about separation or divorce? What made you contemplate it?
No.
4) If you've been divorced, what led to it?
N/A
5) Do you believe in the saying that says something along the lines that -- love is when being with the other person makes you a better person than without? Why or why not?
I think that has some validity to it. I feel like DH makes me want to be a better person in that I feel that he deserves the best, so I strive for that.
Not married yet, but I'll answer this still.
1) What was it about your husband that you loved when you met?
When I met my boyfriend the first thing that I loved about him was his directness. He told me straight up that he was looking for someone he could be with long term and didn't want to play games and just have a f*ck buddy. That got my attention and my respect for him.
2) Now that you are married, what is it about your husband or your relationship that you love or that makes it 'work'?
I love his patience, kindness, and the fact that he works his butt off to ensure that we have a good life together. The patience especially this year since we had a rough beginning at the start of the year with me being on hormonal birth control that turned me into a psychotic, impulsive, and emotional wreck. But we got through it together and came out better in the end. Also our communication has gotten alot better over time and really that's what really makes our relationship work. I can talk to him about everything and we find a way to work things out in a way that will benefit us both. Case in point, his job which was a very sore spot in our relationship. He's now applying for a new job in the beginning of the year when the position becomes available, to get away from his current one. And if he does get it, it will make us both happier.
3) Ever thought about separation or divorce? What made you contemplate it?
The only time I thought of leaving him was last year when we were one year into our long distance relationship and that was because the distance was killing me and I couldn't take it. Since then, nope never really thought of leaving him.
4) If you've been divorced, what led to it?
N/A
5) Do you believe in the saying that says something along the lines that -- love is when being with the other person makes you a better person than without? Why or why not?
No I don't because I was with someone before who made me a much better person, but in the end we should never have been together. On the one hand he made me more empathetic, compassionate, and loving. But on the other hand, the relationship was so toxic that if we would've stayed together we would've ended up killing each other emotionally at some point. Plus you should'nt need another person to make you a better person, you should only need yourself for that. With that said, I think love is when you're with someone who you feel supported and respected by, and whom you can trust and rely on.
1) What was it about your husband that you loved when you met?
We're not married, but when I met Mr. Bang I was quickly drawn to his personality. This was over 8 years ago. I liked that he was smart and an independent thinker, funny in an intelligent/witty way, and that he really challenged me.
2) Now that you are married, what is it about your husband or your relationship that you love or that makes it 'work'?
Again, not married, but what makes our relationship work is a lot of open communication even when we struggle with how exactly to express ourselves. We've both had a lot of unhealthy communication in past relationships and together we've been working on creating healthy patterns and approaches. Beyond that, our personalities are similar and complementary, we really "get" each other, and we agree on all the big life stuff.
3) Ever thought about separation or divorce? What made you contemplate it?
Not with Mr. Bang. But I am divorced and so is he, and both resulted from marrying someone because we thought it was the right thing to do, not because the relationship was right.
4) If you've been divorced, what led to it?
I met XH at 19 years old (he was 26 and that should have been a red flat, that he was willing to date me). I got very caught up in the idea of getting married because I believed that if I didn't get married right out of college my chances were done (long story there). I got so caught up in the wedding stuff that I neglected to get to know my partner adequately or to note the red flags waving at me. I also didn't know myself very well ... I was barely 22 when we got married. Over the next year and a half I discovered that we were fundamentally incompatible. He had hidden debt and lied a lot about money, and when he lost his job he gave up and refused to seriously look for a new one, turning to pyramid schemes, wasting our money, paying bills on credit cards and lying about it, and when he finally got a part time job working 6 hours a week for minimum wage he acted like he deserved a medal. I gave up and kicked him out after 18 months of marriage.
5) Do you believe in the saying that says something along the lines that -- love is when being with the other person makes you a better person than without? Why or why not?
Ehhhh ... not really. I think you need to be a whole person on your own before you can really participate in a good relationship. Now, that's not to say your partner can't inspire or encourage you to better yourself. Mr. Bang encourages me to be more motivated in certain areas and I do the same for him. But we don't fundamentally change each other for the better, no. We're two whole people who came together and make a good team.