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Well. That was uncomfortable.
I went the past two nights to family get-togethers for my H's family (for those who don't know my story, I recently discovered my H had a four-month affair with someone he met online while my mom was going through chemo and confronted him on Christmas Eve when he tried to tell me he wanted to recommit to being a good husband and having a good marriage...not knowing that he had been found out). Two nights ago, it was all family, and it was easy to keep my space from him, but last night, it was a big party of mostly his uncle's friends, and it was NYE, which is supposed to be a sort of romantic night, and it was SO AWKWARD.
First of all, he had been drinking, quite obviously, so he was very clingy. He kept trying to say "meaningful" things (Can you commit to giving me a year? You look so beautiful tonight [He said this like 12 times...I knew I looked good because I made an effort to, but ENOUGH ALREADY!). I wish you could stay here so we can ring in the New Year with a kiss. [I have to work today, so I went home early]), and that was pretty annoying. Secondly, no one who was there knows what was going on, so I probably seemed like a supreme b!tch when I kept shutting him down. At one point, I thought if he didn't get his hand off my leg, my head was going to explode.
Anyway, this is just a vent. It is obvious to me that he and I have to sit down and have a sober conversation about where this is going to go. I have no desire to even try to work things out, and he seems not to get that. I did find out that, through the employee assistance program at work, I can get hooked up with a therapist and get three free sessions, so I am calling them on Tuesday because I have to find someone other than my amazing friends (who have been so good to me...I have to say that I am very lucky in that respect) to talk to about what's going on. And then I think that he and I probably need to go see someone to talk to, not to work things out, but to help talk out a resolution of some sort. My emotions have really been pretty flat since I found out about his affair, and I know that at some point, my carefully composed exterior is going to crumble, and it will be important to have someone professional in place to talk to when that happens. As someone who does NOT like to lose control, the thought of this is so awful to me. Yuck.
Anyway, I also wanted to say that I really appreciate the voices of experience you guys provide as I go through this process. It helps so much to see those of you who have made it out the other side and are thriving. I look forward to adding myself to that group someday!
Re: Well. That was uncomfortable.
You survived it but...blech!
I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years and its awesome. It gives me a place to vent so that my friends and Glenn don't have to hear about it over and over. I highly recommend it.
This is actually exactly where I am right now. And this is why I know I have to find someone to talk to. But thanks for putting this out there because it makes me feel a little bit less crazy.
And I know and agree that I have to stop putting myself in situations like that. That really was the last one. I just didn't want to rock the holiday boat, and if I had not gone to that party, red flags would have been raised. Now that the holiday parties are over, events like that are very few and far between, and I will protect myself from them.
Thanks, everyone!