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I don't know if I need advice or just to rant.
So, a little background info. My dad and grandfather owned their own business up until Christmas. My Grandfather was able to go to his old job, but my father and I became unemployed. My father's plan was to go to a trucking school and become a trucker. So, he goes all the way up to Indianapolis from Georgia to go to this school and he didn't pass his physical - which means he can't be a trucker. So, he's on his way home and no one knows what we're going to do now.
My mother works a PT/MW job and my sister is only 16, so she's still in school. I am looking for a job but nothing yet. This is just another in a long string of bad news we've been steadily receiving. It feels like everything is just falling apart and I can't take it anymore.
I'm supposed to be getting married in June and moving to England asap after that. But I just don't know if I can stay here that long. I feel like I haven't been able to be properly happy since I got back from England in August. My FI is coming on Jan. 22nd and he says he's willing to get married while he's here and I could leave a lot sooner.
Other than the fact that I will be missing out on a wedding surrounded by friends and family, I feel like if I do this I'll be abandoning my family while they are in need. But what can I really do? I have no skills. The only people hiring around her are the same crappy PT/MW jobs like what my mom works - there is no way I'd be able to help the family out with that. My FI says that I need think about myself more and do what's best for me. Is it just totally selfish of me to want to leave?
Re: I don't know if I need advice or just to rant.
Is your fiance British? If so, move over on a fiancee visa and get married in June like planned anyway. Problem solved on that end.
Alternatively, if you wanted to help your family I would stay and get the next crappy job available - any income is better than no income - and do that until your planned wedding in June.
As well, I wouldn't expect it to be that much easier to get a job here in the UK than where you are, we've got IN's here that have been looking for a job for over 2 months and have sent out hundreds of CV's. Whenever I post any kind of job for the company, even for a cleaner or receptionist I get well over 300 CV's within the first couple of days and we have to close the ad. And I don't even pay that well! LOL.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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First off, indeed, most European countries don't require you to be married to move, just state that you're in a committed relationship. The fact that you're even engaged makes it easier, so you really don't need to stay in the US until you're married.
Second: what have you already bought/paid/done for your wedding? What's refundable? How much money are you losing if you just elope now?
In your financial situation I'd really look at the cost either way. If your family is struggling so bad, you might want to spend your money on food and a roof over your head instead of a big wedding. (You're still so young, if money is a big issue for your family now I'd even consider postponing the big wedding a while and move to the UK without getting married.)
And as Tofu said, a crappy job is better than no job. If there's work available I really don't understand why you're now working. You can always resign or look for something better while you're at least making some money in a crappy job.
Good luck deciding what to do. It can't be easy either way.
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<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DFirst, your dad: Just because he failed that physical for that school doesn't mean he can't become a trucker. Encourage him to look for jobs without a specific education. Over the road truckers, especially, are always in demand.
As for you: What kind of wedding are you planning? If it's a big, expensive pretty pretty princess affair I'd reconsider.
You say you have no skills. No skills, really? What did you do at this family business? Nobody has no skills. If your employer closed, look into filing for employment.
Presumably your FI/DH will be supporting you once you get there. On that line of thought, could he send you something to support you/your family in the short term?
Finding a job in England will be in no way easier than in the US. Be prepared for that. Nor will your family's struggles disappear when you're gone. You've been dealt a crappy hand, no doubt. But it's not an impossible situation.
First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their kind words and advice. I appreciate the thoughtful replies!
Yes, I understand that finding a job in England won't be any easier than finding a job here. But, at least in England I won't be surrounded by constant depression and negativity. And being with my FI makes handling things much much easier than being without him.
As far as to what's already been paid for - I've bought a dress already (got it in a great sale - 75% off!!) and we've put a $200 deposit on a DJ and $500 deposit on the venue. If I cancel the wedding more than 60 days in advance then I get that full deposit back from the venue, but I believe the DJ in non-refundable. Canceling the wedding won't actually lose us much money at all, since even if we elope I plan on going somewhere I can wear the dress. If I can't have a nice wedding I'm at least going to wear my dress. And I never planned on having a huge wedding. It was supposed to be just a simple ceremony with dinner and dancing afterwards. I'm more upset about losing the ceremony with my family than the dinner/dancing reception.
And like I said in my original post - I am looking for a job but there aren't very many available, and I've applied at a few but haven't heard anything. So it's not like I'm not working because I don't want a crappy job - McDonald's was something I applied for. And I have skills, but no certifications or anything. For my father's business I was a receptionist at the shoots. I was in charge of customer service and loads of paperwork and money.
I know that my family's struggles will not disappear if I leave, but I will be leaving a bad situation for a better situation - which will be good for me. Although I will not immediately have a job, my FI can support me until I find one. My original plan if we eloped was to give the wedding funds we already have set aside to my family to help them out. So, I feel like if I am giving them my entire wedding fund I can justify to myself leaving several months early. My FI is always helping us out - so I know he will continue to do so, but I just feel like I'm ready to be over there with him instead of here without him.
I know it sounds terrible and selfish of me to want to leave, but It's such an oppressive atmosphere to be in. I feel like the only thing I can do to help is give money - which my FI and I can do from England.
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Wear the dress go to the JOP with your FI and your family. Go to a dinner you can afford, get married in the US.
Apply for the married visa. If you come here you will need 2 visas which will cost you more money, you are better off, money wise getting married there. Plus then your family can see you married.
I get wanting to get away from them. If it helps your mental health do it. If you don't have health insurance DO IT. Come here look for a job have NHS.
When you have get a job you can send money home to help them.
GL.
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I had 2 weddings. FWIW, the legal ceremony with just me, DH and my grandma (our witness) where we wore jeans and flip flops and said our vows in front of a San Diego County judge with a nose ring, was in many ways more memorable and special than our big event at a hotel in Boston
Sounds like you could provide the same level of financial support from a distance.
As to creating the distance, that's a pretty personal decision. Is it just tough being there because the situation is tough? Or is it tough because the other people in the situation are being overly negative and dragging you down? One of those situations I think you should get away from because it's not one you can fix or help.
You have to be honest about two things - what kind of situation are you surrounded by and why are you wanting to leave. Even if you are in a decent situation, it's just tough, and the only reason you want to leave is to move on to your next phase in life, that's ok. Could very well be time to move on.
You've received a lot of good advice from PPs, but I'm still going to be the voice of dissension.
There is a lot of "we" in your post. And if I remember correctly you've already bailed your parents out once before to save the house. Were you actually involved in any of the decisions that have led to your parents situation?
I'm all for helping out family in case of emergency, but it seems as if this has gone beyond that. Will your parents really be OK with you giving up your wedding to bail them out? How long will they be OK with you putting off starting your own home and family (financially) while you help save their home and family? How long will you be OK with it? or your FI/DH?
I'm thinking the same thing, you said it better than I could have.
Is your FI really ok with supporting you and your family? Honestly, if I were in his shoes, I would run away.
I'm with AzureAzure, it doensn't sound like you're helping to support your family, it sounds like your foreign fiance is, and your plan is kind of for him to continue to do so. If that's what he signed up for then great, but if it's not...
I also don't know how old you are or honestly too much about your situation as I've been away from the board recently, but you mentioned that you haven't got any "skills" - is school an option for you at home? If you were to study in the UK you would be paying international student fees (roughly ?8K/year) for school, if that was your plan, for the next 2-3 years until you got your indefinite leave to remain. It might be cheaper to reach any immediate educational goals or skill development goals in the states for now.
The job market in the UK is tough, though I'm really only speaking from experience in London. Nearly everyone here has a degree, so much so that my receptionist making 18K/year has 2 master degrees. So unless you either get very lucky or have a specialized skill or experience you may get beat out for even entry level jobs here without any "skills". That's just my experience, though.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
No skills? Go to Britain! They need more people, less skills - I'm always seeing that on the news, aren't you? I hear their unemployment rate is really low too.
Don't worry about your family - honestly. Staying local to them and providing moral and whatever financial support you are entitled to or can provide is no big deal. I'm sure they'd do the same, right? If you're worried, when you're packing up your things to send to the UK, give them a box too. It might come in handy. You know, to live in.
And forget about that pesky bridesmaid and her reckless spending on panties. Make her spend money on a dress she doesn't want so that she can maybe get one wear out of it if you stick around long enough (lucky her!) rather than endless wears of panties. What was she thinking??