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Serious anxiety when dealing with XH
I thought this feeling would get better over time, but it's getting worse.
Every 2 weeks when I have to deal with XH in person due to our visitation arrangement, the anxiety with dealing with him overtakes me. I think it's driven by not knowing how he will behave when he arrives. He's such a loose canon, I never know what I'll be dealing with.
It starts the day before, that pit in my stomach surfaces. From there it leads to insomnia, physical reactions of no appetite, profusely sweating, and physically getting sick multiple times. I am almost shaking when the time comes for him to arrive. 10 minutes after picking DS up after the visit, I am absolutely fine. I don't have this sort of reaction to anything else in my life and it's at the point it's seriously affecting me on a regular basis.
I don't know how to deal with this. I can keep telling myself to breathe, relax, and it will all be fine, but it's not working. Help!
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Re: Serious anxiety when dealing with XH
Are you in counselling at all? This is definitely something you need to work on and get past. You've got several years and exchanges to deal with and you can't let it ruin your life every time.
I'll admit, my heart rate increases immediately before and during exchanges because I'm afraid Ex is going to try to pull something. But it's not something I dread for a day in advance and get physically ill over.
I'd say see a counselor about this. Perhaps they can give you techniques to cope.
Here's what you do: you think of the strongest, most powerful figure that you know. I have someone who comes to my mind that I use and, love her or hate her, it's Hillary Clinton. I think of her being poised, strong, unflappable, etc. It really doesn't matter WHO the person is, but what they stand for and represent and carry themselves.
Then, when you deal with your ex, you BE that person. You pretend that you are (insert strong role model here). Whatever he does, he doesn't have control over YOU. Only YOU control YOU. So get yourself "in character" before you have to deal with him, and you can handle it. You can do it.
One other thing, my ex tends to raise his voice and it scares me. When this happens I communicate that to him. I say "you are scaring me". My ex will say "what, what are you talking about?" and try to question my feelings. I will repeat myself again, and over and over until he realizes that I really am intimidated/afraid.
Much of what you're dealing with probably stems from your past with him and the anxiety that you went through THEN. You are not that person now. YOu are a strong, capable, tough-as-nails woman and mother. Show him this and you won't experience anxiety again.
Where is your visitation? Is it in a neutral place? You can have pickup/dropoff at a public place instead of at your home. You can even have it at the police station.
Also, do you have to talk to him? You can make a communication policy that all communication is via email/text.
Sorry, this turned into a post and run earlier. To answer the previous questions- not currently in counseling only because I work 60 hours a week, am a full time mom, and simply don't have time or help with DS. I am not opposed to it and would actually like to speak to a professional about all that's happened.
Achase- at first I questioned the idea of it being due to things that happened in the past, but maybe I'm now dealing with issues that were subconscious and repressed because it was all a whirlwind at the time?
Exchanges are at my home and his trailer with the thought process of "Daddy loves you so much he'll come all the way to our house to pick you up." I don't think my anxiety would lower if we were at a neutral place. I would still have to have contact with him. All other communication I ignore and only contact him through email.
Not without violating the CO. It states that each parent be personally present for exchanges. I did this so that he can't send someone across the state to pick up DS for him. He has to show up, otherwise the visit is cancelled. Therefore, I have to do the same.
Would it help to have another family member / friend come WITH you?
Sometimes, yes. It's difficult to find someone for every visit though. Who wants to spend 4 hours of their Sunday driving to and from if they don't have to, kwim? Or interrupt their Friday night plans for a 15 minute stop over at my house/ I don't have any family close by, so I have to rely on friends, who have their own lives as well.
It's much more the build up and anticipation that I need to deal with in a healthier way, not the actual interaction itself (at this point at least).