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Pulling my hair out {Warning: LONG post}
First, I love my sister to death, she's 3 years older than me, but she tends to get herself into bad situations from making decisions off emotions and co-dependancy on the men she dates.. We had a rough family growing up, and mom never really set a good example or gave good direction.
My sister is a mother of a 1 year old {it was a planned pregnancy with her boyfriend or "common law husband" but they broke up a few short months after he was born}
After they broke up she has dated 2 other men {none of my business so i'm not going to get into that}
But this new guy, she moved in with just recently, and now he is being a jerk to her, and they broke up, she was still living there, however. She has no car, because she got in a fender bender recently, and couldn't afford to upkeep the car. She just got a new job {and I hope she will stay at this one longer than her previous jobs}
My husband and I just got married in November. I moved in with him after we got married, and our apartment just so happens to be down the street from my sister.
She never calls or talks to me unless she needs help, she has called me several times to give her rides all across town {at ridiculous times at night} and my husband works late. So he was ok with me helping her out the first couple times, but now she's making it a habit. The last time, I gave her and my nephew a ride to the father's house, and when we left, I was headed in the direction to go drop her off, and she said "I will have to pick up my paycheck, so I need to be dropped off at Planet Hollywood to meet with some friends there who will get me to work" it was confusing but i was frustrated and tired, i just did it - and she left the carseat in my car probably knowing I would have to return it to her to give her another ride.
We never made an agreement to give her rides all the time. I just want to help her out because I know she needs it.
She texts me one morning while I'm at work asking if she could borrow my car for the day, and then pick me up when I'm off.. I kindly told her I couldnt' do that {I had a really bad feeling about this} and she told me about her friend at work who let her borrow his car, and he was basically a stranger to her, and I'm her blood. I told her "I would and I understand that your friend was nice to let you drive his car, but I cannot afford if someone were to hit you. We just aren't in the postition to take that risk. Neither are you. Is there no one who can give you a ride? Sorry I'm unable to answer the phone at the moment, I'm at work right now." Keep in mind I work on the strip, we live in Las Vegas, and if you didn't know already, this is where the worlds dumbest drivers just so happen to be.
She fights it a little bit, but eventually stops texting me.
Next text message... "Can i spend the night with you?"
On a side note: a few weeks ago, while my husband was out of town, I let her spend the night because she needed it. I talked with my husband and we agreed one night is ok since he was gone. She slept in our bed, while I slept on the couch. It was a one time ONLY thing.
But this time I had to tell her "He's sick, and he'll be home late from work, we talked about it and we just can't do it. Can you stay at a friend's house?" she fights it, and I'm so frustrated that I tell her "We just got married, and need our privacy, please understand that it's not against you. it's just not a good idea. I'm sorry."
She just called me to tell me that she's been staying at someone's house from work and that it's becoming a burden on them and that she needs to find somewhere else to stay. My hsuband and I live in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment, and as most young newlyweds do, we need our privacy. For intamacy, for the arguments we have, for the short time we spend together late at night when he gets off work {we have conflicting schedules} We usually spend time together on the couch, and that's where my sister and he baby want to stay. She has emotional disorders where she will snap in a second and rage out in anger in random things {she is diagnosed bi-polar} and I know how comfortable she gets when she's around me after a certain amount of time.
I called my mother to tell her whats going on, and she tells me that I'm basically the bad person because I'm her sister and if we really wanted to help her, we would. I told her the same thing and she responds with "I have 2 homeless people living in my house right now, there's no room for her!"
are you kidding me??? I said "KICK THEM OUT AND HELP YOUR DAUGHTER!"
So now my mother wants to call my husband and stir up drama.
My mother has no respect for our privacy at all. One night, she showed up at our door without notice, uninvited, at MIDNIGHT, and welcomed herself into our home to get money from me for her car insurance. She then insisted on seeing if we have room to hold some of her storage, and we told her to leave because she was being so out of hand.
My family has always treated me like s*** but I still try to help them out, but my husband is tired of my family taking advantage of us. They're disrespectful to the both of us in many different ways {I am not going to get into depth}
But how in the world do you tell your sister that you can't have her live with you without making yourself her enemy?? I told her I would do everything I can to ask around and see if we can help her get back on her feet, but she hung up on me.
She says I don't know how she feels.. But I know exactly how she feels. I was kicked out at 17years old, and had to fend for myself, and family was never there for me.
Am I in the wrong? How would you handle this? I apologize for such a long post, and I will be amazing if anyone actually read the whole thing. I guess this was just a great big vent!
Re: Pulling my hair out {Warning: LONG post}
I'd let her know that the concierge desk is closed. And above all do not let her live with you -- I guarantee you you will never get rid of her and she will do nothing but freeload.
PPs are right. You have taught her that you'll put up with her BS and tolerate it, give her a place to stay, etc and that she can ask anytime. Say no. And mean it. She'll be angry, upset, mad - whatever. It's her call and she put herself in this mess. I know some very well-functioning Bi-Polars so that's not an excuse - she needs meds and care, but it's doable.
And your mother, well, maintain your boundaries a bit better. Don't answer the door if you don't want her over, change your locks (if she has a key) and don't answer the phone if you don't want to be dragged into her drama. Frankly, she shouldn't have homeless people OR your sister living with her, but it's her call. Your call is establishing the limits for YOUR family -- and that's you and your husband.
Remember: you teach people how to treat you. You've taught both your mother and your sisters that your boundaries are crap and that if they cry/beg/guilt you/insist/etc, they'll eventually get what they want. You can change that but it requires consistency and continuity. If you can't do that, don't even bother starting 'cause it'll be all that much harder the next time around.
GL!!
Tell her "Sis, I love you but not your problems and not your freeloading. When you get your life in order and things are fairly normal and you are self sufficient and self supporting, give me a call. Until then, I am ending my relationship with you" and then cut her off completely.
Your mother sounds like a real prize. Cut her off, also. This isn't good for your health or the survival of your marriage.
You have helped create this monster...now you can continue to pull your hair out, or stop playing her game.
I know you think you are helping your sister and it would feel terrible to tell her no, but you have to and it is okay. You see she takes advantage and never does learn from her mistakes. You'll find it easier after the first time to just say 'no' and keep saying it. She'll figure out soon enough you are not going to bail her out.
You have a chance to be happy and build a life, take it.
All of this.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds really sucky. Remember though that you're part of a new family which comes before your biological family and act accordingly.
I like this.
You know that your sister is taking advantage of you. She is not going to stop. I also guess that you probably love your nephew and don't want her to "take your nephew away" from you, but unfortunately you don't have any control over that.
And your mom makes bad choices - why would you come to her for advice / help? She is co-dependant, your sister is co-dependent, and if you keep coming to your sisters rescue, YOU are co-dependent!
It doesn't matter what John the co-worker or Jenny the neighbor does for your sister. You (and H) are adults and can make your own decisions. While you might not be proud of being taken advantage of / taken for granted, you HAVE at least had the common sense not to let your sister stay for more than one night, to not allow her to drive your car....so you do have SOME boundries. Now, continue to enforce them even more.
Ditto Wahoo 100%.
You know how to say "no". YOuv'e done it. But I also understand that you're feeling guilty. They are "family" and all that.
But turn it around - do YOU think how THEY treat "family" is right? I sure as heck don't. For all that they throw this in your face, interesting how it doesn't apply to them. They can do whatever they want to you, that's o.k. Yeah.... I don't think so.
A side note, though - stop w/ the "we're newlywed's and need our privacy" bit. EVERY couple - married or not - need their "privacy". Being "newly married" doesn't put you in a unique category...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
" My family has always treated me like s*** but I still try to help them out, but my husband is tired of my family taking advantage of us. They're disrespectful to the both of us in many different ways"
And you ask if you're in the wrong? Of course you're not. Cutting them off is the obvious answer.
Is there any possibility you could move ? I know that's a lot easier said than done, but if it's at all doable you should consider it.
Your sister won't just magically get her life in order. Right now you are giving her no reason too. Think about it, why should she. She isn't learning to budget, save and sacrifice for an apartment or or a deposit or a car. She has you and her friends to mooch off of so the money she is earning is going towards other stuff she wants ( and I am sure towards the baby too). You are keeping her from reaching rock bottom and learning some life lessons and stunting her maturity and growth for a long time. So in the long run you are hurting her. I know it sounds strange but by coming to her rescue all the time you are hurting her.
My MIL is a little bit similar. She has gotten used to playing damsel in distress and people coming to her rescue. What has this led to ? A 50 something year old woman who still goes to her elderly parents for money. She also relies on her ex husband ( my FIL) and her children. She has next to nothing saved for retirement and no savings. She can however load her house up with useless crap. She has clothes bursting out of her closets and drawers, she has her walls covered with collectible crap. My husband has let her know that she can't be depending on us when she wants to retire and you would have thought that he said he was going to dump her on the street.
My point is that this isn't going to end. I understand helping out family when they truly are deserving, but this isn't that case. Please know that by saying "No" to her, her are helping her out in the long run and doing your nephew a wonderful favor.
Even if you live in a four bedroom 3000 square foot home and have been married for 20 years you don't "have" to let anyone else move in with you. Especially if you know this person will just take advantage of you. Just because you're responsible, have a job, can afford a car and an apartment doesn't mean you have to do anything for anyone else. Especially when they've shown you in the past they don't appreciate it and won't be changing their behaviors/actions so it's not an opportunity to get back on her feet, she's just looking for a place to free load.
You had the same poor upbringing and mother but you've managed to pull it together. Don't make excuses for her, she's choosing this lifestyle.
You're not wrong.
So, if you don't do what she wants, she's threatening to make you her ememy?
This is your motivation to be at her beck and call? To provide a couch and a car for her? To not be railroaded into a guilt trip by your mother and a rage from your sister.
When do you get to be mad at HER for her horrible, selfish, mean treatment of you?
no i think you're doing the right hing. i think the reasons of 'were newlyweds and need our privacy' is irritating though. you got married months ago.
if you dont want her there tell her no you can't help her right now. and leave it at that. if she pesters you dont have to answer her. and keep repeating 'sorry we just can't help right now'. the reason she keeps asking you is becase you've helped her out in the past so much. and so has everyone else. why should she do things differently? she has free rides, free places to stay etc... stop being an enabler.
My mother over time has suffered through some mental illnesses as well and feels the need to accept strange homeless people {they're not family or friends of family} into her rv on the northeast side of Vegas. It's a really dangerous situation and nobody is comfortable with it. She thinks she is helping them, but I told her that's nice of her but she really needs to help her daughter instead. My sister is on medications, i don't know which specifically {I know she's been on prozac since she was a young teen and is still on this} The baby's father is living with his new girlfriend and her family in some nice west-side neighborhood, I don't know much about the financial situation between the two of them.
Lol! I do feel like hotel sometimes.
I just wanted to help her out a little with rides every so often, because I understand she's struggling and she's family. But she's getting too comfortable and now that I'm putting my foot down, she and my mother are both pretty much making me the enemy. They're acting as if I am the one putting her in this situation.
They'll hold this against me for a long time. They're grudge holders, and I've never understood it. They don't even get along with each other.
My husband thinks it's best that if they're going to try to take advantage of us, and put a burden on us for helping them, maybe it's best to cut ties and communication with them for a while - at least until they obtain some maturity and gratfullness when someone helps you out. Maybe it's a good idea anyway.
Thank you, you are right.
I think I've just always wanted to actually have a functional family but I think I've finally realized that you can't change people {even by helping them out} it has to be their life choice.
I'm so blessed to have such an amazing extended family though. My husband's family is very supportive and understanding.
You husband has a good point. It seems that your mom and sister will eventually find something to hold a grudge about. Might as well save you and your husband time, money and frustration and end it now.
Please keep reminding yourself that you are not the bad guy and even though you love her, that doesn't mean that you have to fulfill every wish, demand and need.
We have a 15 month lease that will be over in November2012 {can't wait} and we are saving to buy a home. The only reason they got our address was because of the wedding invitations, yeah I was stupid for doing that. But even if I didn't give them one, they'd be able to figure it out by calling family out of state to get it {yes they would go to that extent}
This is what P.O. Boxes are for! lol, and I'm considering talking hubby into getting one when we move.
When we move, we have agreed we will not be telling my family our new address. I almost want to completely cut them out of my life, and never speak to them again, and then part of me wants to reconnect and try to move forward with them.. but I'm coming to realize that this is literally impossible to do with people who are so caught up in thier own lives and can't really hold conversations about anything but either their drama or their health issues.
I'm sure you know how I feel. It must have been hard for you to tell your family no.
We have been married for almost two months. It's still an adjustment living together, and I understand where you are coming from. But with my mother, both times she has kicked me out as a young teen, I lived with married couples. the first time, was with a young newlywed couple. It ended very badly. I said this so she can understand where I was coming from.
Thank you ~ it makes perfect sense.
Just one of those things easier said than done, but it will work out.
Brief update to all:
Thank you for everyone's advice. I haven't heard from my sister since our last phone conversation. She finally got the idea that I'm no longer a crutch.
Mother went on a whim and did a car loan{not even going to get into this one}, and borrowed money, somehow, and they're now renting a house which allows my mother to park her rv on the lot..
the only phone conversation my mother and I have had was a little over a week ago about getting my sister's babyseat out of my car.
Already they're having trouble making rent for now 2 places, but at this point I don't really care what they do anymore. Nothing I say can sway them.