Starting Over
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Re-Intro & Advice -- LONG!

Happy Sunday ladies!

I posted a looooong time ago (Nov 2010) about being newly separated, I dig deep for my post, it didn't take much since I pretty much took a year off of The Nest, anywhere here is it:

"We have been married for just over 3 years and have been together for nearly 9.

About a month ago, he told me that he wasn't happy. When I asked why, he didn't have answers, except that he said he didn't like the person he had become, that he changed for me, and doesn't like who he is. He would just kept saying "I don't know," "I don't know what I want," etc. He told me he has been unhappy for a few years, and just doesn't know if he can continue being this unhappy. I feel like I tried everything, and every day he still had no answers. This went on for nearly a month, and finally he said that he doesn't think that staying with me is what he wants. But he's not sure. I asked him why he married me, and his response was "I thought things would be different." Mind you, he still hasn't told me why he isn't happy.

The following day, I started looking for my own place, and luckily was able to transfer to a smaller apartment in the same apartment complex. November 1, I was on my own. Dealing with all of that, and the move has truly been the hardent thing for me. I cried ALL day EVERY day. I know it's normal, but damn, I didn't think one person can cry so much.

Another thing that has made it so hard is that I have no family where I currently live. I never really made a whole lot of friends here (only been here for 2 years), and not having a support system has made me feel even more lonely. 

Now that I have been on my own for a couple of weeks, I have done some soul searching of my own, and I realize that maybe I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in our marriage. I realize that he has betrayed me for 3 years, if not longer, and that hurts more than anything.

I, unexpectedly, got a phone call from a previous manager of mine that she wanted me back. She knew what I was going through, and wanted to offer me a job so that I can move back, and be close to my family. I'm so happy to move back home. I'm going to live with my parents for a couple months (not ideal), so that I can save up some money, and hopefully get my own place shortly thereafter. I told him that once I'm all moved, I want to get the paperwork in order for the divorce. I told him that after what he has put me through, I have emotionally checked out, and I don't want to be a part of this marriage anymore, and want to move on.

 Anyway, thanks for listening. I look forward to getting to know you!"

So, I ended up moving back to be closer to my family, and two weeks later I found out he had been having an affair. Now everything he told me, or didn't tell me, made sense!

Our divorce was finalized October 7, 2011. Party!!!

 Anyway, the point of me coming back, other than to have somewhere to chat, and get to know other women that have gone through what I've gone through, is for some advice.

I met "J" at the beginning of August, I was living with my parents, he was living/helping his grandmother since he grandfather passed away. Things were going well, although not the ideal living situation, since we weren't able to have "sleep-overs". We decided, that although we hadn't been together long, we would get a place together. Things really were that good. We moved in together at the very end of October. Now, I wish I never had. I can't say I regret moving in with him, because everything that bothers me, I wouldn't have known about (hence, wishing we had "sleep-over" time), but at the same time I do. He keeps telling me that I'm his forever (he's never been married before), and OMG, I don't feel the same way at all. Maybe there was definitely that possibility before, but now? No way. No how. How do I break it to him? He's going to be devastated! Now I need to find a place to live, break him the awful news, and then move. What the eff have I gotten myself into?! Help?

 I'm so sorry this is so long! Angel

"Everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." ~Marilyn Monroe

Re: Re-Intro & Advice -- LONG!

  • imageCrazyNASCARChick:
    What the eff have I gotten myself into?! Help?

    What you've gotten into is a situation of learning the hard way why you should never move in with a significant other after just a couple of months.

    He'll be fine... you'll be fine, but hopefully neither of you will do this next time. (I speak from a place of experience, not from a place of judgment!)

    Definitely look for a new place before you tell him the news. He might not take it well, and it would be best if you could exit quite quickly if that's the case.

    Sorry you're going through this :/

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  • imageOnlyaFool:

    imageCrazyNASCARChick:
    What the eff have I gotten myself into?! Help?

    What you've gotten into is a situation of learning the hard way why you should never move in with a significant other after just a couple of months.

    He'll be fine... you'll be fine, but hopefully neither of you will do this next time. (I speak from a place of experience, not from a place of judgment!)

    Definitely look for a new place before you tell him the news. He might not take it well, and it would be best if you could exit quite quickly if that's the case.

    Sorry you're going through this :/

    Thank you for not judging.

    I hate that I KNEW it was too early, and likely a big risk, but did it anyway. I wish I would have listened to my gut. You definitely hit the nail on the head though, I will not do this next time!

    "Everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." ~Marilyn Monroe
  • I agree with Only. Definitely figure out where you are going to go before doing it in case things get messy.
    image BNOTB Awards
  • No problem. And not that I think you'll be fooled by this again, but...

    imageCrazyNASCARChick:

    Things were going well, although not the ideal living situation, since we weren't able to have "sleep-overs". We decided, that although we hadn't been together long, we would get a place together. Things really were that good.

    ...things are ALWAYS "that good" when you're at the beginning. If they aren't, you're doing it wrong Wink

    Good luck... this is a rough spot, but you'll get out of it!

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  • imageOnlyaFool:

    No problem. And not that I think you'll be fooled by this again, but...

    imageCrazyNASCARChick:

    Things were going well, although not the ideal living situation, since we weren't able to have "sleep-overs". We decided, that although we hadn't been together long, we would get a place together. Things really were that good.

    ...things are ALWAYS "that good" when you're at the beginning. If they aren't, you're doing it wrong Wink

    Good luck... this is a rough spot, but you'll get out of it!

     

    Yeah yeah I know I know. Embarrassed

    "Everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." ~Marilyn Monroe
  • Did you both sign the lease on the new place?  Can he afford the apartment on his own?  You could be legally responsible for the total sum of the lease amount.  Make sure to check your lease to see how the financial responsibility is laid out.  When I was a landlord, both parties were responsible for the entire amount.  If he can't afford it and leaves, you could still be responsible is what I'm trying to say here.  Maybe talk to your landlord in confidence? 
  • imageWineCat:
    Did you both sign the lease on the new place?  Can he afford the apartment on his own?  You could be legally responsible for the total sum of the lease amount.  Make sure to check your lease to see how the financial responsibility is laid out.  When I was a landlord, both parties were responsible for the entire amount.  If he can't afford it and leaves, you could still be responsible is what I'm trying to say here.  Maybe talk to your landlord in confidence? 

    Yeah, I thought about that, and you reminded me that I need to do that tomorrow. I honestly have no idea what the terms are to break a lease, I know everywhere is different.

    "Everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." ~Marilyn Monroe
  • I just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of your intro story. Good luck sorting things out with your live-in guy.
    image
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