Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Second thoughts
I am not married yet, but having some serious second thoughts about being married to him. I love him. But in love...Idk. We've been together for over 10 years, is it something to workout, or is it best not to ignore this and move on, gracefully, before I get married and than later decide divorce.
1) Best advice from people who had second thoughts but married anyway and;
2) do you believe people can change?
Re: Second thoughts
Welcome. You're going to find a lot of support here, but you're not going to be able to get advice that will be of any kind of help to you if we don't know what's facing you.
Why are you having second thoughts? That's going to be a huge factor in what we tell you.
To answer your questions:
1) I did have second thoughts, but I chalked them up to jitters. I can't say I had any 'should have known' moments, but my ex was abusive, so he hid his tendencies very well.
2) Yes, but I don't think it happens as often as we'd like to think and to make a lasting change, people have to do it for themselves.
1) Best advice from people who had second thoughts but married anyway: I definitely had second thoughts but buried myself in wedding planning and refused to look at what I was really feeling. I waved away any and all doubts and red flags and believed what he said over my own gut. Obviously that wasn't a good decision and here I am, divorced with a two YO.
Best advice I can give you: GO with your GUT. It will never lead you wrong. Do not try to explain away something. If it doesn't feel right it isn't right. Period.
2) do you believe people can change? Honestly, not really. Maybe if someone was really committed to it, then yes, but major character flaws would be extremely difficult if not impossible to change.
Its just things that never bothered me before, like he's not very romatic, he's not good with his money, he hates his job, but doesn't know what he wants to do, so he does nothing to fix the problem. He has depression issue, that are sometimes well controled, other times he's "low" and needs help getting out of it. I wonder how this will play out later in life. He's lazy, like does nothing to help, doesn't want to go for a walk with me or anything for that matter. Sex is lacking - he doesn't have much of a drive and we seem more like friends in this department than lovers...and when I do get it, it seems lack luster as of late. I don't love his family...but family is important to me. My mother is really judgmental and behind my back (i've heard her tell my aunt) thinks I can do better, and I secretly wonder if may be I can. I find that I miss him less than I use to and butterflies are a thing of the past. I feel like I've finally got to a grown up place in my life ready to start (mind u I'm 27, I wanted education, and life first marriage later), we've been together over 10 years, that's right I was 17...so may be I don't know what im missing. But maybe I'm not missing anything and I would throw a good relationship away on doubt.
therapy....would it help us?
I think there is some good advice above...trust your gut.
As for people being able to change? Sure, I think people are capable of change. However; people have to change themselves. You can't change them, no matter how hard you may try. Trust me.
It sounds like there are some big issues that can lead to some pretty serious relationship issues in the future. I'd definately suggest counseling for yourself as a start to really get a bigger and better picture of what you want out of your relationship and then whether or not your relationship is capable of that.
1. Yes, I had second thoughts and ignored them. Now I am divorced. Don't get married until you are not having second thoughts. See a counselor. Evaluate why you are having these thoughts. Trust your gut.
2. Yes, people can change. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes the better.
It seems like you are having major doubts, the reasons you listed are big.
He's the only person you've been with, right? I would suggest postponing the wedding and seeking individual counseling.
Is he doing anything to change or just talking about changing?
1. Trust your gut. I had second thoughts and went through with it anyway. I'm now 27 and divorced 2 years later. It's a lot easier to break up than to get divorced.
2. People generally don't change, especially when there are so many things you are worried about. These sound like big issues. If you think they're issues now, they're only going to get worse later on.
I don't remember where I read/heard it (I'm sure some where on this site) but marriage does not make problems go away- it makes them permanent! A signed piece of paper, gathering of your friends and family and a big party do not magically solve all of your relationship problems. If you're having second thoughts, delay or call it off all together.
10 years is a long time to be with someone- are you comfortable in your relationship and afraid to be alone? Why get married now?
I did have second thoughts about my XH and thought he could change. He did ultimately change- for the worse. I'd suggest counseling or at least delaying your wedding until you can sort out your feelings and be 100% confident in your decision.
It seems that *you* have changed from the person you were at 17...20...23...you know, you grew up. And realized that not everyone has a happily ever after with their high school prom king.
If you want to marry someone...you KNOW you want to marry someone. If there are any doubts whatsoever creeping up behind you, they're there for a reason.
If you split up and realize down the line that it wasn't the right thing to do, if you're meant to be with him, you'll get back together and KNOW that it's right.
But don't marry someone you're not 1000% sure about. At least half of us here on this board did that...and you see where we're at right now?
To answer your initial questions: yes, I had a feeling in my gut that I should not have gotten married. And it was a lot of little things, including some of the ones you mentioned. He was incredibly romantic, devoted, attentive, etc while we were dating, but it just fell off the map, sex less and less, less interest in each other, more complaining about things without doing anything to fix them, etc. I even caught him having what I felt were inappropriate conversations with a girl from work via text messages. nothing explicit, but still inappropriate.
And to fall into your second question, he changed, a little, but it was not permanent. He would stay off facebook, pay more attention, and then just fall back into his own patterns. We never really had great sex for any period of time again. Those earlier glimpses I saw grew so that he was having multiple, full fledged affairs, took so little interest in finances that i was completely responsible for everything and if I said we couldn't afford something (like buying 2 new luxury cars and jet skies at the same time) he would whine and act like a child, again not taking any responsibility for anything whatsoever. And then would go spend $300 without a thought.
What I've learned from all of this is that your GUT is the most trustworthy voice in your life. Listen to it. YOU have changed since you were 17. HE has changed since he was 17. Just because you were right for each other THEN, as adolescents, does not necessarily mean you are right for each other now, as adults. You shouldn't have to force yourselves into roles to meet each others needs before you are even married. I'm not saying your should do one thing or another, but you do need to be 100,000% okay with your decision. Because for as expensive as as wedding is, and embarrassing as it would be to call it off, it's super expensive and way more embarrassing to get divorced in less than 3 years.
Good luck.
1) I had second thoughts. got married. Got divorced 6 months later.
2) NO! I don't.
i really think you just need to move on.
I was engaged, and XFI called it off. I had never wanted kids, and he always wanted to be a father, but he thought that he would be able to be ok not having kids...then he realized that he was lying to himself and not being true to himself. Was it embarassing to call off the wedding? Yes. My parents were out a few grand in non-refundable deposits. BUT getting divorced is SO much more expensive.
I'll echo what PP said--marriage doesn't fix problems; it just makes them permanent. If the things that you mentioned are issues for you, at the very least, you need to postpone the wedding and do some serious couples counseling to see if they are fixable. But again, as PP said, people only *really* change when they're changing for themselves, not when they're changing for another person. There are a few women on this board who felt more like roommates or friends with their XHs because things were lacking in the sex/romance department...that is not a problem that will go away in its own, and it's an important component of a marriage, for most people, so you need to ask yourself if you can live like that for the next 40 or 50 years...because it won't improve on its own and may not improve even with counseling.
1. I had lots of second thoughts and was going to end my engagement but then found out I was pregnant so we not only got married but we moved the wedding up. Now 5 1/2 yrs later I am just waiting for him to get on the same page as me so we can divorce. I kept waiting for him to change and it hasn't happened. I kept thinking that our marriage would work b/c we would grow into it (we were only 21/23 when we got married). We have 2 kids, a house, 2 dogs, and both have good jobs. On paper we look really good/happy; behind closed doors we are not.
I ignored TONS of red flags and those gut instincts that told me I shouldn't marry him b/c I thought we could "work it out" or that my doubts would just magically disappear. It didnt happen.
2. No I dont think people can change unless THEY want to. I don't what it is you want to change about your FI but chances are he won't change unless HE is ready/wants to.
All that being said only you can decide what's right for you. If I could go back and do it again I would have not married my H.
These are problems I seriously recommend you sort out before you get married. Some of them you'll have to live with (A guy who isn't romantic will probably never really be romantic, so it's up to you to decide how important that is to you). Some of these things may be temporary problems, like the sex and the job dissatisfaction. Maybe they will change, but you can't "hope" they'll change. If they're bothering you now, imagine how much they'll bother you ten more years from now! At the very least, you should sit down and talk about them.
If you're considering therapy, I would definitely recommend it. I wish we'd gone to pre-marital counseling and taken it seriously, because I think we each had enough doubts that maybe we should have rethought it. We ended up putting in 8 years of hard work trying to make our marriage work, and eventually we both just said, "You know what? It's been a long time, and we're still having the same disagreements we had when we got married. Maybe we should cut our losses and start over?" And here we are.
My mother is really judgmental and behind my back (i've heard her tell my aunt) thinks I can do better
butterflies are a thing of the past.
These are not reasons to call things off.
Your mother may think she has your best interests at heart, but at the end of the day, this is your marriage. Not hers. My mother loves my XH. In fact, she told me she was sad we were splitting up, because I probably won't find anyone else. She actually sent me a column from a "divorce-prevention center." I know she thinks she's helping, but I can't let her influence me, because frankly, she's just not me.
If you've been together for 10 years, when was the last time you even had butterflies?! My butterflies rarely have a shelf life of more than a few months. Luckily, I'm like a lepidopterist. I can put the dead ones in a case and remember what they were like.
These are a lot of things that are very significant. I can see why you are having second thoughts. I also had second thoughts when I was engaged previously and decided that it was best that I move on and left the relationship and I am very glad I did. I look back now and see a lot of the signs that at the time I was unable to see, but I went with my gut instinct to not marry that man.
If you are having second thoughts, please don't just go along with marriage because you have ten years invested in someone. At least now you can still walk away without wasting more time on this person. Individual counseling can help you figure out why you've stayed with a man for ten years whom you are just not sure about. Trust me, there are men out there who can give you what you want/need, you don't have to settle for this one.
I had second thoughts. Not so much during the planning, but the morning of the wedding. I woke up feeling sick, and having anxiety. I remember my grandmother asking me if I was sure that I wanted to marry him. I said yes, but I think my instincts were telling me no. We started dating when I was 16, got married at 21, divorced at 26 (though we said during one fight 6 months after we got married that we never should have).
I don't want to tell you not to do it. Just trust your instincts, and take the time to figure out if it is just jitters, or if you feel like it's a mistake. I second the pps who say to get some counseling (individual for sure, and couples if you think it would help).
Pretty much ditto to what everyone else said. I had major second thoughts before my marriage, to the point where a month before the wedding, I told my H that I couldn't marry him, went home to my parents, and then went back because they convinced me it was "just cold feet." We were separated after 6 months, and after two months of "trying to talk about it" which just wasn't happening, I moved across the country to clear my head. He isn't communicating with me right now.
I do believe that people can change, but when you're married to someone, all those problems you sort of wished might go away become "holy crap, this is going to be the rest of my life" problems. Plus, unless you're both really strong and secure in who you are, it's so easy to fall into what you or the other person expects "marriage" to be, rather than a relationship that's mutually satisfying.
Being with the same person from 17 to 27 is no small feat. I'm 25, and I feel like a completely different person from when I was 17, or even 23, and by no means do I feel like an "adult" now. I guess the question is, "can you see yourself growing with this person for the next 10-20 years?" You're still so young, unless your life goal is to have 10 kids or something, if you're not sure, cut your losses and move on.
I had some second thoughts before we got married, and I dismissed them because I guess I thought that affection for him - I "loved him" - was enough. In my case, I grew to love him more but we weren't IN love, and that wasn't enough to keep us together through the tough times that all marriages experience.
Of course in my case it's because he was a low down no good sonofabitch lying scum, but its likely the same for human marriages.
Most people don't change unless THEY want to. If you're not 1000 percent sure, don't do this. If you couldnt marry him exactly the way he is right now, don't marry him.
You both deserve better.