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Emotionally Checked-out
Hi Guys,
Hopefully the last post from me for a bittie, but you all have always been so helpful.
Have any of you been so checked-out of your marriage and been able to check back in? I feel like I should, but I just don?t want to even work on my marriage anymore.
I just have gotten to the point of indifference in my relationship. If you look at some of my past posts, I?ve expressed my unhappiness in a variety of different ways. My husband was emotionally distant (all of my issues were ?petty? so we didn?t talk about them), never put me first, had serious communication issues, asked me to get on anti-depressants a while back (which I did for about 6 months!), was never at home, we didn?t do things together, don?t feel the sexual connection/chemistry, sex is bad. I?ve done some really horrible things along the way, which my husband seems to be willing to accept and move on.
I?ve been in counseling since August and have done some marriage counseling as well. Well, my husband is now acting like a model husband ? calling to check in with me, coming home early, running errands for me, talking about the relationship and opening up. It?s like he?s a new man.
But ? I still just yearn for freedom. This man totally loves me and I doubt I will ever find anyone who loves me as much as this man does. But I don't want to be around him, I don't want to talk about the relationship anymore - I just want to be left alone. It feels like my love for him has just died.
I take marriage vows very seriously, so this is all still so hard for me. He is doing EVERYTHING right now, and I?m still so withdrawn, don?t want to be touched, etc.
Thoughts? Help? Ideas?
Re: Emotionally Checked-out
Ditto. It's pretty crappy of you to keep him around because you don't think you'll ever find someone who will love you as much as him.
This paragraph to me means it is time to admit that you are done. I guess what he is doing is too little too late. Maybe he can apply it to other relationships. Do yourself and him a favor and leave. Everybody gets married wanting it to be forever- It doesn't always work out.
But ? I still just yearn for freedom. This man totally loves me and I doubt I will ever find anyone who loves me as much as this man does. But I don't want to be around him, I don't want to talk about the relationship anymore - I just want to be left alone. It feels like my love for him has just died.
How long have you guys been married?
How long were you married before you had issues?
How long has he been model husband?
We have be married for a little over 2 years, together over 6 years.
These issues started before we got married. I just ignored them/buried my head in the sand and said everything was OK. I would say things were never "awesome" in our relationship - I just had a low self-esteem, dated a lot of jerks, and this guy was nice to me and really seemed interested. I would say the issues started in 2008?
Model husband - maybe 2-3 months.
He really is a sweet man, and I don't want to jump to conclusions. I sometimes think this may just be the seven year itch....a year early?
FFS leave the poor man already!
I feel sorry for your husband, I think that is the first time I've ever actually said that here in a not sarcastic way.
You have been posting on here for months debating whether or not to leave him & admitting that you are not in love with him. You have kissed 4 other men and 'accidentally' left a printout of the post where you confessed to us on your printer then were shocked when he found it.
Stop being such a wimp and file. He deserves better than a wife that doesn't love him and better than a wife that makes out with other men & leaves the proof lying around hoping that he'll be the one to leave.
One thing I will say - I actually did NOT leave the printou on our printer. It was in my binder of counseling items. He TOLD me he found it on the printer, but it was already hole punched and put in my binder. It took me a day or two to figure that out. He was digging through my papers. Not that it changes what I did, but still - he was looking.
I think it's really easy to say leave, but not always so easy to actually do it. And I do care for this man, though I know I'm only posting the negative things. Hurting him upsets me.
Yet you continue on in this farce of a marriage. You don't think it's going to be more painful ten years from now, for him to suddenly hear you say "I've been done with our relationship for the past 12 years." How many foffing times, are we going to go through this?
It's going to hurt him when you leave. But then later on he's going to be hurting a lot more when he realizes how you willingly deprived him of the chance to have a good marriage, and children with someone who loves him.
No one is telling you it will be easy. It's very rarely easy to do the right thing. However, the difficulties in doing right, usually makes the right thing feel more rewarding, because you've grown as a person through the process.
Put on your big girl panties, and hire a lawyer. If you are truly interested in hurting him as little as possible, do it sooner rather than later.
Ohhh, I forgot that you kissed other men.
I understand that you don't want to hurt him, but you already are hurting him. He will be okay though. You both deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you. You need to let him go.
If the tables were reversed, would you want him to stay with you out of, what seems like, only pity?
Also, if you've been together for 6 years and it's never been awesome, it's not going to magically get awesome now.
Oh for christs sake...
you dont take marriage very seriously or you wouldnt go around kissing other men.
and please give us a break your h will survive just fine without you, he will probably be very happy. dont give yourself so much credit.
leave the guy already and do him a huge favor. the whining about it is getting old.
it isnt easy you are right, but lots of us have done it, and the fact that you think you are doing him a huge favor by staying is just really just making me want to vomit!
Wow...understood. I will be sure to not post anything here in the future.
I NEVER once said my husband would be unhappy without me. Of course he could find a lovely girl and be happy. I also never said I was doing him a "favor" by staying.
I know my actions contradict my beliefs. No excuses for what I did and I know that.
Just end it. You are not happy, you both deserve to be with someone you love that loves you back.
You wouldn't have kissed FOUR other men if you hadn't already, in some way, checked out of the marriage. Let him go and find a faithful wife that is thrilled to be with him. And find someone you will be thrilled to be with. Life is too short, and you will only hurt him more if you keep putting this off.
Here I'll do it. Just leave this on the table.
Dear husband
I know that we've put a lot of effort into our marriage, in the last several months. You've changed and grown so much as an individual, and I truly appreciate all your efforts. However, no amount of growth or change, will fix a marriage between two people who are just not meant to be together. You deserve to have a wonderful relationship, filled with trust, and mutual love for each other, which is something, I know we will never have. I care about you too much to deprive you of the chance of a truly happy life. I've moved into a hotel, and have begun the divorce process. My lawyer's business card is on the table. I think it's best if all future communications be done through our attorneys, for awhile at least. I'm so sorry, and I hope we can do this with as little pain as possible.
Sincerely
Sarabeth09