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JessiJane777
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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How would you feel about this?
My cousin eloped and her MIL was NOT happy. At all. Refused to speak to them for months, didn't acknowledge their birthdays, Christmas or anything. Apparently, she was appalled they went to Vegas and got married...whatever, they are adults.
She's pregnant and over the moon...MIL found out from family and now wants to be best friends...she's pretty upset and annoyed, but her H is like, see, I knew she'd come around. He's thrilled his mom is over her issues, but my cousin feels hurt and thinks this may lead to other issues. I don't know, I think her MIL was a jerk ...
What do you think?
Re: How would you feel about this?
The MIL was probably really hurt, I would be too if my kid got married and I couldn't be there. What can she do really, I mean not be close to her grandbaby over an elopement?
I think they all just need to bit the bullet, get over it, and move on and be happy about the baby.
I was going to say the same thing. I still say to this day I did not get accepted by my MIL until I gave them a grandchild. Ed always said it was nothing personal but his mom would not approve of any girl he ever brought home aka: a no-one-is-good-enough-for-my-son mentality.
Maybe the MIL is really religious and/or old school and the Vegas wedding really upset her? I can tell you right now if I ever trotted off to Vegas I would probably have gotten the same silent treatment. Much like if I had a kid before I got married. (my cousin got the side eye for that) Hell, I got the side eye moving in together before we were married. hahaha...
ETA: I hope the MIL gets over her issues soon.
Mommy to Stephanie Lena - 2.13.07 and Evan Ralph - 9.23.10
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Christmas Card Picture - 2011
(aka: the only picture I could get of them together that was not blurry and had them both sitting still!)
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This is how I would feel.
Also, for the previous poster that said she was probably really hurt about not being there...her MAIN concern was that they weren't going to have party and what would the family think? They are in their 30s and adults. If my child came to me and told me the eloped and they were independent and happy, what could I do? I'd be happy for them and life goes on...
I would be devastated if my child got married without me there. I personally wouldn't have cut communication and that was wrong of the MIL, but I think it's wrong to just address the MIL's "issues.". She was hurt by them.
That aside, her son is having a baby. That can change many situations. Sometimes people need another happy event (or sad event) to reunite with family. It sounds like she's trying to be nice to get to see her grandchild....and I don't see a problem with that. Let bygones be bygones.
this. your friend needs to grow up, too. the MIL didn't get to see her son get married. this is huge.
it sounds like the MIL is trying to get over it. your friend needs to do the same.
See, I DO see a problem with being nice to get to the grandchild...if you don't respect me, the child's MOTHER, than why would I allow you contact with y child?
i agree with lauren. have a conversation, discuss it, air everyone's grievances, but move on...life is way too short to hold grudges...
it's probably not about the party. it could just be that she wanted to see her son get married. now she's realized that by cutting them out she's going to miss out on everything, including her grandchild.
seriously, sometimes everyone needs to grow up. tell your cousin to put on her big girl panties and do something nice for her DH.
if she gave a heart felt apology and was otherwise a nice person- i'd let it go and try to build the relationship... if she didn't apologize, and is just a wack- i'd keep my distance.
I'd be very hurt if my son eloped, too... i wouldn't NOT talk to him, etc- but everyone deals with things in their own way... if she was normal and apologized, i see no reason to keep the anger going.
Really? You're friend would cut her MIL out of their life because the woman was hurt by their actions and reacted badly? I don't see how that is a good answer and how it solves anything. If it took a baby to make the MIL see what she was missing by her bad behavoir than it's time for everyone to say their apologies and move on.
My grandmother did that to my parents and my aunt and uncle too before there were kids in the picture. I'm so glad that they made up and I had my grandmother in my life.
Mom to Teagan 4.11.07 and Cora 9.30.11
D&E @ 22w 9.30.09 CMV infection BFP 10.15.10 C/P 4w4d
Your friend needs to just move on. Yes, what the mil did was pretty bad but they did deprive the woman of being there to see him get married. Two sides to the story. Coming from someone whose inlaws created a whole lot of drama for us and to whom we did not speak to for justified reasons- I saw how sad it made dh. No matter how mad I was with them or how hurt, I took the chance to patch things up as soon as the opportunity arose. It did it for my husband and b because I love dh more than any grudge.
because it's not really about the wife. It's about the husband & it's his mother. If he wants to have a relationship with his mother, and wants her to have one with their child, his wife should be supportive.
We don't speak to my MIL, she doesn't know we have a child, we don't even know where she is. She was really sh*tty to me for a long time, but the bottom line is that it was my husband's mother, while he wanted to try to have a relationship with her, I sucked it up and was supportive. He eventually cut her out of our lives, but that was his decision, not mine.
Let me expand to say: I would feel hurt, angry, pissed off, and vindictive. I would feel like holding her future grandchild against her. I would feel entitled to being vengeful and holding a grudge, and all that would be true and valid. In my own family, with very, very deep hurts not dissimilar to what you've described, I have felt all those things.
However, I would also, as a mother, not want to come between a mother and her grown child, no matter how shitty that mother was to me. I would not want to deprive a baby of her grandmother. I would not want to come between my husband and his mom. I would definitely hash it out, set boundaries, and invite her into our lives graciously as best I could.
Because the past is the past, and the present is all we have, and the future is about the baby.
I would feel that it's none of my business and that you can't be in their relationship and the dynamic with her in-laws. I don't think you should be influencing her either way.
It may lead to other issues but those will be their issues to deal with as a couple. It's a wait and see kind of thing. Maybe she's seen the error of her ways, who knows? The most important thing is that she and her husband be on the same page to have a plan as to what they will do when/if something like this happens again.
i would say that if my son/daughter got married without telling me, i would be heartbroken. did she KNOW they were getting married? my friend told everyone they were engaged and eloping, and would have a low key reception later, but did not tell anyone when their plane tickets were booked for or anything else. their parents were bummed about not being invited to see their children take such important steps, but at least they KNEW about it.
i also think that your cousin should be a bit more understanding and give her time to "grieve"... not sorry for her choice even, but just acknowledge it's a rough thing for most parents and give them whatever time they want and hope they get over it soon. if i got pregnant- i would ensure that the soon-to-be-grandparents heard it first, even if we weren't speaking much, and FROM me/dh. I think your cousin is making a crappy situation crappier to be honest. She can say to her MIL "Look, you can't just abandon us everytime we do something that you don't like, i'm sorry you were hurt, but you were also being hurtful by the way you handled it. In the future, you can't do that again. Especially when there's an innocent child in the game." But she's not really any better than MIL if she's going to hold a grudge and refuse to get over it, just like MIL did.
without going back and quoting...
1- i think the OP said she said she was only upset because what would the family think of not having a party.... uhm. i'm not a psychologist, nor do i play one on tv, but you don't need to to know that most people aren't as open with their feelings to say "It made me feel insignificant and deeply hurt that i wasn't invited to witness my sons marriage." They say "Well, you're being dumb. Don't you want presents?" People don't respond that strongly if it's as simple as a party.
and to the post about why would you allow her contact to your child after this... uhm. So in 5 years when your kid asks "Why don't we ever see grandma?" you don't have to say "She's not allowed to have contact with you because she was upset we didn't invite her to our wedding for a few months." See how dumb that sounds?