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What do I do?
Just need some advice on how to handle a situation with a friend, I am in her wedding in August. I got married last March and needless to say this friend and my maid of honor made my pre-wedding festivities less than exciting, and this friend has made numerous stabs at me such as when we got engaged saying how long have you guys even known each other? Her and her now fiance have been together since we were in high school and are now into our late 20's, so they've obviously been together a lot longer than I have even know my husband but I also didn't meet him until I was in my mid twenties so the thought of settling down is a little more on your mind than when you are in high school. She has made other comments things that we did in our wedding that she doesn't understand why anyone would do that, when we go out for dinner all she talks about is herself, the wedding and well thats about it. She never asks about me, my husband or really anything going on in our lives as we have went through a big change moving far away, getting new jobs and so on. Anyway thats a little recap of everything that has happened.....
Well tonight I received a text message from her saying when she wants her shower and bachelorette party, her and her fiance want a couples shower at a somewhat expensive place where we have to cater in food for 20-25 people, and for her bachelorette party she may want to drive 3 hours to be somewhere else where we wouldn't have the chance of running into her fiance's bachelor party. Mind you that when it came to my shower and my bachelorette party her and my maid of honor fought constantly involving me in all of it and she was the one complaining about cost. I am only a bridesmaid in her wedding so my husband says I don't have to worry about any of it unless I am asked by her sister the maid of honor. I feel like I still need to do something I just was always under the impression that the bridal party is who plans the shower and bachelorette party. It seems like she is just planning it all and then expecting us to pay but is willing to pitch in for any cost.
Shortly after our wedding I did a little bit of self searching and kind of decided the types of people I want in my life and I have tried to rid myself of the selfish people who don't do anything to benefit me and it seems that they more than suck the life out of me. We used to hang out with this couple often but after feeling like everything was a competition when we were around them about who's ring was bigger, who made more money and so on. My husband and I are not this way and tend to keep our personal business to ourselves let alone gloat about material possessions. I guess I just don't really know what to do or say to her or just wait and see how things play out. Our texts ended tonight with me saying I guess just let me know what I need to do, and her reply was sure will.
Just looking for some insight and guidance...... thanks for listening.
Re: What do I do?
I am sorry about your situation. I had a friend like this, but 'broke up' with her before my wedding, and haven't talked to her since. The last straw(s) were her terrible behavior when we were in a wedding together (she was the MOH) and she was always railing on the bride (her best friend) for being indecisive, and frankly, wanting to keep things simple, and her anger at me for not having her in my wedding. I couldn't deal with her back-handed comments, obsession with how everything was affecting only her all the time, and the pity parties she'd have for herself when others were doing well.
In your situation, since you've committed to being in the wedding, the polite this is to contribute, but set reasonable limits. Tell her what you can afford as far as a total contribution to all pre-wedding events, and that you are glad to do as much as possible to make her day special within limits. The other option I'd consider, if you are done with all of the stress, is to let her know you need to decline being in the wedding. This will likely end the friendship, but it sounds like it would get there anyway. You're right, all of us need people who can listen & care, not only be selfish. Good luck.
Seriously. Just because you were friends in high school or whatever doesn't mean you need to be friends as adults. But I have a feeling if you let her walk all over you and be toxic now you're not going to listen to us saying that you should just lose this friendship that is more frenemy than friend.
So yeah, let the maid of honor plan the stuff, I don't even understand why you want to be involved in the planning. Tell the sister what you can afford and then pay that. Then when it's all over get real with yourself and make some decisions about whether you want this relationship in your life. There is no crime in growing apart. Or deciding as an adult that you really don't like someone and don't want them in your daily life.
I wouldn't dance around this a whole lot with her, to be honest. I'd write back and tell her "Thanks for the info. Who is heading up planning this? Your sister? If so, have her contact me about the details. I'm not sure what I'll be able to contribute, but I can talk to her about budget and so forth."
Remember- NO ONE can make you spend more than you can afford. She can 'want' the shower at that restaurant all she wants, but in the end, it's up to the people throwing the shower and footing the bill. And even if her sister or whoever insists it's there - you can say "Well, I can contribute $___". You don't HAVE to split it evenly.
The bride may need a reality check.
Same w/ the b-party. You don't have to go if yo udon't want.
But saying "no" to all of this will probably piss her off. It might be easier to just back out of the wedding all together.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
SEriously - don't go into debt over her wedding. And the b-party, despite what some brides think, is not a "must attend" event. You can say "no" to going. The shower is also optional, but as part of the wedding party, I do find that more important to go to.
BUT yo ushould not go into debt for this....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10