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Trainwreck for sure...vent of sorts
I thought I was feeling better, really I did. Apparently I am not. I got so frustrated today with dumbfuckingshit that I took a serrated bread knife to my arm to make everything quiet for a minute in my mind. BF rushed into the kitchen, realizing what I was about to do, tried to stop me but was way too late. So, gushing blood, to the ER we go. *sigh*
8 hours, 6 stitches, blood and urine tox screens, and a two hour meeting with a mobile therapist later, they decided not to admit me since I am seeking help, seeing a therapist, on meds, and verbally and cognitively aware of what I am doing is wrong, that I am fully aware of my problem and why it is a problem. Part of me is glad to be home, and the other part of me wishes I was admitted, because maybe I could get a grip on how to express myself differently and why traumatizing incidents from years ago are surfacing now. I have to say that the therapist that was doing my eval was amazingly insightful and he let me express how I was feeling. He pinpointed alotofshit that is why I do what I do. It was like he knew me after only two hours. Weird.
My BF proved a lot of patience with me today, and I am amazed he stays with me during all of my crazyfuckinginsane outbursts. I saw a man today in him that is incredibly strong and worthy of all of my respect. He loves me. He wants so badly for me to get better. He is going to my therapy sessions with me starting this week, so he can get a grasp on how to help me. I am floored. He sobbed crying because he couldn't help me. I just don't know what to say.
I feel so undeserving of anything good. Of love. Of a life that is not dismal. I hate myself so much. But I don't at the same time. Does that even make sense?
I have some goals in my recovery. I will make a list of things I like about myself every day. Even if it's only one thing. I will write it down and carry it with me. I will try to be aware of my surroundings and take in the positive. I will try to let go of the past. I will try to look toward the future and live positively.
After being so disgusted with myself for hurting myself again, I really have been inspired. I am going to try harder. I will do this. I will fix me. I will be a whole person. I will enjoy my life, despite the hardships of my past. I will be, ohfuckthat, I AM. WORTH IT.
Thank you for listening. I am not doing this for attention or to be a drama lama, I am just dealing with mental illness, and trying to recover. These boards are helpful and supportive, and I just needed to come here and let it out. Thanks.
Re: Trainwreck for sure...vent of sorts
Oh honey, I too, have been there. I haven't cut in years, but it can be such a HARD habit to break.
When you are getting ready for the day do you look in the mirror? I know this seems like an obvious question, but I realized one day that I didn't. I would brush my hair and not put make up to avoid seeing myself in the mirror. I started making myself look in the mirror, and when it is especially difficult (when the depression and self hatred seems to mount highest), I force myself to say 10 nice things about myself. "I try hard", "I am a good person", etc. Even if it's "I'm having a good hair day", it helps.
Thank you everyone. This is so hard. I don't look in the mirror. I brush my teeth in the shower, I don't wear makeup (I used to) because I don't want to look at myself. I just don't know any other way to do this.
I didn't want to go inpatient yet. I'm not ready. I need to get FMLA forms and get a way to get money because if I don't work, I won't get paid, and I can't pay my bills easily already. I just can't put myself under that stress to be de-stressed, yet, know what I mean?
I'm just sick of hating myself and taking my inner agression out on people I love, and I know that if I don't fix this I will be alone and angry and sad and I would have failed.
I feel more positive today. I know its a long road but I'm going to fix myself.
((hugs Liubot))
::kick Liubot in the seat of her pants:: You go and get those forms. If you need help filling them out ask a friend/family member. People want to help. You are worth the effort!!
::waves pom poms for Liubot::
The bolded part concerns me. Would you really know when you're ready for inpatient? You cutting yourself to the point of needing stitches screams you need inpatient therapy. I'm glad you're continuing to fix you and getting help, but honestly, it seems a little bigger than outpatient therapy and acknowledging there are issues.
This is said out of geniune concern and from someone working with severely ill mental health people for a living.