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Thoughts on young brides.
Just curious about a few things
1) if someone is young but very mature and invested in school or what have you do you still look down on them for being young and married?
2) what do you consider a young bride?
3) thoughts on young brides?
Re: Thoughts on young brides.
someone who claims to be "mature for her age."
The answer to all of these questions is that you change more than you can possibly imagine. It has very little to do with school, etc.
There are quite a few women here who got married young. It worked out for some, not so much for others, but I don't think very many would recommend it.
I'm so bored with this topic.
Next, please.
Whenever I hear Chesh's IRL name I think "Scissor" --MontereyBride
1) Anyone who claims to be really mature usually isn't.
2) Anyone who gets married before the brain is fully developed.
3) I think they're dumb.
Marriage has a much better chance of lasting 'until death do you part' the older you are when you take the plunge,
Live your life. Go to school. Finish school. Figure out who you are.
The last one is key. If you don't know who you are, then who are you to drag another human along for the ride while you try to figure it out?!
I was married at 22.
I did not go about proclaiming my maturity on the boards. Actions speak louder than words and all that.
Oh no that wasn't the point of this thread. I was just genuinely curious about your stance.
Thought #1: why is there a young newbie asking what we think of young brides *every* week?
Thought #2: The problem with marrying very young isn't maturity or lack thereof. You and your partner will change and grow over time. Particularly in your 20s. (There are opportunities that only happen at that time in life. If you pass them up your professional and personal lives cannot recapture them.) If you don't change, that is it's own problem. If you do, you will probably grow in different directions. That leaves you with two options (1) giving up your own dreams and talents to put the marriage first or (2) being a bad spouse. Neither is a great option. Going forward in a relationship but waiting until you are older to marry allows you to enter marriage with your eyes wide open but not limit yourself.
Thought #3: Very young: not yet graduated from college or under 23 if never attended college. Young: early to mid twenties. Not so young: late twenties on.
Thought #4: See #2.
1. I am a family lawyer. I don't look down on young brides, I pity and fear for them, the odds are so stacked against them. And it seems the giddier they are, the worse the odds.
2. Under twenty five.
3. I don't think they love any less than older brides; I think they take a bigger risk, is all, and have a lot more to lose.
Having no college degree or six degree college degrees doesn't make you more ready to attach yourself legally, emotionally,and pysically to a single person for the rest of your life. The only thing that makes you ready is time, and living life and really knowing yourself. Getting married young is hard, and the extra amount of work that goes into it can be completely avoided by waiting until you've both gotten to know yourselves better. I didn't listen to the people who told me that, or the extremely obvious bright red flags and blaringly loud warning bells that were going off because I too was "mature for my age" at 20 when I got engaged. You live and learn, but you have to give yourself the time to live so you don't have to learn the hard way.
20-25 year olds should be concerned with starting a career, building credit, and partying with friends on the weekends.
Ditto
Seriously, I never even realized you were a youngin'!
I was 23, never made a big deal about it, never claimed to be mature for my age, never needed to justify myself or my marriage, and I never got any grief for it. I agree that what's important when you marry young is that you continue to grow and mature together. eta: and what's important here on the nest is that you not make "young brides" the hill you stake your flag on.
*thumbs up*
Ah well, like many things in life, my thought is: it depends.
1. I don't think being invested in your education automatically makes you mature. I had a rough childhood and people used to say I was so mature for going to college early, getting good grades, working FT while in college, and stuff like that. Even as a young child, I had a demeanor of someone much older. Being thrust into the role of a mini adult actually left me kind of emotionally stunted and immature. It was not something people could see on the outside.
I might even be more concerned for a young bride that is invested in their education. Most young brides I have known were seemingly intelligent and planning on finishing their college education. Very few of them actually did graduate on time. I think that percentage would be higher if they didn't get married.
2. 22 and younger
3. I was one and looking back I think it is dumb. We are still together, but many young couples that have gotten married after us are already divorced. We are hardly the same people we were when we got married. I consider it pure luck that we grew together instead of apart and continue to have the same goals in life. I think too many young couples have the idea that simply being in love is enough or that you can somehow control growing together as opposed to apart by being more invested in their marriage. I don't agree with that.
2) what do you consider a young bride?
Someone who assumes that "being invested in school" is the pinnacle of maturity
1. I don't, off-the-cuff, "look down on" anyone who gets married young. It depends on the person, for one thing. I know people who got married at THIRTY who probably still weren't mature enough, and I know people who got married at 20 who are more mature than I am.
I will agree, though, with a lot of the previous posters and say that the person who claims to be more mature? Probably isn't.
2. Early 20s is a young bride.
3. The main reason people are skeptical of those who marry young is that you do a huge amount of changing and growing in your 20s, particularly the first half of your 20s. The rebuttal to this is often, "We can change and grow together." Well, great. But the amount of change that happens in a person at that age means that more often than not, you grow in different directions. OR, you're in such a frenzy to make your marriage work that one person subjugates their own desires and dreams in the guise of compromise. Ten years later, that person very often becomes resentful and chafes in the relationship, which inevitably leads to a breakdown.
There is nothing inherently wrong with getting married young; there is a huge problem with getting married young and assuming you'll be together forever. This is not our grandparents' generation, and I hate that comparison.
To be blunt -- if you're that mature, you can hang on and wait a few years to get married. And don't invest jointly in equity in the meantime.
Updated September 2012.
I have to agree with every single thing Lucy said.
It scares me to think how miserable of a human being I would be right now if I had gone thru with the wedding I had planned to my ex-fiancee when I was 22. Luckily I got my head out of my ass in time and realized what a huge mistake I would be making. I was one of those girls that thought they had their head on straight and was "mature for her age" but looking back now I didn't know sh!t.
I had this huge post about how DH and I got married way too young (I WAS FREAKING SEVENTEEN) and that even though we've been married for five years and are very lucky and very happy and blah blah blah, you still shouldn't get married young because you're not ready and you're missing out on stuff and all sorts of other things, but TN ate it.
So, in a word. Don't. Wait until you're at least 25. You'll probably thank yourself later.
I know that young marriage is not for everyone, it is not for A LOT of people; but that does not mean it won't work!
One of the things that everyone says is that we have growing to do, we all do. No matter how old you are, you are going to change. It is a fact of life. If you are 25 you are not going to be the same person at 30. Believe it or not, people can grow together, not just apart.
We may be young, but we are happy, and we love each other. We know that our chances of staying together are not as high as they could have been, but do you want to know a very interesting fact that everyone seems to forget.
Couples who have sex outside of marriage have a lower chance of staying together. It is not just age that makes a difference. So before you say that our marriage is doomed because we got married at 16 and 20, stop and think about all of the other things that make a difference. Age is not the only factor.
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