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Advice for dealing with BF's hostile ex?
I am new to this forum and hope I have found the appropriate place to post this. I am about to move in with my boyfriend of almost a year and I have some concerns about this ex-wife. They have a very small child who lives with her in another city (she basically took off right after baby came) and he is finally beginning to gain proper visitation. I have accompanied him once already and she was polite to me and it went well. But I have concerns about her behaviour going forward.
She is extremely materialistic and money-obsessed, and her MO so far has been to try and milk him for as much as she can get because, due to the short length of the marriage, she will not be entitled to much in the way of spousal support. He has no difficulties paying the child support, that is not the issue. The issue is money for HER. I worry that she is never going to let it rest and that we will be bankrupting ourselves in lawyer fees for the rest of our lives just trying to keep things reasonable.
I am great at keeping and sticking to a budget, but I worry that she will be able to come to him for 'special' expenses and we won't be able to predictably plan for those. If it would cost less to pay it than it would to try and stop it with a lawyer, I can see him just paying it. But how can we budget, not knowing what the amount will be? How can we make sure that we can financially plan for ourselves while still meeting his obligations to his son?
Just as an example, she's sent him daycare receipts for the last month, which according to their interim agreement, he has to pay a share of. The receipts were all hand-written and did not include the address or phone number of the daycare provider. They also included billings for three days where she was on holiday, and two other days when we know for sure the child was not in daycare because he was with us for our monthly visit.
I am a child of divorce myself; I get that he has an obligation to his son, I have no resentments or issues with that and would never interfere in that area. But the ex is another story 
I am just worried that every time we get into a routine where we feel settled and like things are going well, she'll pop up with some special expense that she'll try to sucker him into paying for, and we'll go broke paying for lawyer bills.
Any advice? Even if not, it felt good to vent about it. Thanks for listening.
Re: Advice for dealing with BF's hostile ex?
1. Are you just getting this information from him? Because I would bet that plenty of our ex's would tell others how crazy and money hungry we are. Child support is his obligation and to be used by the child's mother for whatever she uses it for. It's not your concern what she does with it as long as the child is being taken care of.
2. This is not your issue...this is your bf's issue and if I were you I would stay the heck out of it. He needs to deal with this himself and not involve you. If requires receipts, then he needs to make sure they are from the place directly, not from her, and if he gets them hand written he should A) Call the daycare directly for a bill
Not pay it until he does A
3. I'm confused why you're moving in with someone who isn't divorced and doesn't seem to have clear boundaries with his ex.
1. Keep your finances separate. At this point she can continue to go after your BF but she can't touch your money. Also be quiet with anyone about your salary, career, etc.
2. Spend the money on a good lawyer to go over options. You'll 100% have to do this if you two ever want to get married when your finances ultimately are joint. Of course this situation occurs often and there are legal ways of handling things to keep you protected but you'll have to speak with an attorney about that.
3. Your husband should be able to have a court dictate the amount of support he must pay. If his ex wants more money she'd have to take him back to court and show legit documentation (not hand written, sketchy daycare receipts) to potentially receive extra support which would inevitably deter her from casual money demands at random times.
4. Due to your BF's baggage (his ex that will always be apart of his life) I'd continue to date a very long time before making anything more permanent than living together.
As for "spousal support" - this also needs to be dealt w/ by an attorney. I'm actually confused as to why she'd get any anyhow. They had a short marriage? Did she SAH or did she work? If she did SAH and needs some time to get back on her feet- that's one thing.
But the days of where the man was responsible for basically supporting his ex for the rest of her life are kind of done and over.
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all this.
and ditto on keeping your expenses separated.
finally, realize that this issue will not go away. It may get better at times, but the child support and other payments will always be in the picture. Think long and hard about being with someone with these types of strings attached. You can be a little annoyed by the situation, but at the end of the day, you are chosing to take on this stress in your life. Your SO does not have a choice, but you do.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Do you see this relationship headed towards marriage?
Is there a law/list of what can be counted as an extraordinary expense? If the ex is provided receipts and he verifies the authenticity, then I don't see a problem. Daycare is a normal expense.
I know you say she left him and took the baby, but has he told you his side as to why she left? She just got up and left out of the blue?
I am 34 and yes, we are planning marriage.
Henhas told me a lot about the marriage and the reasons for its breakdown we're not anything that would affect his relationship with me. He has had some post-breakup therapy as well. We are on the right track.
As for why she left, other than just base incompatibility, there has been some speculation from his family that she just wanted a baby and that was it. Having met her from what I have seen so far, that does seem possible.
We will be meeting with his lawyer together before I move in because the lawyer is doing up a cohabitation agreement for us. It's a good suggestion to clarify with him what constitutes a special expense and what the procedure is in a disagreement, other than 'pay the lawyer a fortune to go to court.'
The amount he's supposed to pay her for CS and/or alimony should all be laid out in their divorce paperwork. If he doesn't have a CO for this in place, he should. then the problem would be solved.
Still, as I was reading this, I couldn't help but give the situation a side eye. It's rare that a woman would "take off" on a man right after she had his child. Are you certain you know all of the details of the story here? I also don't like the idea that he's just now getting visitation and she is being portrayed as the money grubbing ex. Something seems fishy to me.
I was thinking all this, but couldn't quite articulate it. I totally agree achase.
I have to admit I don't feel like you're getting the whole story here. As for the money issue, realize with kids things pop up all the time. In my agreement it states that their father has to pay for 1/2 of just about everything (new clothes, medical co-pays, after school activities, etc) but obviously these expenses aren't set in stone. One month they might not go to the Dr at all and then another month might be sick as a dog and need to go 2-3 times (ok a bit of a stretch but still the point is there). And as they get older after school activities might increase not only in amount but in cost...
I second seeing if there is an official list of what extra expenses she can claim, and if not I suggest you have your BF sit down with her and for THEM to agree on a list. Notice that's between THEM and has NOTHING to do with you.
That would be my final bit of advice, do NOT deal with this. This is between your BF and his ex about their child. YOU do not come into play in this at all. You may suggest things to your BF, vent to your friends if he does something you don't like, whatever but DO NOT put your nose in their business. I understand that you think this relationship is leading towards marriage so are you prepared to let him do things HIS way with regards to HIS ex and HIS child? Cause it's his decision to either just pay things or fight against them, whether it's a justifiable claim or not. If you don't like the idea of him paying for what YOU think he shouldn't be I'd walk away right now cause it sounds like he might just take the easy road and do that.
YUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you take nothing else away from this post OP, I hope you dig a little deeper. If he hasn't shared a lot of details with you about the breakup, that is beyond weird. I would never accept "she left after she had the baby" and now want to know his side. He'll never tell you everything, but it doesn't seem like he is sharing a whole lot here.
Thank you for the comments, everyone. To clarify, he has shared more with me than what I have posted here. I have seen all of his court documents, all of hers detailing her side, I have met with his lawyer and with his therapist. I know what happened and I know what he has learned from it. I am just not comfortable posting *all* of it on-line, even without my real name
The bottom line for me is that none of her alleged deal-breakers are deal-breakers for me because we are very different people with different goals and wants and needs, and he has learned, the very hard way, what he needs and wants in a partner too. He was naive in some ways when he married her, but I don't feel like a person deserves to be punished forever for something like that. He is entitled to have a happy life with a new partner.
As for 'kids cost money,' yes, I get that. I really and truly do. I came from a divorced home myself and I would never, ever interfere in that. But where we live, that's what child support is supposed to be for. He is not supposed to pay extra on top of that for something like clothes or the odd prescription, because that is what child support for. The 'extraordinary expenses' thing is meant to cover stuff like private schools and sports lessons. And where we have an issue is that because of his son's age, there is no precedent; they can't say well, he was already in private school so let's just continue it. So this means that if she wants it, she has to file a motion and I worry she will do this very often and we'll have to pay a fortune in legal fees. To clarify as explicitly as I can for you, because I think some of you are misunderstanding and feeling like I don't understand his obligations, I am not worried about paying for the kid, I am worried about paying for the lawyer! And since she has rich parents who will pay for hers, and since she is not working and contributing her own share toward the child (not ALL of the kid expenses, just some, as his other parent) and since she is not eligible for much spousal support and so the child support is all she's getting, I worry she is going to take advantage.
I am not anti-kid. I get that they cost money. I totally understand that he has obligations and wants to meet them. But to me there is a difference between paying money for the kid and paying money for lawyer bills because the ex is being unreasonable, and that's the part I am still struggling with a little. It doesn't mean I should run, it doesn't mean this is not the relationship for me, it doesn't mean I or he or anybody are terrible people. It just means that this is something I am working on, and I was trying to get some perspectives from people who have maybe been there a little.
He is not supposed to pay extra on top of that for something like clothes or the odd prescription, because that is what child support for.
You're hurting my head a little. Everyone is responding based on what you told us, and your words weren't "it's frustrating to pay for a lawyer", they were "she's going to continue to manipulate him for money and I worry he'll just give in". Your tone (from how I read it) was you are annoyed with her being money hungry. This is now your new reality as they will coparent this child forever. There is nothing saying he cannot pursue a new relationship or be happy or whatever.
Here's the thing, most coparents DO split the cost of prescriptions, medical stuff, school supplies AND the extracurriculars. None of this is unique to your situation. He should be paying his portion of daycare (although you just said she doesn't work, so that doesn't really make sense). That's part of parenting.
I'm speaking from both sides, just so you know. I am the "money hungry" exwife (even though the amount I receive is the amount my XH suggested and I tried to turn down) AND while we were married I was the new wife dealing with the first exwife who was receiving child support and alimony in an amount more than I made a year. I get it....trust me.
Blended families are hard....if you don't believe me, hop over to the Blended Family board on The Bump.
In my divorce agreement it states specifically how much I get for everything. I do not get anything extra ever.
My CS covers DD's clothes. I do not get anything for those besides my regular support AND I have to provide her clothes when she is with her dad. He has to contribute half of co-payments for drs and up to a certain amount of extra curricular activities. He also has to pay for half of any child care expenses related to working.
My recommendation is that anything related to the cost of caring for this child is put in the divorce agreement.
If she wants continually files motions for this that and the other thing, let her. Your BF does not need an atty to go to court with him to defend this motion. would it help, maybe. But if she doesn't have a leg to stand on then let her file away. If everything is spelled out from day 1 then she can't just decide that she wants more money for something just because.
I recommend that he pay day care directly. I agree with the PP who stated that you still need to pay day care even if a child doesn't go. But what I don't understand is if his STBX isn't working, then why is the child even in day care?
I also agree believe that if she is psychically able work, the judge will make her. She may be awarded temporary spousal support while looking for a job but she will not be able to sit home and collect money from her EX.
The other thing to consider is visitation and holiday schedules. But I am sure he has already discussed this with his lawyer.
Has her atty sent any agreement to your BF attorney to review?