Family Matters
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I can't really talk to my father...

Ok, so sometimes I feel terrible because I don't always answer or return my father's calls, but I just don't even feel comfortable talking to him. He and my mother split when I was 12, and she kept me away from him for several years. They were always fighting when I was younger, and I've seen the both of them do & say horrible things to eachother. I know I souldn;t be passing judgement on my parents, but now that I have a 14 month old daughter of my own and another baby on the way...and a husband of my own I feel like I can better understand what it takes to be a good mom and a good spouse. I feel bad for saying this, but based on my experiences and observations as a child and teen growing up they were terrible role models as parents and spouses. My father was hot tempered and unnecessarily violent, and my mother was almost as bad. They both acted like children, putting the needs of themselves before the needs of their child and their family. My father is especially immature to this day...It seems like he never really grew up, always whining and always saying negative things about himself and everyone, always playing the victim & never taking responsibility for anything he ever did. He cries all the time about everything, and I'm sorry if it seems mean, but it bugs the crap out of me.

 Anyway, thats just a bit of background into my relationship with my parents (I'm not particularly close with either of them, but we are cordial...and I feel extremely tense and uncomfortable being around them or having to talk to them, ESPECIALLY my father). Another thing is that he still talks to me like I'm 10 years old. He does cartoon voices sometimes and calls me "Sweet angel" (I know it sounds sweet, but it gets super annoying after 5 minutes).  

So for the past 3 days he has been calling me. The first couple of days I honestly missed his calls because I was at work, with the baby, or in the bathroom. He just left a couple messages saying that he wants to talk to me and hear my voice. He called again today while I was eating lunch, but I could see that my phone was ringing...I just chose to ignore it and finish eating. This is the message he left me today "Sweet angel, it's making me very depressed that you havent called me back. Please call me and talk to me about you and the baby and your husband. I'm feeling so depressed because you won't call me back. Well, ok byebye". Ok, this is not the kind of message that give me incentive to call him (If anything it annoys me even more and makes me want to ignore him). It might sound harsh of me, but this message just seems to me like a way of emotionally manipulating me just so I will talk to him. He's an adult, and it's not my problem if he can't make himself happy (I believe that we are all in charge of our own happiness), and to try and make me think that I'm causing him emotional distress is just selfish and manipulative. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I just can't stand to talk to him when all he wants to do is be mopey and talk about depressing things (actually, it's annoying to be around ANYONE who only cares about themselves and wants to mope all day long).

I kind of feel like a total *** because he's my dad & I'm supposed to love & honor him and all that, but at the same time he's really annoying the crap out of me and I have no desire to talk to him!

Re: I can't really talk to my father...

  • Tell him to knock off the sweet angel and how it is annoying. I can't blame you for wanting to limit the amount of time with someone who is prone to violence. Cut all conversations short with a simple,"I'll talk to you when you are in a better mood." He is trying to manipulate you and it isn't wrong to want to limit contact. The whole honor thy father does not include people who do not know boundaries or are unworthy. (my interpretation of the commandment)
  • that's tough I'm sorry your dealing with this. I agree with the first post tell him you don't want to talk to him when he's in such a bad mood, you have a family now and bringing negativity into it is just not something you will do. Maybe just say that you don't have the time to talk so much and when you do he needs to keep it positive. Hope everything works out.
  • imageFMIL&MOB:
    The whole honor thy father does not include people who do not know boundaries or are unworthy. (my interpretation of the commandment)

    The bible also tells parents to stop irritating their children :P 

  • imageblinnea23:

    imageFMIL&MOB:
    The whole honor thy father does not include people who do not know boundaries or are unworthy. (my interpretation of the commandment)

    The bible also tells parents to stop irritating their children :P 

     Haha, I must have missed that part :) Thankyou all for the advice. I know he will probably try to call again tomorrow, and If I'm able to I will answer and just forget about the voicemails he left. I'll stay positive, and if I need to cut it short I can just say I have to take care of baby. I don't think he could ever handle me telling him my true feelings...It makes me angry, not about him being a not-so great dad (I felt that I forgave him for than and my childhood before I got married), but I'm angry (and a little sad) that he's just depressed no matter what and there's nothing I or anyone can say or do because happiness is a choice he will have to make for himself. I mean, he is my dad and I want him to be happy, but he's the only one in charge of that, and I have my own family to take care of, not to mention my pregnant self ;) I guess the best I can do is talk to him when I feel like it and just pray for him.

  • You know, that whole "honor thy father and mother" thing could also be interpreted as going out in the world and honoring them by being a credit to the family name.  Just saying.
    image
  • imageimabandgeek4eva:

    Ok, this is not the kind of message that give me incentive to call him (If anything it annoys me even more and makes me want to ignore him). It might sound harsh of me, but this message just seems to me like a way of emotionally manipulating me just so I will talk to him. He's an adult, and it's not my problem if he can't make himself happy (I believe that we are all in charge of our own happiness), and to try and make me think that I'm causing him emotional distress is just selfish and manipulative. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I just can't stand to talk to him when all he wants to do is be mopey and talk about depressing things (actually, it's annoying to be around ANYONE who only cares about themselves and wants to mope all day long).

    It would be completely appropriate for you to say all of this to him. You don't have to go into his terrible parenting to set some honest boundaries as an adult.

    And if you want to maintain contact but not be at his beck and call for days in a row with manipulative messages, then set-up a time - maybe once a week or twice a month- where you call to give an update. He can look forward to it and you can think of information to exchange. None of this "call me back becuase I'm in a bad mood" stuff. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • You may also want to tell him he needs to get professional help.  He can't rely on his daughter for his happiness and/or mental health. 

    What you think, you will become.
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