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Losing a pet - depression advice
Hi everyone. I'm new to posting, but was hoping for some advice.
We recently had to put our dog to sleep. She was a 14 year old Golden Retriever and our baby. My husband had gotten her a few months before we met, and we had her for about 6 years. She did have a mass growing for some time, and we knew that she would get to the point eventually where it would effect her quality of life. I know we made the right decision, but it is SO difficult.
I notice she is not with us all the time. My morning routine revolved around her..taking her out, feeding her etc. Now I'm finding it more difficult to get out of bed than the way I would if she was around. I'd never finished a meal before, we always gave her a tiny scrap of table food (bad I know, but nothing harmful)..and I look for her whenever we eat. My husband and I tend to working conflicting schedules, so being home alone without her seems so lonely.
I know it's normal to be extremely upset. It's only been a week, but I've still cried everyday. I want to grieve for her in a healthy way, but I feel like I'm starting to slip into more depression I should be. I'm really lacking motivation for anything other than work right now.
Any advice on how to grieve in a healthy way?
Re: Losing a pet - depression advice
What you're describing is totally normal. I cried every day for a month, at least, after we put my boy down last summer. And actually, I cried two nights ago, too, so it doesn't just magically go away. But it does get better.
It's hard with animals, because no one affords you the same kind of respect as if you'd lost a human member of your family. So you feel like you ought to be over it in a few days, because so many people treat it like it's no big deal. But of course you're not. Just know that's it's alright to grieve in your own time frame. It would be far more unhealthy, IMO, to deny the way you're feeling right now.
Edit: I also wanted to say, when we lost Griffin, we planted a tree for him in the yard. My kids call it "The Griffin Tree." I'm getting a little memorial stone to put under it in the spring. It was a very healing thing for me to do, for whatever reason.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a pet is always very hard. To be honest I'm not sure you totally get over it but just learn to accept. I almost cried the other day because my Grandma's dog looks so much like the dog we had growing up and it was sitting in one of the same spots our dog used to. So on a quick glance, my mind thought it was my childhood dog before the next thought was no, she's gone.
This may be too soon to suggest but would you be open to adopting another dog? A new dog won't be able to replace the one you lost but it could help you with the routine and not focusing on the empty hole. If this is something you aren't ready for that's totally normal and this is an individual choice on if it would help.
I'm so sorry for your loss. A week is so soon. Give yourself time to grieve and miss your friend. These early days are the toughest, but it does get easier bit by bit.
MH and I lost a cat in November and I think this week was the first time I experienced days without tears coming to my eyes. For us, talking about him a lot helps with the grieving process, but everyone is different. Also for us, we decided adopting another cat after the holidays would help (it ended up being 2). But everyone heals in their own way so do what's right for you guys.
>>hugs<<
My favorite pet was also a golden retriever. I also had to make the terrible decision to let her go, and it was one of the worst decisions of my life.
You're doing okay. It's only been a week! You'll be upset for a very long time. Eventually it won't hurt as much anymore. It will just take time to get used to that bit of emptiness, but as time goes by it won't seem like such a gaping hole.
Only one piece of advice.....don't get another pet too early. After our second dog had to be put down, maybe a year or less after my golden?....my mom went right to the spca and got a new dog in the same week. I didn't want one so soon and I resented it. You don't want to resent a new innocent pet. You already know there's no replacing such a special friend. When you're ready for a new friend, you'll know.
Also.....When I said not to get another pet too early, I meant it. I meant it even more about another dog. But after my mom got that new dog that I wasn't ready for, a year later (maybe?) I got a new kitten and that was something completely different. I didn't feel ready to bond to another dog, but for as for cat, I'd never had one before and it didn't seem feel like I was replacing my Sidney. My new Fiona was such a dramatically different animal and personality. She helped my loneliness and hunger for a new pet friend.
Maybe after some time goes by, a pet change would be a gentler (or at least a different) transition that could help you feel better?
5 cats. 1 baby.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't experienced a personal pet loss since I was a child, but I do work with a lot of people who have lost pets in my job. I agree that what you're going through is totally normal. I also agree that losing a pet can be, in a way, harder than losing a person b/c many other people won't understand. You say you're lacking motivation for anything other than work right now, and I would advise giving yourself permission to just lay low for a while. If you have friends or family who you can talk to who understand I would talk to them.
The delta society also has a lot of resources for pet loss here (I'm sorry I can't make it clicky): https://www.deltasociety.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=610
I also know that what helped my mom with a recent pet loss was (after she grieved for a few weeks) to gather together photos of her pet and make a little memorial. I know they also did have a small burial ceremony for him in the backyard, which I think was really tough, but they are glad they did.
I lost my Chance 2 years ago, DH says I still call for him in my sleep sometimes. I still cry sometimes too.
I had him through my illness and years after that, and he was my boy. His loss isn't any less than a human loss and it hurts.
You're normal, and I'm sorry you're hurting.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok (AND completely normal and acceptable!!) to cry. You lost your best buddy and you made the most difficult thing a pet owner has to do. FWIW, just remember that she's no longer in pain. You gave her the best life she could have while she was with you. Focus on the positives of having her in your life.
As far as your morning routine goes, make little changes. Maybe get up and exercise, or meditate or something. Use that time differently. Or heck, sleep in a little longer! That's just what you need to do when breaking a habit. Things will get easier over time.
I'm so sorry for you loss.. it takes time. And anyone who dismisses your loss because its "only a pet" just isn't worth your time and energy.
Thank you everyone for all of advice and touching words. We are open to getting another pet in the future. Probably another dog, and in a few months. This way I feel we are giving ourselves the proper time to grieve, and then re-commit to a new pet. (plus, on the selfish side, it will no longer be snowing in NY)
I'm glad to hear people have had similar experiences. I do know it will get better, but of course in the moment it seems very difficult to imagine.
I'm really glad I decided to post. Our friends and family have been very supportive, but it is always nice to hear from other people with an unbiased opinion. I think that knowing that I'm not alone as someone who experience this level of grief will help me move forward.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I still had panic attacks nearly 9 months later when I would drive past the vet where our cat passed away. I still cry at least once a week over her. It's not quite a year yet since she passed.
In time it will get easier, but in my experience - even with pets from my youth - you never completely heal.
Katie Talks About...
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the pain and sadness you are feeling. It is normal to feel the way you do. It has been 6 months since I had to say good bye to my girl after suffering from lymphoma. This past July 4th was one of the worst days of my life when we had to make the awful decision to say good bye and give her peace. There are days when the pain will bring you to your knees but gradually over time you are able to focus on the joy and love they gave you. When I'm having a very bad day of missing her I read the Rainbow Bridge poem and remember that one day I will see her again.
http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm
Again, I am very sorry for your loss ((hugs))
BFP 12/31/12 ~ EDD 9/13/13
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