Some jokes...

Staza424

courtesy of the folks over at reddit.

A fried egg, a piece of toast, and a slice of bacon walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

 

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court and the judge says to Mickey, "I'm sorry, Mickey but your wife being insane is not a good excuse for wanting a divorce."

And Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fuccking Goofy!"

 

So, an American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all order a pint. Promptly, a fly lands in each of their glasses.

The American turns his nose up and pushes the glass away.

The Englishman politely removes the fly and resumes drinking.

The Irishman grabs the fly and yells "Spit it out, you bastard!"

  (clutch your pearls!)

A man and his wife are having sex. However, as they are in the middle it somehow the man's condom pops off and flies off the window. Neither of them want kids, but he doesn't have another condom. So he goes downstairs and goes to get his condom. However, he sees a kid pick it up.

"Hey kid," he says. "I really need that thing you have in your hand. The kid replies, "this is a Twinkie, mister. I'll sell it for a dollar."

"Sure, se- I mean food is worth a dollar." So he hands the kid a dollar. The man runs back up stairs and continues sex with his wife.

The kid, however, runs home to tell his Father that he just earned his first dollar. "Dad! I just sold a Twinkie for a dollar!" The Father replies, "What's so great about that?"

To which the kid says, "it was a scam. I ate all the cream filling."

What kind of bees produce milk? Boooo-bees!

 

A guy died. He led wretched life and was turned down at the pearly gates. Wondering around in Hell on his first day, he meets someone that looks friendly and strikes up a conversation. "So, what do you all do around here for entertainment?"

The friendly guy smiled. "Well, we keep ourselves occupied as best we can to pass the time in eternity. Take, for instance, Mondays. Monday is our smoking day. Do you smoke?"

"Oh yeah, I smoke," the newcomer claimed. "In fact, it was emphysema that killed me."

"On Mondays, we smoke, smoke, smoke. All day long. That's all we do. The best part is, you can't die in here. You're already dead. Do you drink?"

"Yeah, I drink," replied the newcomer. "I drank so much, if smoking hadn't killed me, drinking would have."

"Well, down here your liver can't kill you. So, on Tuesdays we drink, drink, drink all day long. We drink like fish. Can't die again."

"That sounds great," exclaimed the newcomer! Hell isn't so bad after all. "What do you do on Wednesdays?"

"Wednesdays is our gambling day. That's all we do all day long. Gamble, gamble, gamble."

"Wow! Jackpot! This is going to be great. How about Thursdays?"

The friendly guy looked at him and asked, "Are you gay?"

"No."

"Uh oh," the friendly guy sighed, "you ain't gonna like Thursdays."

what do you call Winnie the pooh's grandmother? Poohnanny

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"

He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?

She says, "Oh, I'd like that."

He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

iLikeSloths

I liked the Disney one.  It was kind of cute in an odd way, lol.

The twinkie/condom one was but funny.

Thanks for the late night entertainment, Staza! 

Milsey32

H laughed at the first and last one. Smiled at a few others, though.

Twinkies/Condoms... ehhh...  

Edit: DH just said "Oh man, that's ridiculous" and I asked "What is?" to which he responded "How would you like to be Mrs. Forsythe for night..."

- he's still hung up on it.